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Everyone has their own superpower. My wife Erica can tell that a woman is pregnant before she’s even thinking about showing. My buddy Nate can recognize a celebrity voice in a commercial in 3 seconds or less. My friend Jake can cheer for the Broncos and not throw up in his mouth every time he looks in the mirror (an extraordinary gift, I know).
My superpower is recognizing similarities in faces. I’ve always been fascinated with random people who look alike, as far back as i can remember. I like to think that the facial recognition software that i have in my brain is superior to that of most people. For years I’ve been saying, “Doesn’t he look a little like so and so?” Sometimes the response i get is “Wow, you’re right, I would have never noticed that.” More often than not, the response is “I’m totally not seeing it.” But that’s okay, they just don’t have the gift like I do.
I’m so convinced that the facial recognition software in my brain is a cut above everyone else’s, that i firmly believe that the government kidnapped me at one point and pulled a Matrix on me by sticking a probe into the base of my skull and downloading the software out of my brain. I know this is how they created the complex software algorithms they use in the facial recognition programs in airports.
Because of my gift, I’m always on the lookout for people who look alike. Some of these can be subtle, like say a 40% match (most of you can’t pick up on matches until they hit about 60%, my brain gets triggered at about 25%). Other matches, like today’s, are very obvious.
With all that said, I’m excited to give you the first (of what I hope is many) PFB Separated at Birth posts.
on the right is Darko Milicic, a player for the Orlando Magic, is most famous for being drafted by the Detroit Pistons ahead of Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, and Dwayne Wade .
on the left is Dan Haseltine, the lead singer for Jars of Clay, may or may not play basketball. I have seen him play a mean tambourine in concert, and frankly I’m not so sure that Darko can do that.
What do you think, are you feeling this match? Have any other Separated at Birth candidates that bridge the spiritual and the athletic? Think I’m an idiot? Have your own super power? As always, the comments section is there for you.
According to the Detroit Free Press, Jon Kitna was overheard after Thursday’s game saying that the thing he is most thankful for is that “He doesn’t have to go to hell.”
Will Leitch at Deadspin.com picked up on the story on Friday and had this to say:
We don’t know if Kitna’s next comment was, “Unlike SOME people” while eyeing the reporter warily … but man, we hope so. Because nothing says love and devotion than doing something because you’re afraid you’ll be tortured for eternity if you don’t.
I’m not gonna flame Kitna for saying he’s thankful he’s not going to hell. I’m thankful for that too. I guess it’s not something that I go around saying all the time, because I realize that the comment alone, without proper context, can easily come across as condescending or arrogant. (see above Leitch quote).
What is the proper context? Well, I guess if you’re going to say that you’re thankful you’re not going to hell you should say why you believe you’re not going. Is it because you’ve led numerous teammates to Christ and you avoid nudy bars? Or is it because you believe that faith in Jesus’ life and death covers the sins that would otherwise separate you from God? I’m quite sure for Kitna it’s the latter, but without saying that he left himself open to the criticism.
Again, I’m not gonna jump on Kitna for the comment. Who knows, he might have even provided context for it that never got reported. As a Deadspin reader I was honestly more interested in Leitch’s commentary on the comment than I was in the comment itself.
In other Jon Kitna news, his Lions are 6-5 after losing 3 in a row and seem to be headed for another below .500 record with games against the Vikings, Cowboys, Chargers, Chiefs, and Packers left on their schedule.
Here’s to hoping that Roy Williams, and all professional athletes living the “dream life”, do some examining in the wake of the tragic Sean Taylor passing this morning. Life is short and very fragile. If you get a chance today, say a prayer for them, and for Sean’s family and friends as well. They have some tough days and months ahead.
Wanted to quickly wish everyone a joyous Thanksgiving holiday. Enjoy your days off from work, the irresistible food, the time spent with family and friends, and of course, all the football.
The Schnoz Report will be going on a hiatus for the time being. I really want to refocus the site on what I created it for: the intersection of sports and faith, and as such I’m not sure if I’ll be covering the NFL as heavily as I have in the past. Here on the interwebs it’s better to be really good at something specific than to be decent at doing something vague and generic. There’s too many people doing a “decent” job out there to stand out.
