prayers for blowouts

The Schnoz Report - Week 10

November 9, 2007 – 10:30 am
Posted by bryan in » NFL, previews

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Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.

As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the cow who fell 200-ft onto a moving minivan.

First Thing’s First

What did we learn from Week 9 in the NFL:

+ Things Adrian Peterson could elude and outrun: a cheetah, a jet, a silent but deadly fart, a swarm of africanized killer bees, Dog the Bounty Hunter, his mom when she is really mad at him, a heat-seeking missile, the flu, rain, acid rain, bullets, gravity, clean Shawne Merriman, roidy Shawne Merriman, taxes, wind, and Jacoby Ellsbury.

+ One more Adrian Peterson note. The best thing i read about him all week was by Big Daddy Drew (sports blogger) in a comment on the FreeDarko blog when he said, “The man runs like Super Mario after swallowing a Starman.”

+ Four weeks ago I said the Saints were officially terrible. Now, I’m saying the Saints are officially back. Two reasons: 1-they just beat up on a good Jacksonville defense. 2-the combined record of the remaining opponents on their schedule: 24-42 (.364)

+ The Ravens are in even worse shape than their Monday night shellacking to the Steelers let you in on. In 5 of their 8 remaining games, they play the Browns, Chargers, Patriots, Colts, and Steelers. Not sure I see them winning any of those.

+ My NFC playoff outlook right now is the same as last week. I still see the Redskins, Bucs, and Panthers on the outside looking in: DAL, GB, NO, SEA, NYG, DET

+ In the AFC, I’m moving the Cleveland Browns into the playoff picture (more on them in a minute) and taking out the Jaguars. the current AFC playoff outlook is: NE, IND, PIT, SD, TEN, CLE.

Angle of the Week

Crazy amount of divisional games this week. 10 of the 14 games are intra-division showdowns, with Oakland at Chicago being the only inter-conference match-up on the slate.

There’s a few teams who can make huge statements with wins on Sunday:

If the New York Giants can beat the Cowboys this week, they’ll be tied for first place in the division. It’s a crucial game because they’ve already lost to Dallas once this year, and because they have a slightly tougher schedule than Dallas from here on out.

The Chargers were starting to make us all believe again until that Purple Blur ran through them for a new world record. A win at home on Sunday Night against Indy and they’ve got a legitimate claim to that 3rd spot in the AFC pecking order along with the Steelers. That being said, i think the 3.5 points that the Colts are giving the Chargers this week is way too low. You’ve got a Colts team hungry to bounce back and a Chargers team who is still living off of last year’s reputation a bit. I might have taken the Colts if the spread had been 7.5, nevermind 3.5.

The Steelers welcome in a feisty Cleveland Browns team this week looking to firmly entrench themselves in the AFC playoff picture. Look at the remaining games the Browns have. After division games against the Steelers and Ravens they play Houston, @Arizona, @Jets, Buffalo, @Cincinnati, San Fran. To think they can go 5-3 over their last 8 games in no stretch at all, putting them at 10-6 and in the playoffs. In fact, this game could be a preview of the first weekend of the playoffs.

This has Nothing to Do with Football

Batteries are pretty amazing, aren’t they? I mean, the whole concept of sticking different metals together and harnessing the resultant electron transfer that occurs into energy that can power machines.

It’s just one more invention that I never could have dreamed up in a million years. We have high definition television, wireless internet, robot vacuums, and I am still amazed by things like batteries, toilets, and telephones.

Fantasy is the New Reality

Last week I questioned whether or not the “Draft 2 running backs in the first 2 rounds” philosophy for fantasy football is going to change based on the numbers we’re seeing this year. Brad Evans of Yahoo! Sports addressed that issue this week, and thinks that people should stick to their guns and keep picking running backs.

It should be noted, however, that he also predicted that Adrian Peterson would not have a good week last week (3 TDs, 296 yds), and suggested that he should be benched for other options, so proceed with caution.

It will be very interesting to see what happens with the top pick in fantasy drafts next year now that Peterson has broken out. If he can keep this torrid pace up, he’ll be a lock for #1 next year, but if he slows down and Tomlinson has another great season, it will lead to a fun debate issue come next summer.

No Ticket, No Problem

If your wife gives you dirty looks whenever you mention the Sunday Ticket, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.

