This is Part 5 of a 5-part series, The Christian’s Guide to Fantasy Football.

Here’s Part I , Part II , Part III, and Part IV.

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Part V – Feeling The Draft

In Part IV we made sure you were ready for the draft and what do you know, draft day is here! As you stroll in to your draft room (be it real or online), your goal should be to stick to your master list no matter which players the other owners select. If you stay true to your plan you’ll be guaranteed to finish the draft with a team that will contend. Remember, there are two types of people who end up nauseous at the end of a draft: the guy who deviates from his rankings and picks a terrible team and the guy who wolfs down an entire bag of salt and vinegar chips in 20 minutes. You don’t want to be either of these guys.

Once you’ve arrived find yourself a comfortable seat in the room, spread out your magazines and lists, and buckle in. The next two hours are going to play a huge role in how you feel on Sunday nights for the next 4 months. Have yourself a bad draft, and it’s the equivalent of eating everything on the Taco Bell menu for the next 16 Sundays. You’ll go to bed feeling sick and wake up on Monday mornings feeling worse.

Let’s Talk Trash

As a Christian involved in a fantasy draft you need to determine ahead of time where you are going to draw the line between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. You can go with your gut on this, or you can make the decision beforehand through much prayer and fasting. In the end, it’s between you, God, and the owners that you are about to make life miserable for.

In order to help you determine how to conduct yourself, I’ve come up with a guideline you can use to determine what is and what is not acceptable behavior for you at your fantasy draft. Print this list out on draft day and physically draw a line on the page where you think acceptable behavior ends and being a jerk begins. They are ordered from least to most reprehensible, and are as follows:

Where I Draw the Line

1. I am okay with withholding congratulations from a fellow owner who makes a good pick.

2. I am okay with snickering under my breath at an owner who makes a questionable pick so the people closest to me can hear and snicker too.

3. I am okay with laughing loudly at an owner who makes a questionable pick so the entire room can hear and laugh along with me.

4. I am okay with laughing as obnoxiously as possible at every owner after every single pick is made. I am aware this may lead to a fistfight, and I am okay with that.

5. I am okay with shouting sarcastic compliments at the other owners and making fun of their physical flaws and mental deficiencies (the player’s as well as the owner’s) throughout the entire draft.

6. I am okay with screaming off-color words and blowing a foghorn to rile up the other owners. (you see, I told you in Part IV that the foghorn would come into play.)

7. I am okay with saying, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” every time an owner makes a pick I think is stupid.

8. I am okay with bringing a hair pick covered in poop with me to the draft so that any time an owner makes a bad selection I can say “Would you like a crappy pick to go along with that crappy pick?”

9. I am okay with making completely inappropriate remarks about the spirituality of the other owners after questionable picks like, “A Tight End in the 3rd round? Wow, God might not let you into heaven after that selection!” or “You took Fred Taylor over Maurice Jones-Drew? What are you, a Satan worshiper?”

10. I am okay with bringing a weapon to the draft and forcing other owners to pick who I tell them to or risk broken bones and loss of consciousness.

11. I am okay with murdering all of the other owners in the room and drafting nothing but kickers, tight ends, and Defenses for their teams.

Not only will this list help you make tough choices in the heat of the moment, it will also serve as a good defense if another owner accuses you of “crossing the line” with your behavior (which will undoubtedly happen). When this does happen, all you need to do is point to the line you’ve physically drawn on your list and show him that your comment did not, in fact, cross the line at all. Chances are, he’ll have nothing to say to that. (At least nothing that can be repeated on this website.)

The Aftermath

At the end of every draft there are two types of owners that emerge: the “I really like my team” owners and the “I absolutely hate the team I just drafted” owners. No matter how you feel about the team you’ve just assembled, it’s imperative that you say nothing but positive things about your squad. If the other owners sense any weakness in you, they’ll know that you already hate your team and they’ll try to take advantage of you with terrible trade offers. The more you say you like your team, the more they are going to question how good their team actually is. As with most things in life, confidence is the key.