Ultimately it will be a good deal for everyone who reads the site, though, because i have some great ideas in the works and I really feel like the site is headed for some great things in 2008. So if you stick around for the ride I promise it will be worth it.
That being said, I do have a few thoughts on Week 12 of the NFL:
1. via reader Aaron Lewis: “(what about the fact that) both of Brady’s backups were not even starters in college! I know he gets excellent protection and all, but he does get hit on occasion and freak accidents do happen (not trying to jinx anything!). It just seems like this would be an enormous story should something happen to Brady and that Belichick and Co. would get absolutely hammered for it.”
As i told Aaron, I truly believe that Belicheck is gunning for the 19-0 season above everything else. Another Super Bowl win will make him what? A genius? He already is. I think he’s already in the discussion for best coach ever along with Lombardi, Shula, Knox, Walsh, and whoever else I’m missing. I think 19-0 puts him at the forefront of that discussion. I think that’s what he wants, and he’ll risk having Brady out there at times to make sure he gets it.
2. Out of the 8 divisions in the NFL, it seems to me that the only ones that will change atop the standings before the season ends will be the AFC and NFC Wests. The Seahawks look old and the Chargers seem to be too inconsistent to hold off a late surge from the Broncos. Despite how bad they’ve looked at times this season, I think the Cardinals and Broncos might make late pushes to win their divisions and make the playoffs.
3. Last week i went 9-7, to bring my record to 82-78. Here’s who i like this week I like (your spreads might be different): GB(-3.5), NYJ(+14.5), IND(-10.5), TEN(-1.5), TB(-3.5), NO(-1.5), MIN(+7.5), BUF(+9.5), HOU(+4.5), STL(+3.5), OAK(+6.5), ARI(-10.5), DEN(+2.5), SD(-9.5), PHI(+22.5), PIT(-15.5)
One more thing i gotta ask: When it comes to turkey, do you prefer the white meat or the dark meat? Personally, I like the white meat. Some say it’s too dry, but that’s what the gravy is for.
Other than the undefeated run that the Celtics have been on to start the season, one could argue that the most impressive team out of the gate this year has been the Orlando Magic. Ranked #6 at the moment in John Hollinger’s Daily Power Rankings, the Magic won on Friday night to improve their record to 8-2. Only the Celtics at 9-0 have a better record.
The biggest reason for their early season success is the play of Dwight Howard, who in his fourth year in the league has been tearing up Magic opponents to the tune of 21.8 points, 15.0 rebounds, and 2.4 blocks per game.
On Friday Howard scored 21 points and grabbed 19 rebounds to become the fastest ever player to grab 3000 rebounds in his career, at the age of 21 years and 343 days.
He destroyed the previous mark set by Shaquille O’Neal, who reached the milestone while he was a miserly 23 years old.
Howard, who is an outspoken Christian, is probably most famous for his dunk in the 2007 Slam Dunk contest when he placed a sticker at the top of the backboard with his left hand while dunking with his right. The sticker was a picture of his face with the words “All things through Christ - Phil 4:13″ on it. The dunk was amazing.
Ever since he was in high school, Howard has been focused on being a force in the NBA, both as a dominant big man and as an ambassador for Christ. As this Darren Rovell article from 3.5 years ago states, Howard’s goals going into the NBA were just as much spiritual as they were to become a superstar:
“I want to be able to speak to non-Christians so that I can get them saved or change their lives around,” [Howard said back in early 2004]…”I think I can make as much money or even more than LeBron. But it will be up to God for that to happen. If he wants me to market myself, then I’ll do it. I’m not trying to give glory for myself. I’m trying to give glory for Him.”
Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
+ How’s that “parity” thing working out in the NFL this year? Now that all teams have played 9 games, guess how many of the 32 NFL teams have either a 5-4 or a 4-5 record? The answer: 15 of the 32. Parity is alive and well, my friends.
+ Am I the only one getting a little tired of Brett Favre’s “I’m still not sure if we’re a good team” speech that he gives at every press conference following another Packers’ win? Dude, you’re 8-1. In the NFL, where a team is ONLY as good as it’s record, it means you are a good team.