CBS - CBS has one game this week. It will be shown at 1pm EST unless you’re getting the CIN@BAL game, which is a late start.

FOX - FOX gets the doubleheader this week. Apparently they only have 6 High-Def production trucks because they have seven games on the docket and those of you watching ATL@CAR at 1pm will be doing so in Standard Def. They have 4 games early that are scattered regionally, and 3 games late. Most folks in the U.S. will be watching DAL@NYG during that late game slot.

If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage maps with your own face, be my guest.

Household Chore to Ignore

Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.

This week let’s talk about that one chair in your living room that gets neglected. Nobody ever sits on it. You kinda feel bad for that chair, don’t you? Did you know that living room furniture has feelings too? It does. So show that chair some love and spend about 10 minutes watching the game from it. You’ll balance out the karma in the room, and then you can go back to your favorite spot, knowing you did something to make things more peaceful on the homefront. And they say you’re not a sensitive guy? Pshaw.

Upset Specials

Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.

Last Week’s pick: JAX over NO (LOSS!)

Record for the Year: 5-4

This week I like the Bengals to beat the Ravens. I know how bad this Bengals team is, but the Ravens…I mean…they are just putrid offensively. The Ravens might have more playmakers on defense, but you gotta figure that Carson Palmer is going to have a huge week again at some point, right? Even though Chad Johnson is a little banged up and questionable for the game, I think the Bengals will eek out a 24-23 win in Baltimore.

Mascot Wars

The best mascot matchup of the week:

Steelers @ Browns -Is rust brown or red? It reminds me of this pair of shoes i had a few years ago that i thought were red. For months i was wearing these things thinking that they were red shoes, and it kinda bothered me. Then one day i referred to them as my “red shoes” and Erica was like, “what are you talking about? Those are brown.” We were both so convinced that the other was crazy, that we started polling friends and family about my shoes. Turns out every other person in the world that we asked, and i mean EVERY ONE, thought that the shoes were brown. I swear to you, to this day, that those shoes were red. I will go to my grave one day believing that. In fact, maybe I’ll even asked to be buried in those red shoes.

But back to the game. Is rust brown or red? Like my shoes, I’m going to say red. If rust was brown, then i would say that the browns would rust up the steelers and win the game. But rust isn’t brown. And the Steelers will win, 31-24.

Conspiracy Theory of the Week

If you’ve known me for any length of time, you’ve probably heard me riff on this before, but for those of you who have avoided me to this point, let me clue you in on a huge conspiracy. This little charade is going on at a local pharmacy and grocery store near you every day, and no one is blowing the whistle on it until now.

It’s those freaking greeting cards.

Every time i pull a greeting card and read it, i can never figure out what slot i pulled it from. I mean, i think i know the general area that it came from, but i can never seem to find its siblings to put it back where it came from. This happens to everyone, right?

I honestly believe that if we had slow motion cameras with super-sensitive microphones it would all become clear. While we are reading the cards, one of the greeting cards (presumably the leader) yells out “Shift!” and they all rearrange themselves before we have finished reading. It’s no wonder we can never figure out where the card belongs.

Throw me in a mental institution if you want, but I firmly believe that that is happening, and I can’t be convinced otherwise.

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 6-8

Year to Date: 66-64

This week I’ll be going head to head against the son of the Schnoz, my son Parker. I’ll be picking against the spread, he’ll be picking games straight up.

First, here’s my picks for Week 10 (your spreads may vary):

MIN(+6.5), CLE(+9.5), STL(+12.5), KC(-4.5), TEN(-4.5), BUF(-3.5), WAS(-2.5), ATL(+4.5), CIN(+4.5), CHI(-3.5), DAL(-1.5), DET(+1.5), IND(-3.5), SEA(-10.5)

And here’s Parker’s picks for Week 10 (he picks all 14 games and his nose in less than 2 minutes):

Final Word

Any man who has already started Christmas shopping, what kind of a man are you?

Thanksgiving is still light years away and you’re already shopping for christmas gifts? Are you that bored that you have nothing better to do in early November than go christmas shopping? If you need something to do, come by my house and do some yard work on saturday. We’ve got a huge butterfly bush that needs to be cut down and some tall grassy shrubs that need to be trimmed.

Lose the credit card or you’re going to lose your man card, that’s all I’m saying.

Have a great weekend!

-The Schnoz

Tags: Football, Schnoz Report