The Schnoz Report - Week 5
October 5, 2007 – 9:44 am Posted by bryan in » NFL
If you're new here, and you're into sports and/or the Christian faith, subscribe to our RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
Note: The Schnoz Report is a column i write each week for the Burnside Writers’ Blog. From Week 5 on, I’ll be posting them here as well. Here were the first four editions: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the Mr. Potato Head doll that was strung out on Ecstasy.
First Thing’s First
What we learned last week:
(-1.) First let me tell you what we didn’t learn last week. The Patriots are way better than your favorite team. But we already knew that, so it doesn’t count.
1. The Tampa Bay Bucs might not be as good as their 3-1 record. But wait, you say, they won AT carolina. Yeah but Carolina stinks (They’ve only beaten the Rams and the Falcons, two of the worst teams in the league). And look who the Bucs have beaten. The Saints, Rams, and Panthers. Hardly quality wins. I cant believe that one of these teams: the Bucs, Saints, Panthers, and Falcons, will be in the playoffs this year. Mediocre is a compliment to any team in the NFC South. That being said, the Bucs have a chance to knock off the banged-up Colts this weekend. The NFL is crazy like that.
2. Speaking of overrated teams, the Chargers are not very good. They’re just not. Coaching matters. And while we’re here, the Saints, Eagles, and Bears, all supposed NFC Contenders this year, might miss the playoffs. Packers and Cowboys in the NFC Championship game this year? Yeah, most likely.
3.In fact, while everyone is buzzing about the Patriots possibly going 16-0, don’t sleep on the cowboys. Next week the Pats and Cowboys play each other, and while the Pats will be favored, the Cowboys should keep it close. If they can somehow beat the Pats (and assuming they beat the Bills this week), look at the 10 games left on their schedule: home for MIN, WAS, NYJ, GB, and PHI … on the road against PHI, NYG, DET, CAR, and WAS. I’m not saying that’s a walk in the park, but in how many of those games will the Cowboys NOT be favored? The cowboys going undefeated? I’m not saying, I’m just saying.
4. There’s only 4 teams this year who have not given up more than 20 points in a game. can you guess 3 of the 4? I’ll tell you the answers in a second.
5. Look out for those Chiefs, they might sneak into the playoffs. They’re 2-2 with 7 home games left at Arrowhead. Their defense is playing well. They have winnable road games on their schedule against Oakland, Detroit, and the Jets. If they win 5 of 7 at home and 2 of those 3 road games, they could sneak into the playoffs, and even contend for their division, at 9-7.
Bonus: The 4 teams who have yet to give up 21 or more points: Tampa Bay, Jacksonville, New England, and Kansas City.
Angle(s) of the Week
There’s a few teams playing for their season on Sunday, even though we’re only in Week 5.
If the Bears lose to Green Bay in Lambeau on Sunday night, they will be 1-4 and 4 games behind the Packers. While the rest of their schedule isn’t very frightening, their QB situation is (not to mention their banged up defense as well).
If the Chargers lose to the Broncos in Denver, they’ll be 1-4 and in a whole heap of trouble. The division is still wide open, so to say they’d be done would be exaggerating things. But 1-4 sucks. Especially when you were 14-2 last year. Mar-ty, Mar-ty, Mar-ty…
A loss to the Panthers will put the Saints at 0-4. Isnt it weird how this season for the Saints is EXACTLY the opposite of last year. Last year we thought they would suck wind, and they were amazing. This year, we thought they would be amazing, and they suck wind. It’s like those warp zones in Super Mario Brothers that took you to level 8 from level 5-2, only completely different.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
An open letter to anyone who uses a public bathroom,
If you find yourself in a stall taking care of business and there’s someone in the adjacent stall also taking care of business, let’s make sure we don’t see each other afterwards. Is that too much to ask?
Once you hear me starting to wrap things up (the whirring of the TP roll, the flush, the zip and buckle) you need to hang out for a minute so that i can go wash my hands and get out of there.
Once I’m all clear, then you can make your exit. I promise if you start the wrap-up first, I’ll do the same for you.
There’s nothing worse than starting to wrap things up and then hearing the guy in the next stall doing the same thing. What is he trying to do, go for a simultaneous exit? Does he want a high-five at the sink? I don’t want to have to make eye contact with the person responsible for the sounds i was just hearing.
In the public bathroom, anonymity is king. So please, let’s take turns making our getaways and avoid all possible interactions.