+ Just taking a look at win/loss records and points for and against, the following 3 teams are almost identical in their suckiness: the Chiefs, the Falcons, and the Ravens. All 3 have losing records and all 3 are scoring about 14 points a game and giving up about 21. I suppose you could blame this on the coaches. You could also blame it on the QBs as well. Huard, Harrington, and McNair haven’t exactly been setting the world on fire. Whoever you blame, when these 3 teams miss the playoffs, their fans won’t even know as they’ll be sleeping through another crappy offensive performance.
+ The funny thing about that Indianapolis loss on Sunday night is that if Vinatieri hits that 29-yard field goal, everyone is talking this week about how gritty the Colts are and how Peyton can throw 6 picks and still lead his team to a win (like they did with Romo after that Monday Nighter in Buffalo), and how good teams win even when they don’t play well.
But…Adam V pushes the kick to the right and now people are starting to wonder if Indy will be able to hold on to that #2 spot in the AFC. With official word that Dwight Freeney is out for the year, and with Marvin Harrison’s knee problems not going away, the Colts might lose that #2 seed to Pittsburgh and might have to beat the Browns at home, the Steelers on the road, and the Patriots in New England just to get back to the Super Bowl this year. The chances for a repeat look awfully bleak right now. Not impossible, just bleak. (”bleak” is a fun word, isn’t it?)
+ My buddy Jake wants me to talk about the Broncos, so let’s talk about them. Outside of the 2 touchdowns they scored in 9 seconds on Sunday, they looked rather pedestrian in their 27-11 win against the Chiefs. Behind Jay Cutler, Selvyn Young, and Brandon Marshall, their offense shows flashes at times, but their defense needs to step up if they hope to play in January. (Only the Jets give up more rushing yards per game than the Broncos.) With that said, they find themselves only 1 game out of the craptacular AFC West with a legitimate chance of finishing 9-7, thanks to some weak teams left on their schedule. Will they make the AFC playoffs? I’ll get to that in a minute…
+ People are just now starting to talk about the fact that The Patriots are looking at a Top 5 pick in next year’s draft. Though they’ll lose their own pick because of the video camera nonsense, they have the 49ers 1st pick thanks to a trade last year. If the season ended today, they’d pick no worse than 5th.
Assuming the Niners look as inept for the rest of the season as they did on Monday night, and assuming Oakland and St. Louis end up with a better record than San Fran, the Patriots could be looking at the 2nd or 3rd pick in the draft come April. Remember, this Niners team stole wins in Weeks 1 and 2 and that’s it. They haven’t won since September 16th.
Second Thing’s Second
Here’s the games i like the most this week:
The Giants @ the Lions - It’s a battle of the two teams most likely to win the NFC wild cards at this point. Both are 6-3 and both are coming off tough losses. I’d try to make a case that there’s a lot to gain from finishing 5th in the NFC instead of 6th, but I really don’t think there is. Either way, you’ll be on the road in the Wild Card round facing the Seahawks, Saints, Cardinals, or Bucs. Maybe the Seahawks stand out in that crowd because of their raucous crowd, but they are a very beatable team.
The Chargers @ the Jaguars - This very well could end up being a first round Wild Card matchup in the playoffs (only it will happen in San Diego). Does anyone know what to expect in this game? Both of these teams have looked great and have looked awful this year. If I told you on Monday morning that the final score of this game was 34-10, would you be able to tell me with confidence who won? Probably not. Everyone keeps saying that the Jags desperately need David Garrard back, but Quinn Gray has beaten the Bucs and the Titans in 3 starts. He can’t be that bad can he…hold on while i look up his stats in those 2 wins…yeah he can be that bad. As for the Chargers, if Vinatieri makes that kick on sunday night, we’re talking about another blown lead for them like the one they blew in the playoffs last year. Instead we’re talking about them as the favorites to win the AFC West.
