The Schnoz Report - Week 8
October 26, 2007 – 11:03 am Posted by bryan in » NFL, previews
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Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the mom who drove a car full of cheerleaders right beside a moving car to grab a beer from some boys.
First Thing’s First
i was in a geeky numbers mood (it happens often), so i tried to figure out my odds on the future AFC and NFC Champions.
AFC
- Patriots - 55%
- Colts - 20%
- Steelers - 10%
- Chargers - 7%
- Jaguars - 5%
- Titans - 3%
NFC
- Cowboys - 24%
- Giants - 21%
- Packers - 15%
- Buccanneers - 10%
- Redskins - 10%
- Seahawks -10%
- Saints, Bears - 3%
- Lions, Panthers - 2%
as of right now, all other teams don’t have a chance
Angle(s) of the Week
Angle #1 - By now you’ve probably heard this, but no quarterback has ever beaten 31 different teams. (due mostly to the fact that the league only expanded to 32 teams in 2002). This weekend Peyton Manning and Tom Brady have the chance to do that when they try to beat the Panthers and Redskins, respectively. Manning has lost to the Panthers twice, while Brady has only lost once to the Skins. If something crazy would happen and neither team wins, Brett Favre could be the first QB to accomplish the feat with a win against the Chiefs next week.
Angle #2 - There’s two games happening in Week 8 between teams with identical records.
In Minnesota, the Eagles and Vikings will meet, each with identical 2-4 records. The winner of this game emerges with playoffs hope still alive, the loser emerges with a 2-5 record and an unsexy coach.
In San Fransisco, the 2-4 Saints will take on the 2-4 Niners with both teams going in opposite directions. The 49ers have lost 4 in a row and couldn’t even beat a red light the way they have been playing. The Saints have won 2 in a row after losing their first 4 and suddenly have aspirations of winning their crappy division.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
The dumbest thing about all of the “will the 8-day layoff hurt the Rockies?” hype was that there’s no way of knowing. There never was.
We all knew going in that if the Rockies won Game 1, we’d be saying that the layoff didn’t affect them. And predictably, when they lost Game 1 the analysts said that the layoff did play a role. (personally i think it had more to do with the command of Josh Beckett’s fastball and the inability for the Rockies pitchers to throw strikes.)
Next time a team has a big layoff, let’s lay off the speculation about if it will affect them. There’s no sense in arguing about something we’ll never know the answer to. If the team loses, we’ll say it did affect them. If the team wins, we’ll say it didn’t.
Fantasy is the New Reality
Here’s your fantasy news this week: Steven Jackson is back for the Rams, DeShawn Wynn is the starting RB for the Packers, Travis Henry will be a gametime decision on Monday night for the Broncos, Deshaun Foster said he is healthy enough to play against the Colts this week, and Frank Gore expects to play against the Saints this weekend.
In other news, i left an angry rant on my Burnside Fantasy League Message Board this week after getting beat by Tom Brady’s 6 TDs. I was angry because in this same league i was beaten by Carson Palmer’s 6 TDs in Week 2. Against my better judgement, here was most of the rant (with names blacked out to protect the innocent):
[Owner who beat me], i hate you and your brady gloating. i hate brady and his 6 TDs in Week 7. also, i hate Carson Palmer and his 6 TDs in Week 2 against me. I hate getting sucked out on the river by two QBs who threw up whack numbers against vomit defenses. i hate losing in week 2 by 25 points when Palmer scores 60 by himself. i hate losing in Week 7 by 13 points when Brady and his video camera installed on his helmet scores 58 by himself. i hate fantasy football and the flukiness of it’s asinine tomfoolery malaise whippersnapper pedigree madeupwords … whoever plays against me can expect their quarterback to have a career day. in fact, you might want to get a hold of your quarterback and tell him to bet on himself and play the lottery and ask out a hot chick because it will be his lucky day. he could probably even expect to get a check on that day from microsoft and aol on that day for spam emails that he forwarded as a part of some ridiculous email tracking beta test that doesnt even exist that he got tricked into, but just because he’s playing against my team, bill gates will wake up and say, “why not send a $43,800 check to eli manning today?”… not to mention some grocery store clerk named kevin walter playing WR for the texans scores 16 pts against me. how did he get 16 pts? was it for double bagging groceries the fastest? did he clean up a spilled jar of prego on aisle 6? did he boot someone out of the 10 items or less line because they had 12 items? ridiculous. i think i’m done now.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket was invented by Satan, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - no HD for the 12 of you who were looking forward to watching Cleveland @ St. Louis. CBS is only broadcasting 1 game into your living room this week. If you live near IND@CAR, PIT@CIN, OAK@TEN, or CLE@StL you’ll get it at 1pm EST. The 4pm EST games on CBS are HOU@SD, BUF@NYJ, and JAX@TB.
