The Schnoz Report - Week 6
October 12, 2007 – 11:56 am Posted by bryan in » NFL
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Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the guy who tried to beat a drug test by asking a random boy to pee.
First Thing’s First
What we learned last week:
1. The AFC West might be worse than we thought. Your current division leader? Oakland at 2-2. KC, SD, and Den are all 2-3. At this point, who is the frontrunner to win the division? San Diego based on what they’ve done in the past? Oakland or KC because of their Defenses? Denver by default? If your life was on the line and you had to pick the division winner right now, who would you go with? I think I’d take San Diego, and I’d vomit every time I realized my life was in Norv Turner’s hands.
2. On the Flip Side, the AFC South is beastly. The division’s last place team, the Texans, would be leading the AFC West with their 3-2 record. As hard as it is to happen, it seems like both wild cards could come out of this division this year. Who’s going to have a better record than TEN and JAX for those two spots? Baltimore? Denver? Oakland? I can’t see that happening.
3. The NFC continues to be a sea of mediocrity. Other than Dallas, which teams scare you as an opponent? Answer: none. The teams playing the best right now are probably the Giants, Redskins, and Packers, but these teams all have huge flaws. Even if they lose to New England this weekend, the Cowboys’ path to the Super Bowl looks pretty good right now. Anything less than a trip to the NFC Championship will be a huge disappointment for Wade Phillips.
4. The worst team in the world? a toss-up between Miami, St. Louis, and New Orleans. With all 3 teams on the road this week, the troika could be a collective 0-18 come Monday.
5. The last-second time-out as the field goal is about to be kicked reared its ugly head again on Monday night. Third time that’s happened this year in the NFL. The thing that amazes me, is that in all 3 cases the kicker made his first attempt. That’s why there is so much outrage to change the rule. Imagine if all 3 kickers missed their first attempt, and because of the timeout where given a second chance? We’d all be calling the coaches idiots for doing this and no one would want a rule change. That’s why i think the rule won’t change, because eventually a coach is gonna get burned doing this.
Angle(s) of the Week
It’s all about the Dallas-New England game this week, and rightly so. Funny that the Colts are off this week. I bet they’ll all be glued to their sets to catch this one.
The key to this game is going to be how Romo throws the ball downfield. I don’t think any team can trade punches with the Patriots. They’ll take your shots and hit you back even harder, eventually wearing you down. If the Cowboys can score on big plays that force the Patriot’s defense to respect the home run, then Romo has a chance to use Witten and Barber to move the ball. It’s a huge test for Romo coming off that 5 INT performance.
With much of the attention on T.O. and Moss, I think Dallas will try to hit Crayton and Hurd with downfield bombs when they are in single coverage.
As for New England, I think they’ll score their 28-31 points like they always do. If they can force Romo into 2 or 3 turnovers, and they can keep Dallas from scoring on big plays, they’ll be able to come out on top.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
Not to go all Peter King on you, but I’m in a Panera Bread in Seekonk, Masachusetts and the guy next to me is yelling into his cellphone. yelling.
“TELL MARIO TO GET THAT CONNECTICUT JOB STAHTED BY THURSDAY”
“HEY KEVIN, I GOT CONFIRMATION FROM MARIO. HE’S WORKING WEDNESDAY, SO CALL HIM AFTAH 10:30. HE’S GOT SOME IDEARS ABOUT THAT PAHKING LOT JOB.”
“HEY JIM, DID YOU ORDAH THE RIGHT DOOR FOR THOSE PANELS OR DID YOU MAKE AN ERRAH?”
It’s good to be back home in Massachusetts. I love the accent. But like i tell my son all the time, let’s use our “inside voice” when we are inside. thank you.
Fantasy is the New Reality
I’m happy to report that Nick Folk’s 53-yard field goal as time expired on Monday Night gave me a 1-point victory in Fantasy, my first since Week 1. Still got beat in my other 3 leagues though. I suck.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket has to do with the pastor who gets busted for speeding on his way to the pulpit, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - CBS has the doubleheader this week. There’s 4 early games, with only Miami @ Cleveland happening without HD cameras. I think the coaches for each team requested the standard definition cameras in hopes that people wouldn’t notice how bad they both suck. The late game the entire country will be watching is Dallas and New England. (except for California and half of Nevada, who are stuck watching SD and OAK).
FOX - FOX has 1 game this week. It will be an early game for you unless you get Carolina @ Arizona, which is in the late game slot. But even if you follow those teams, you’ll still probably watch the New England game anyway.
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage map with your own soul windows, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
This week it’s the gutters. There are leaves in them. But the thing is, there will be more leaves in them after this week. Why not just wait for all the leaves to fall?
Personally, I’ve never cleaned a gutter in my life because we have hardly any trees in our development (it’s relatively new). The thought of getting on a ladder to do that makes me tired just thinking about it.
So get out your ladder, take a peek in your gutters, confirm that there are leaves. Then peek at the trees, confirm that there are more leaves to fall, and go sit back down on the couch.
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: CAR over NO (WIN!)
Record for the Year: 4-1
I like Washington to go into Green Bay this week and beat the favored Packers. Brett Favre will set the all time interception record, Green Bay won’t be able to run the ball, and Jason Campbell will continue his rise to being one of the best QBs in the NFC.
Mascot Wars
This week it’s an MLB edition
Rockies & Diamondbacks - It’s the classic battle of nature. Snakes vs. Mountains. Snakes are crafty, mountains don’t move. Snakes can slither, mountains don’t move. Snakes can shed skin and bite people and constrict on people and can rattle, mountains don’t move. But Blues Traveller never sang a song about snakes, did they? In the words of John Popper, “the mountains win again.” Rockies in 5 games.
Red Sox & Indians - If native americans had socks back hundreds of years ago, perhaps they would have done better in the winters and would have had stronger tribes. Then when the English came over to settle the land, the Indians would have destroyed them in their red socks and none of us would be here today. That would suck. I mean, it was awful what we did to the natives, but I like existing. Red Sox in 6 games.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
Some people believe the two pictures to the left are the same person.
These people also believe that aliens are real and that eating snow actually burns calories because of the energy it takes to melt it, so you shouldn’t eat snow if you are stranded and thirsty in alaska.
Do not trust these people.
If Betting were Legal
Last Week: 5-9
Year to Date: 37-39
My picks for Week 6 (your spreads may vary):
MIN(+6.5), TEN(+2.5), CLE(-4.5), StL(+9.5), JAX(-6.5), WAS(+3.5), PHI(-3.5), KC(+3.5), ARI(-4.5), OAK(+10.5), NE(-5.5), SEA(-6.5), NYG(-3.5)
Final Word
One more travel note. I hate Connecticut. It is the WORSE state to travel in. ever. I-95, a major interstate that runs from Maine to Florida, goes down to 2 lanes in Connecticut! 2 lanes! what genius came up with that idea? Not to mention that theres thousands of acres of woods surrounding the highway. You could make the road 25 lanes and it wouldn’t even dent the forestry. This is why I won’t vote for Chris Dodd, because i hold him personally responsible for the cumulative hours of traffic i have sat in in his blasted state.
what’s your most hated travel locale? flying out of a certain airport? a certain road near where you live? I’m curious if I’m the only one who despises stretch of road so passionately.
we’re driving back home on Sunday. Pray for us.
-The Schnoz
Tags: NFL, Schnoz Report