The Patriots @ the Bills - NBC used their flex-scheduling muscles for the first time this year and pulled this game away from CBS and into the prime time slot on Sunday night. I’ve been talking about this Bills team for weeks now. I think they are a very good team that believes in each other and takes the field each week thinking they can win. With that being said, I think they are in for a long night against a Patriots team coming off a bye. Especially considering that Marshawn Lynch will probably not be in uniform. Oh and there’s the also the fresh chip that Don Shula placed on the Patriots’ shoulders last week when he compared SpyGate to Barry Bonds using steroids. How dumb was that? I’m guessing he got calls that night from half of his ‘72 team telling him to shut his mouth.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
5 snacks that I can’t get enough of:
Cheez-Its
Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies
Kettle Corn popcorn
Roasted Garlic Triscuits with Sharp White Cheddar Cheese cuts
Kiwis
Fantasy is the New Reality
I’m in 4 fantasy leagues, but i only paid to join one of them ($20). Of course, that’s the league that i am already out of contention in. I needed the Seahawks defense to pitch a shutout and pick off 3 passes to get me a win and while they did hold the Niners to zilch, they ended up about 3 interceptions short. So much for that league.
In my Yahoo! league I’m in second place, in the Burnside Writers league I’m riding Brett Favre’s old man stubble back up the standings. In my fourth league, I don’t even know what’s going on. Hey Malcolm Gladwell, I think 3 fantasy leagues might be my tipping point.
How about you? Are you in contention? Feeling good about your chances to win it all? Suicidal because you’re in last place? Fill us in in the comments section.
No Ticket, No Problem
If the Sunday Ticket is but a mere dream to you, here’s the maps of what you’ll be watching on Sunday:
We’re retiring the Househole Chore to Ignore segment because we’ve ignored every chore we could think of and we like living under a peaceful roof…instead leat’s look ahead to the playoffs.
NFC playoff outlook
For the third week in a row, my NFC playoff outlook stays the same. I said last week that the Redskins and Panthers would be on the outside looking in, and the fact that both teams lost at home this week made me think I was really smart.
1. Dallas, 2. Green Bay, 3. New Orleans, 4. Seattle, 5. New York, 6. Detroit
AFC playoff outlook
In the AFC, I still think the Cleveland Browns are in the playoff picture, and I’m replacing the Titans with the Jaguars based on their win last week. Am i going to move Pittsburgh into the second spot in the AFC ahead of the Colts? Not yet.
1. New England, 2. Indy, 3. Pittsburgh, 4. San Diego, 5. Jacksonville, 6. Cleveland
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: CIN over BAL (WIN!)
Record for the Year: 6-4
This week I like The Chargers to upset the Jaguars. Not much of a stretch, I know, but Garrard is back for the Jaguars this week, so the Chargers D will have to step it up.
The 2008 Draft
I’m ditching the mascot matchup feature, as i’ve got about as much juice out of that orange as i possibly could.
Here’s what I’m predicting for the first ten picks of the 2008 draft. I’m guessing not only the draft order, but also who the teams are going to pick. The chances of even one of these predictions being right is thinner than that blond chick on Survivor right now that disappears when she turns sideways, but it’s still fun to try.
Miami - Jake Long, OT, Michigan
NY Jets - Glenn Dorsey, DE, LSU
New England (from SF) - Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
Oakland - Chris Long, DE, Virginia
Atlanta - Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville
Chicago - Matt Ryan, QB, B.C.
Minnesota - Andre Woodson, QB, Kentucky
Houston - Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC
Carolina - Sam Baker, OT, USC
Baltimore - Limas Sweed, WR, Texas
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
Has there ever been 1 person who bought a car based on a car commercial?
Let’s be real here. No one pays attention to car commercials. 80% of the population are content with their car situations, and don’t want to be bothered. The other 20% are either out shopping for cars or are too lazy to care.
The problem, of course, is that cars are not an impulse buy. Either you need one, or you dont. And if you need one, chances are you already know which one you want. The whole car shopping thing has almost nothing to do with the commercials.
Here’s the one car commercial that might actually make me think about buying a car: “This is the last Toyota commercial you will ever see. From now on we will be completely eliminating our TV advertising campaign. In doing so, we will be saving roughly $50 million dollars this year. These savings will be passed on to you the consumer as we will be handing out a 50 dollar bill to each car buyer when they get the keys to their new car. So if you like car commercials, go buy a Ford, but if you want 50 bucks and more beer commercials, buy Toyota.”