Thanks,
The Schnoz
Fantasy is the New Reality
Every week I give you 3 fantasy players that I think will outperform their peers (using my ESPN League’s scoring system). This week we’re taking a break from that so that i can make an announcement.
After going 4-0 in my 4 fantasy leagues in Week 1, I have lost every single game. I am 1-3 in each league, for a total record of 4-12. At least I’m consistent.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket is something you get at the movies on the weekend, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - The Big Eye has a doubleheader this week. The early games are scattered all over the country, with only the JAX@KC game being televised without HD. 90% of the country will see SD@DEN in the late game slot.
FOX - Your lone FOX game will probably be an early start. The only folks getting a late game on FOX (TB@IND) are folks in florida, indiana, new england, and new mexico. New Mexico? how do they decide these things?
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage map with your own soul windows, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
This weekend my wife is out of town, so I don’t even have to pretend that I’m thinking about doing housework. I’ll be too busy chasing my kids around. If you’re wife isn’t out of town, you’re on your own coming up with a chore to ignore. Feel free to post in the comments if you have any good ones.
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: OAK over MIA (WIN!)
Record for the Year: 3-1
This week I’m taking the Panthers to beat the Saints, despite New Orleans being favored by a field goal. Why are the Saints favored in this game? Are they due because they havent won yet? What if they really are that bad?
Pop Quiz hotshot: Who’s the only team in the NFL without a sack this year? Answer: the Saints. Give me David Carr and the Panthers to pull off the upset.
Mascot Wars
Let’s break down some of the great match ups between mascots this week:
Dallas Cowboys @ Buffalo Bills - What exactly is a Bill? is it a buffalo? Why do the Bills have a buffalo on their helmet, is it for the city or for the mascot? Could they call themselves the Buffalo buffaloes? My head is spinning. Oh and wasn’t Buffalo Bill a person too? wasn’t he a cowboy actually? This game will end in a draw, it will be a shootout, and there will be no winners.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
This week’s conspiracy theory of the week is the “all you can eat”” special.
How foolish is this concept? Pay one price, eat as much as you like.
The very idea itself automatically makes you want to stuff your face. People who opt for the all you can eat special have on thing in mind: getting there money’s worth. After all, the more you eat, the better your value.
So now we have 340-pound teenagers waddling out of Ponderosa saying, “Hey Bill, do you realize I ate so many chicken legs that they only cost me a penny each?” Unfortunately, the next time that guy sees a penny (or a chicken leg) on the ground, he won’t be able to bend over and pick it up.
If I was king of the world I would immediately outlaw the “all you can eat” special. My motto would be “A portion for every meal”. In fact, I would make the phrase “All you can eat” a cuss word. It would be the equivalent of saying “Screw You!” to someone (or it’s R-rated equivalent).
Someone would cut you off in traffic and you’d scream out the window at them, “Hey buddy, All You Can Eat!” He’d yell back “Bottomless Fries, you Jerk!”.
That’s the kind of world I want to live in.
If Betting were Legal
Last Week: 11-3
Year to Date: 32-30
Last week i kicked tuckus and took names. 11-3 against the spread was good enough to win the week in my 35-person picks league that I’m in. Feels good to know that i can still pull crap like that out of thin air when i need to. Two solid weeks in a row? I doubt it. Here’s my picks…
My picks for Week 5 (your spreads may vary):
KC(+2.5), DET(+3.5), NE(-16.5), CAR(+2.5), NYJ(+3.5), ARI(-3.5), SEA(+6.5), ATL(+8.5), MIA(+5.5), TB(+10.5), SF(+3.5), DEN(-2.5), GB(-3.5), DAL(-10.5)
Final Word
I love the Boston Red Sox. I was born in raised in Massachusetts, and i have lived through some (though not all) of the disappointments of years past. 2004 was an amazing experience. So amazing, in fact, that i am hoping the Phillies, Cubs, or Indians win the World Series if my Sox don’t. Such a great feeling to watch your team win it all.
Do i want to see the Red Sox go through the yankees to get to the world series (assuming we beat the angels)? Not necessarily. I’m ok with going through whoever is in our way. Those yankee games take years off my life.
If I’m a bit distracted over the next week or two, you can blame it on the playoff baseball. I love it like I love italian sausage and birthday presents.
Go Sox.
-The Schnoz
Tags: NFL, Schnoz Report
