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It is my humble opinion that the cruelest show on television is ABC’s The Bachelor. Week after week 25 women get whittled down to the final two, and along the way they have to watch their love interest make connections with other women…they are living with! And if you’re lucky enough to make it to the end, you get to take the ultimate walk of destiny from a limo to the waiting bachelor where he will either ask you to marry him or dump you. I mean seriously, the only way this show would be more cruel would be if instead of being dumped, you were executed by a firing squad. (Then again, most of those women who finish in second place would probably choose execution over the rejection in that moment.)

This month a new season of “The Bachelorette” started, featuring Deanna Pappas, a former Bachelor contestant who was dumped at the altar last year (although, interestingly enough, the other girl was dumped too.) During the show’s premier, we were introduced to Ryan Hoag, one of the 25 bachelors hoping to score some marital covenant from Deanna. Ryan was taken by the Oakland Raiders with pick number 262 in the 2003 NFL Draft, earning him the tag of “Mr. Irrelevant” (the nickname given to the draft’s last pick every year). He spent some time over the next few years on the practice squads of the Redskins, Giants, and Vikings, and eventually got shipped over to the now-defunct NFL Europe league. As far as I know, he is no longer playing football professionally.

If you watch The Bachelorette, and you don’t want me to spoil Monday night’s episode for you, well too bad. Ryan was not given a rose by Deanna, and as such, his chances at becoming her husband are about as good as they are that he’ll suit up for the Patriots this year. (read: not so good)

On the show, Ryan was very open about his Christian faith, and made it a point to tell Deanna that not only was his faith the most important thing in his life, but also that he was still a virgin. Now, I know that A LOT of editing goes in to a television show, and quotes can be taken out of context, but it makes me wonder, why does this happen so often? Why do Christians virgins over the age of 25 feel the need to make such a big deal out of it?

I know I’ve wandered into touchy territory here, but allow me to rant for a minute. It’s my opinion that virginity is a big deal in our culture not only because our culture is obsessed with sex, but also because the folks who are virgins sometimes make it into a big deal. Was Ryan really worried that Deanna wouldn’t accept him because he had never had sex before, or was he more concerned with getting his secret off his chest?

You see, here’s the thing about sex: we all know how to do it. Even people who have never done it before know how to do it. Sorry if you think I’m being crude here, but we’re not talking about performing open heart surgery or landing an airplane in a thunderstorm. We’re talking about sex, something every adult is capable of doing without an instruction manual.

I guess I only bring this up because it seems so ridiculous to me to come on TV and make a big deal about being a virgin. Why would anyone do that? (unless of course you were forced to by the producers.) I’m not saying virginity is a trivial thing. I’m not saying that AT ALL. I think sexual intimacy is way underrated in terms of what it means to a relationship and how important it is. But is it the only thing? No. Not at all. Chances are, in your relationship you’ll spend a few hours a week having sex. That’s 1% of your week. Maybe 2% if you’re lucky. Sex is important, but it’s just one component of many that make up a healthy relationship.

It seems like the whole “I’m still a virgin” thing can get in the head of single Christian guys so much, that they begin to get a complex about it. Instead of embracing their abstinence for the honorable thing that it is, they see it like a scarlet “V” on their chests, hidden under their clothes. It’s their secret that they carry around, wondering what everyone would think of them if they only knew.

Listen up guys, virginity is not an STD. It’s not a sexual secret that needs to be divulged to a prospective mate right off the bat so she knows what she’s getting into. It’s a part of who you are, sure, but it’s not going to make or break a relationship unless YOU make it the focus of the relationship. (or unless she does, in which case she’s probably not a keeper.) What if Ryan wouldn’t have made an issue about the fact that he had never had sex before? What if he would have just kept that personal detail to himself, like so many of the other details about himself that Deanna would have eventually gotten to know over time? If their relationship had progressed and a meaningful connection had developed, do you really think his lack of sexual experience would have been a deal breaker? I doubt it.

So anyway, I know this was off the beaten path of what we typically cover here, but I felt like venting about and it involved a Christian athlete, so I figured I’d let it fly. I don’t mean to pick on Ryan Hoag, in fact, I think it’s cool that he took a chance and went on the show, even if it is cruel and heartless. Good for him. I wish him the best with whatever he sets out to do next. But guys, if you ain’t had sex yet, your virginity is not some dark secret you need to play hide and seek with in your relationships. Just because you thought Steve Carrell was funny in the 40-yr old Virgin, doesn’t mean you need to act like him.

Here’s the deal. You’re a virgin. That’s cool. You know how to have sex, you want to have sex, but you’ve chosen not to. That’s great for you. Really, it is. Let’s keep that between you, your closest friends, and God. And if you ever get into a serious relationship, hopefully you’ll figure out when the right time is to approach the subject (here’s a hint: probably not on the first or second date). Just don’t be weird about it. Really, it’s not that strange of a thing to be a virgin. Different? Yes. Against the norm? Sure. But it’s only a HUGE deal if you make it a HUGE deal.

or put another way, I don’t think it’s the virginity itself that freaks people out, I think it’s the way the virginity is talked about and treated that freaks people out.

just my two cents…let me know if I’m way off base on this…