Now that might actually work. But will it ever happen? Of course not. That’s why it’s a conspiracy.
If Betting were Legal
Last Week: 7-7
Year to Date: 73-71
I went up against my son last week, and he went 8-6 straight up, beating me by one game, that little punk. I’ll bring him back to pick winners at least one more time before the year is done.
First, here’s my picks for Week 11 (your spreads may vary):
With next week’s Thanksgiving games on thursday, an abbreviated version of The Schnoz Report will be coming your way on Wednesday…enjoy the games this weekend.
As Joe Posnanski pointed out in his blog on Tuesday, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays have officially changed their name to the Tampa Rays. Joe wonders if the people responsible for this were fans of the Devil, picketing outside Tampa Bay’s offices because the ball club was giving Satan a bad name.
Along with the new moniker comes some new duds too. (pictured below). The interwebs finest uniform critic, Paul Lukas, rendered his verdict on the new uniforms on his blog (Uni Watch), saying only this: zzzzzzzzzzz. I guess he’s not a fan.
I think the uniforms are an upgrade from those detestable forest green nightmares the Devil Rays have been wearing for the past few years. Then again, you could dress these guys up in bright red devil outfits, complete with horns, pitchfork, and cloven hooves, and it would still be an upgrade from last year.
As far as the name change goes, I’ve heard message board chatter claiming this change was pushed through in response to Christians who were opposed to the word “Devil” in the name. Seriously, I doubt that had anything to do with it. Clearly the team is desperate for a new identity, but the sad thing for them is, it’s going to take a lot more than a new name to make that happen. They’re still going to be finish a million games behind the yankees and/or red sox if they don’t spend more money on players.
This whole name change thing reminds me of when my younger brother Josh played youth soccer for a team that had black jerseys. They were called the Black Knights until a few of the soccer moms decided they didn’t particularly like that name. Under intense pressure (no more orange slices at halftime), they changed the name of the team to the Black Attackers. True story.
And for the record, if there are any Christians out there who spent more than 2 seconds caring about the word “devil” in the name of Tampa Bay’s baseball team, please shoot me an email so i can respond to you with a list of five hundred thousand more important things to care about.
This past Sunday two of your favorite Christian quarterbacks, Kurt Warner and Jon Kitna, faced off in the middle of the desert to determine once and for all whose side God was on.
Let’s review what went down:
Touchdowns: Kitna threw for 2 touchdowns, but Warner threw for 3. Advantage: Warner.
Interceptions: Kitna threw 2 picks, Warner threw only 1. Advantage: Warner.
Fumbles: Kurt Warner fumbled the ball once (it was the 22nd time in his career). Kitna fumbed 3 times in the game, losing 2 of them. Advantage: Warner.
Halloween Costumes: Jon Kitna dressed up as a naked assistant coach to poke fun at the Joe Cullen, the Lions coach who was arrested for driving naked through a Wendy’s Drive-Thru last year. Though he later apologized for it, we here at Prayers for Blowouts thought it was pretty funny. Coach Cullen thought so as well. (and incidentally, one of Kitna’s teammates dressed up as a Bible-thumping John Kitna.) Kurt Warner dressed up like Kurt Warner, which was also pretty funny. Advantage: Kitna.
Body Armor: Kurt Warner wore a heavy arm brace to protect a torn ligament in his left shoulder. The injury kept him off the field in goal-line situations, where Tim Rattay was called upon because Warner’s brace made it hard to hand the ball off. John Kitna wasn’t wearing any armor, but he does have a shaved head, which counts for something. Advantage: Warner.
Final Score: The Cardinals won the game, 31-21. Advantage: Warner.
Concussions: Kitna miraculously came back from his third career concussion to rally the Lions over the Vikings in overtime earlier this year. Warner owes most of his success to concussion-prone Trent Green’s knee injury for the Rams back in 1999 that allowed Warner to lead St. Louis to a Super Bowl. Advantage: Kitna.