FOX - FOX is double-dipping this week, with much of the country watching the MIA/NYG live from London at 1pm EST. In the late game slot on 90% of TVs will be WAS@NE.
Remember, no Sunday night game this week because of the World Series. Monday night will feature Brett Favre trying to beat someone his own age when he faces Broncos coach Mike Shanahan. (The San Diego game might also get moved to Monday Night, depending on what the NFL decides.)
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage map with your own baby blues, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
this week let’s think about that room you told your wife you’d paint 2 years ago. Still not painted, is it? You could paint it on sunday, maybe. Of course, then you’d need to go out and buy paint, buy some of that tape to cover stuff up, get some new brushes, and then block off a few hours of your day to get the first coat on. First coat, you ask? Oh yes, there will be at least two coats. Maybe 3 if it doesn’t look just right. There’s no way you’re getting that done all in one day. Perhaps another weekend would work out better? Yes, perhaps. Way to think things through, your wife would be proud!
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: TB over DET (LOSS!)
Record for the Year: 4-3
This week I’m picking the Bills to beat the Jets in a game the Jets are slightly favored in. Both of these teams are really bad, but it seems to me that the Bills are a better team. The crazy thing is, if Elam misses that kick in Week 1 and if the Cowboys don’t turn water into wine to win that Monday night game a few weeks ago, the Bills would be 4-2 right now instead of 2-4.
Mascot Wars
The best mascot matchup of the week:
Redskins @ Patriots - Isn’t this just a repeat of what happened back a few hundred years ago? We all know how that one turned out for the native americans who were already living here on the soil. If a Redskins victory here would somehow make amends for what the new settlers did, i might cheer for Washington, but this is merely a football game and i don’t think there are any native americans playing for the Redskins. I’m petitioning the league to cancel this game and instead host a huge thanksgiving dinner feast at the 50-yard line of Gillette Stadium. Strangely, I haven’t heard back from them yet.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
Unlike most of my consipracy theories, this one is actually pretty legit. I’m pretty sure that the real Al Gore has been locked up in Area 51 since the mid-90s and that the Al Gore we’ve seen on TV since then is just a robot.
Ever since Al Gore invented the internet, people wondered which computer would be the central location, or the heart, of the internet. Sure, most of the internet lives on servers scattered throughout the world, but where is the core of it’s being? The answer: in Al Gore’s head.
He was kidnapped and cloned into a half-robot/half-human replica of himself. While the real Al Gore was cable-tied to a folding chair in Area 51 with fifty ethernet cables plugged into his scalp, the fake Al Gore ran for president. While the real Al Gore hasn’t moved a muscle in over 10 years, the fake Al Gore was programmed to research and create “An Inconvenient Truth”. While the real Al Gore grew a huge, bushy beard. The fake Al Gore grew a smaller, controlled beard.
Don’t feel bad for the real Al Gore, though. While he’ll never enjoy the taste of a filet mignon ever again, he has become the heart of the thing he created. He IS the internet. In fact, every time you send an email, it gives him a warm, fuzzy. So go send out some emails and make him happy. And if you see the fake Al Gore, just wink at him and say “I know who you are” under your breath.
Like I said, this theory isn’t much of a stretch, but it’s worth noting.
If Betting were Legal
Last Week: 8-6
Year to Date: 53-50
My picks for Week 8 (your spreads may vary):
OAK(+7.5), IND(-7.5), NYG(-9.5), CHI(-4.5), CLE(-3.5), MIN(+1.5), PIT(-3.5), TB(-3.5), SD(-9.5), BUF(+3.5), WAS(+16.5), SF(+3.5), GB(+3.5)
Final Word
I talked to my brother Josh last night before Game 2 of the World Series. He lives in Boston and was lucky enough to go to Game 6 of the ALCS. Apparently a friend called him up yesterday with a ticket for the game last night but Josh was sleeping. By the time he woke up and called him back, he had found someone else to go with. Ouch. Reason #458 why i hate naps: You can miss out on World Series tickets.
Have a great weekend!
-The Schnoz
Tags: Football, Schnoz Report
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