prayers for blowouts

The Schnoz Report - Week 9

November 2, 2007 – 7:07 am
Posted by bryan in » NFL, previews

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Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.

As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the councilman who wants to put pigeons on the pill.

First Thing’s First

What did we learn from Week 8 in the NFL:

+ Jon Kitna’s 10-win prediction might not be so looney after all. Don’t get me wrong, they still have some tough opponents left on their schedule, but who would have thought this team would be 5-2 after 8 weeks? Not I.

+ The Eagles, Browns, Bills, and Saints are playing like they think they can make the playoffs, despite all having losing records (except the Browns at 4-3). As of right now, I think the only team of this bunch that will squeak in is the Saints, who are finally showing glimpses of last year.

+ How about that AFC South? Jacksonville and Tennessee both won on sunday to stay 2 games behind the Colts. The Colts, Jaguars, and Titans, rank #2, #4, and #7 in the league in fewest points per game this year. Tough division.

+ Speaking of the AFC, the top 5 defenses in the league in yards per game are all from the AFC: Pittsburgh, Baltimore, New England, Indianapolis, Tennessee.

+ My NFC playoff outlook right now: DAL, GB, NO, SEA, NYG, DET

+ In the AFC, the playoff prediction is: NE, IND, PIT, SD, JAX, TEN

Angle of the Week

You know a game is hitting a 10 out of 10 on the hype machine when the Cowboys are playing the Eagles in prime time on a Sunday night and you don’t hear a peep about it. Last night my father-in-law was telling me that he was going to the Eagles game this Sunday and my response was, “Oh, that’s THIS Sunday?” I couldn’t believe I hadn’t heard a word about it. But that’s how big this Colts-Pats match up is.

Not sure that this game can match the hype. And what hype it is. I’ve heard this game called all but one of the following in the last few days:

The Greatest Regular Season Matchup of the last 20 years.

The Greatest Regular Season Matchup Ever.

Super Bowl 41.5

The Abomination of Desolation in the RCA Dome

It’s not very often that the defending Super Bowl champs are 6 point underdogs at home, nevermind the fact that they are 7-0. It just tells you how sold on the Patriots America is. Is it deserved? I guess we’ll find out sunday afternoon.

This has Nothing to Do with Football

Here’s 7 movies I’ve never watched from start to finish that usually make people mad when they hear I haven’t seen them:

1. Saving Private Ryan
2. Goodfellas
3. Fight Club
4. Memento
5. American Beauty
6. 300
7. Batman Begins

Of those seven, are there any on the list that you think i should DEFINITELY watch or my life will be meaningless and devoid of value? Let me know.

Do you have your own list of movies that most people have seen but you haven’t? If so, I’d love to hear what they are.

Fantasy is the New Reality

Looking ahead to next year’s fantasy NFL drafts, what does the top 10 look like? A lot different than this year’s i bet. Here’s a quick mock draft i did in my head (though keep in mind i am awful at Fantasy)

1. LT
2. Adrian Peterson
3. Joe Addai
4. Tom Brady
5. Brian Westbrook
6. Marion Barber
7. Steven Jackson
8. Randy Moss
9. Larry Johnson
10. Shaun Alexander

Between the increase in passing scores this year and the ‘running back by committee’ approach many coaches are taking, don’t you get the feeling that we might have reached the tipping point with the “ALWAYS TAKE A RUNNING BACK IN THE FIRST ROUND” Rule.

No Ticket, No Problem

If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket is the name of a George Strait album, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.

CBS - CBS has a doubleheader this week, so no HD broadcast for that Cincy@Buffalo tussle that so many of you are dying to see. You can expect about 130 promos for the pats-colts game during the early games, which include CIN@BUF, SD@MIN, JAX@NO, and DEN@DET.

Check out the map for the CBS late game. It’s a sea of red. Gus Johnson and Steve Tasker must be ticked off that they have to pay attention to the Houston/Oakland game.

FOX - The only game FOX is showing in the late time slot this week is SEA@CLE. Everything else they are broadcasting is at 1pm EST. (or is it EDT…or does anyone care?)

If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage maps with your own eyes, be my guest.

Household Chore to Ignore

Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.

This week let’s talk about organizing that one drawer in your house where everything goes to die. What’s in that drawer anyway? Pens, pencils, markers, dead batteries, live batteries, questionable batteries, screwdrivers, gum, phone adapters, decks of cards, pennies, chap sticks, scotch tape, expired coupons, allen wrenches, a solar calculator, broken watches, spare keys, stamps, and a superball.

Isn’t it about time to go through that thing and organize it?

No, it’s time for kickoff. Get your unorganized carcass back on the couch.

Upset Specials

Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.

Last Week’s pick: BUF over NYJ (WIN!)

Record for the Year: 5-3

This week I like the Jacksonville Jaguars to go into New Orleans and upset the suddenly hot Saints. And while we’re here, can everyone who pronounces Jaguars as “jag-wires” raise their hand? Ok, keep your hands up and go look in the mirror. Now say to yourself “I will never again say ‘jag-wire’ because it sounds dumb. I will say ‘jag-wahr’ because that is the proper pronunciation.” Thanks.

Mascot Wars

The best mascot matchup of the week:

Chargers @ Vikings - According to Norse legend, lightning strikes were the result of the Viking god Thor throwing his hammer (named Mjollnir) at giants. How on God’s green earth are the Vikings going to be able to play football with all those bolts of lightning running around on the field? Answer: they won’t. Chargers 41, Vikings 10.

Conspiracy Theory of the Week

This is a picture of me eating guinea pig in Ecuador with Cliff Young of Caedmon’s Call in 2004. It tasted pretty good, as far as i can recall. Like chicken, you ask? Yeah, kinda like chicken.

Why don’t we eat more guinea pig in the United States? I’m not really sure.

Is it because they remind us too much of hamsters? Maybe. Is it because we associate them with pigs? I don’t think so. Because we eat pigs. Lots of pigs. Is it because we think of them as pets? It’s possible I suppose.

My theory? That it’s a conspiracy. I can’t really get into it more than that, I’m sorry.

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 7-6

Year to Date: 60-56

My picks for Week 9 (your spreads may vary):

CAR(+4.5), DET(-3.5), S.D.(-7.5), JAX(+3.5), WAS(-3.5), ATL(-3.5), ARI(+3.5), KC(-2.5), BUF(-1.5), CLE(-1.5), OAK(-3.5), NE(-5.5), DAL(-3.5), PIT(-7.5)

Final Word

Today’s final word is “conquistador”. You have to admit, it’s a pretty fun word.

Have a great weekend!

-The Schnoz

Tags: Football, Schnoz Report