Pre-Game Prayers: We tried to hire some spies to go inside the teams’ locker rooms, but apparently they are all on staff with the New England Patriots at this time. We’ll call this one a push.
Conclusion: Warner had the better game, but Kitna and the Lions are having the better season. So, who’s side was God on this past Sunday?
Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the cow who fell 200-ft onto a moving minivan.
First Thing’s First
What did we learn from Week 9 in the NFL:
+ Things Adrian Peterson could elude and outrun: a cheetah, a jet, a silent but deadly fart, a swarm of africanized killer bees, Dog the Bounty Hunter, his mom when she is really mad at him, a heat-seeking missile, the flu, rain, acid rain, bullets, gravity, clean Shawne Merriman, roidy Shawne Merriman, taxes, wind, and Jacoby Ellsbury.
+ One more Adrian Peterson note. The best thing i read about him all week was by Big Daddy Drew (sports blogger) in a comment on the FreeDarko blog when he said, “The man runs like Super Mario after swallowing a Starman.”
+ Four weeks ago I said the Saints were officially terrible. Now, I’m saying the Saints are officially back. Two reasons: 1-they just beat up on a good Jacksonville defense. 2-the combined record of the remaining opponents on their schedule: 24-42 (.364)
+ The Ravens are in even worse shape than their Monday night shellacking to the Steelers let you in on. In 5 of their 8 remaining games, they play the Browns, Chargers, Patriots, Colts, and Steelers. Not sure I see them winning any of those.
+ My NFC playoff outlook right now is the same as last week. I still see the Redskins, Bucs, and Panthers on the outside looking in: DAL, GB, NO, SEA, NYG, DET
+ In the AFC, I’m moving the Cleveland Browns into the playoff picture (more on them in a minute) and taking out the Jaguars. the current AFC playoff outlook is: NE, IND, PIT, SD, TEN, CLE.
Angle of the Week
Crazy amount of divisional games this week. 10 of the 14 games are intra-division showdowns, with Oakland at Chicago being the only inter-conference match-up on the slate.
There’s a few teams who can make huge statements with wins on Sunday:
If the New York Giants can beat the Cowboys this week, they’ll be tied for first place in the division. It’s a crucial game because they’ve already lost to Dallas once this year, and because they have a slightly tougher schedule than Dallas from here on out.
The Chargers were starting to make us all believe again until that Purple Blur ran through them for a new world record. A win at home on Sunday Night against Indy and they’ve got a legitimate claim to that 3rd spot in the AFC pecking order along with the Steelers. That being said, i think the 3.5 points that the Colts are giving the Chargers this week is way too low. You’ve got a Colts team hungry to bounce back and a Chargers team who is still living off of last year’s reputation a bit. I might have taken the Colts if the spread had been 7.5, nevermind 3.5.
The Steelers welcome in a feisty Cleveland Browns team this week looking to firmly entrench themselves in the AFC playoff picture. Look at the remaining games the Browns have. After division games against the Steelers and Ravens they play Houston, @Arizona, @Jets, Buffalo, @Cincinnati, San Fran. To think they can go 5-3 over their last 8 games in no stretch at all, putting them at 10-6 and in the playoffs. In fact, this game could be a preview of the first weekend of the playoffs.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
Batteries are pretty amazing, aren’t they? I mean, the whole concept of sticking different metals together and harnessing the resultant electron transfer that occurs into energy that can power machines.
It’s just one more invention that I never could have dreamed up in a million years. We have high definition television, wireless internet, robot vacuums, and I am still amazed by things like batteries, toilets, and telephones.
Fantasy is the New Reality
Last week I questioned whether or not the “Draft 2 running backs in the first 2 rounds” philosophy for fantasy football is going to change based on the numbers we’re seeing this year. Brad Evans of Yahoo! Sports addressed that issue this week, and thinks that people should stick to their guns and keep picking running backs.
It should be noted, however, that he also predicted that Adrian Peterson would not have a good week last week (3 TDs, 296 yds), and suggested that he should be benched for other options, so proceed with caution.
It will be very interesting to see what happens with the top pick in fantasy drafts next year now that Peterson has broken out. If he can keep this torrid pace up, he’ll be a lock for #1 next year, but if he slows down and Tomlinson has another great season, it will lead to a fun debate issue come next summer.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife gives you dirty looks whenever you mention the Sunday Ticket, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - CBS has one game this week. It will be shown at 1pm EST unless you’re getting the CIN@BAL game, which is a late start.
FOX - FOX gets the doubleheader this week. Apparently they only have 6 High-Def production trucks because they have seven games on the docket and those of you watching ATL@CAR at 1pm will be doing so in Standard Def. They have 4 games early that are scattered regionally, and 3 games late. Most folks in the U.S. will be watching DAL@NYG during that late game slot.
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage maps with your own face, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
This week let’s talk about that one chair in your living room that gets neglected. Nobody ever sits on it. You kinda feel bad for that chair, don’t you? Did you know that living room furniture has feelings too? It does. So show that chair some love and spend about 10 minutes watching the game from it. You’ll balance out the karma in the room, and then you can go back to your favorite spot, knowing you did something to make things more peaceful on the homefront. And they say you’re not a sensitive guy? Pshaw.
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: JAX over NO (LOSS!)
Record for the Year: 5-4
This week I like the Bengals to beat the Ravens. I know how bad this Bengals team is, but the Ravens…I mean…they are just putrid offensively. The Ravens might have more playmakers on defense, but you gotta figure that Carson Palmer is going to have a huge week again at some point, right? Even though Chad Johnson is a little banged up and questionable for the game, I think the Bengals will eek out a 24-23 win in Baltimore.
Mascot Wars
The best mascot matchup of the week:
Steelers @ Browns -Is rust brown or red? It reminds me of this pair of shoes i had a few years ago that i thought were red. For months i was wearing these things thinking that they were red shoes, and it kinda bothered me. Then one day i referred to them as my “red shoes” and Erica was like, “what are you talking about? Those are brown.” We were both so convinced that the other was crazy, that we started polling friends and family about my shoes. Turns out every other person in the world that we asked, and i mean EVERY ONE, thought that the shoes were brown. I swear to you, to this day, that those shoes were red. I will go to my grave one day believing that. In fact, maybe I’ll even asked to be buried in those red shoes.
But back to the game. Is rust brown or red? Like my shoes, I’m going to say red. If rust was brown, then i would say that the browns would rust up the steelers and win the game. But rust isn’t brown. And the Steelers will win, 31-24.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
If you’ve known me for any length of time, you’ve probably heard me riff on this before, but for those of you who have avoided me to this point, let me clue you in on a huge conspiracy. This little charade is going on at a local pharmacy and grocery store near you every day, and no one is blowing the whistle on it until now.
It’s those freaking greeting cards.
Every time i pull a greeting card and read it, i can never figure out what slot i pulled it from. I mean, i think i know the general area that it came from, but i can never seem to find its siblings to put it back where it came from. This happens to everyone, right?
I honestly believe that if we had slow motion cameras with super-sensitive microphones it would all become clear. While we are reading the cards, one of the greeting cards (presumably the leader) yells out “Shift!” and they all rearrange themselves before we have finished reading. It’s no wonder we can never figure out where the card belongs.
Throw me in a mental institution if you want, but I firmly believe that that is happening, and I can’t be convinced otherwise.
If Betting were Legal
Last Week: 6-8
Year to Date: 66-64
This week I’ll be going head to head against the son of the Schnoz, my son Parker. I’ll be picking against the spread, he’ll be picking games straight up.
First, here’s my picks for Week 10 (your spreads may vary):
And here’s Parker’s picks for Week 10 (he picks all 14 games and his nose in less than 2 minutes):
Final Word
Any man who has already started Christmas shopping, what kind of a man are you?
Thanksgiving is still light years away and you’re already shopping for christmas gifts? Are you that bored that you have nothing better to do in early November than go christmas shopping? If you need something to do, come by my house and do some yard work on saturday. We’ve got a huge butterfly bush that needs to be cut down and some tall grassy shrubs that need to be trimmed.
Lose the credit card or you’re going to lose your man card, that’s all I’m saying.
(Bill Belicheck-A7, Brian Billick-A5, Cam Cameron-A4, Brad Childress-B3, Tom Coughlin-C5, Romeo Crennel-B4, Jack Del Rio-C4, Tony Dungy-B8, Herm Edwards-A3, Jeff Fisher-D8, John Fox-A2, Joe Gibbs-D2, Jon Gruden-C8, Mike Holmgren-D6, Dick Jauron-B5, Lane Kiffin-B2, Gary Kubiak-A8, Marvin Lewis-D4, Scott Linehan-D5, Eric Mangini-B7, Rod Marinelli-A6, Mike McCarthy-B1, Mike Nolan-C7, Sean Payton-D3, Bobby Petrino-C2, Wade Phillips-B6, Andy Reid-A1, Mike Shanahan-C1, Lovie Smith-D1, Mike Tomlin-C3, Norv Turner-C6, and Ken Whisenhunt-D7)
I put together a graphic of all 32 of their smug little faces. If you can name all 32 faces without a list of names in front of you, Congratulations! (You need to get something other than the NFL Media Guide in your bathroom magazine rack.)
(the picture doesn’t get any bigger…that’s part of the difficulty)
For the rest of us, here’s a list of the coaches’ names (sorted alphabetically).
Bill Belicheck, Brian Billick, Cam Cameron, Brad Childress, Tom Coughlin, Romeo Crennel, Jack Del Rio, Tony Dungy, Herm Edwards, Jeff Fisher, John Fox, Joe Gibbs, Jon Gruden, Mike Holmgren, Dick Jauron, Lane Kiffin, Gary Kubiak, Marvin Lewis, Scott Linehan, Eric Mangini, Rod Marinelli, Mike McCarthy, Mike Nolan, Sean Payton, Bobby Petrino, Wade Phillips, Andy Reid, Mike Shanahan, Lovie Smith, Mike Tomlin, Norv Turner, and Ken Whisenhunt
Match up the coach’s name with the face (for example, Joe Torre - E2).
all 32 right - congrats, you are Bill Belicheck. Madman? yes. Genius, absolutely.
30-31 right - you are Tony Dungy. You’ve got the ring and a great team, but you’ll never have a mustache like Andy Reid’s.
27-29 right - you are Tom Coughlin. Just when we thought you were done, you work that angry magic again, you old fart.
23-26 right - you are Herm Edwards. You’ll never be among the elite, but you’re never bad enough to be run out of town. darn straight!
19-22 right - you are Joe Gibbs. Perhaps you were once a titan of the sport, but it seems you should go back to racing cars and wearing your Hall of Fame jacket to the country club.
13-18 right - you are Eric Mangini. You turned on Belicheck like Vader on Obi Won. Only young Kellen Skywalker can save you now.
12 or less right - you are Art Shell. Better check your own pulse.
According to the Detroit Free Press
Wanted to quickly wish everyone a joyous Thanksgiving holiday. Enjoy your days off from work, the irresistible food, the time spent with family and friends, and of course, all the football.
Other than the undefeated run that the Celtics have been on to start the season, one could argue that the most impressive team out of the gate this year has been the Orlando Magic. Ranked #6 at the moment in 
Howard, who is an outspoken Christian, is probably most famous for his dunk in the 2007 Slam Dunk contest when he placed a sticker at the top of the backboard with his left hand while dunking with his right. The sticker was a picture of his face with the words “All things through Christ - Phil 4:13″ on it. 
Has there ever been 1 person who bought a car based on a car commercial?
Touchdowns: Kitna threw for 2 touchdowns, but Warner threw for 3. Advantage: Warner.
Body Armor: Kurt Warner wore a heavy arm brace to protect a torn ligament in his left shoulder. The injury kept him off the field in goal-line situations, where Tim Rattay was called upon because Warner’s brace made it hard to hand the ball off. John Kitna wasn’t wearing any armor, but he does have a shaved head, which counts for something. Advantage: Warner.
Conclusion: Warner had the better game, but Kitna and the Lions are having the better season. So, who’s side was God on this past Sunday?
It’s those freaking greeting cards. 