It is also important to remember that just because the draft is over, the trash talking doesn’t stop. When done well, trash talking is to fantasy sports what playoff beards are to hockey: abrasive, comical, and incredibly ugly. You need to hit the other owners with verbal jabs and hooks whenever it will help you out. Repeated smack talking can lead another owner to make bad trades, dumb roster moves, and say things that get him in trouble. It is one of the most powerful tools you have as a fantasy owner.

If you’re thinking about taking the high road in your fantasy sports league and refraining from trash talk, please reconsider. As a Christian, there are few times in life where you can be as mean as possible and not feel guilty about it afterward. Playing fantasy sports is one of those moments, and it should not go wasted. Think about it, when else in life can you look a friend in the eye and tell him, “I’m going to obliterate you and use your lifeless carcass as the rug that goes around my toilet and absorbs all of my misfired urine” and feel no guilt? Not often, I tell you, not often at all.

Speaking Garbage

The key to successful fantasy trash talking is to go overboard. No one is going to be scared or laughing if the best you can do is “I’m going to beat you really good, you stinker”. Compare that to a statement like “I’m going to destroy you so mercilessly that your entire team will drown in a pool of your mother’s salty tears.” Which one do you think will garner a stronger reaction?

It’s always a good idea to fire the first shot in a trash talking war. If your bullet hits its target, it might be the only one that gets fired. If someone does happen to beat you to the initial strike however, don’t fire back with the first insult that comes to mind. Take time crafting a comeback that hits back with maximum force. The best retort you can think up on the spot can always be improved upon if you put some thought into it. When you get a card for your wife you don’t just write the first thing that comes into your mind on it, do you? Actually, that might not have been the best example. Let’s move on.

There will be times when someone lays into you with the perfect piece of trash talk and you know immediately that you’ve been beat. In these instances it’s always better to acknowledge your defeat rather than trying in vain to fight back. A simple response of “well played, sir” or “that was amazing” will let your competitors know that you’re smart enough to know when to concede a victory. Your response will not only catch your rivals off guard, but it will lower their defenses just enough for you to surprise them with a devastating jab when they least expect it.

Let the Games Begin

Once the teams start playing actual games, it’s on you to guide your team to the Championship. Hopefully this guide has helped you find the right league and compile a decent team in the draft. The rest is up to you.

Pick each week’s starters with care. Pay attention to the match ups and follow your instincts. Rip off other owners in trades any chance you get. Never be afraid to hurl insults at other owners, so long as you’re not putting your salvation in jeopardy. And above all else, remember it’s just a game.

(A game that you will stop at nothing to win.)

(For the glory of God, of course.)

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(The preceding may or may not be included in Bryan’s book-in-progress, “Let There Be Touchdowns: Why God is a Sports Fan and Why You Should Be Too”. If you’d like to stay current on what’s happening with the book, leave your name and email address here.)

As always, feedback, props, criticisms, and comments are strongly encouraged. Italics: letters in need of a V8.

Late summer 2004 – The Summer Olympics had just ended, a Russian named hurricane was bearing down on the gulf coast, and Auburn opened the season with Louisiana-Monroe. Auburn won 31-0, and finsihed the season 13-0

Late summer 2008 – The Summer Olympics have just ended, a Russian named hurricane is bearing down on the Gulf Coast, and Auburn opens the season Saturday against Louisiana-Monroe.

Prediction? What else, Auburn 31 Louisiana-Monroe 0
War Damn Eagle!

I have a Steeler fan in the house. A fourth-grade Steeler fan who was raised to bleed Eagles’ green.

I’m past beating myself up, wondering if I should have painted the nursery midnight green and silver, or if I should have dropped $50 on an Eagles’ one-sie that he would have worn for three months and stained with burped Gerber prunes. I could have done those things but that wouldn’t have guaranteed his sanctification as an Eagles’ fan.

Adam and Eve had the perfect parent and they rebelled. I’m doing the best I can. but blame must be projected elsewhere and I’m tempted to bite that ancient apple toss the woman that God gave me under the Madden tour bus.

Amy’s been introducing odd maternal values into the arena of football fandom and I don’t like it. She’s informed me that I may not by my youngest son an Eagles’ t-shirt (“May not?” Really?”). She’s concerned that our Steeler fan will be alone in his fandom and feel a lack of closeness with me and my oldest Eagle-fan. If I were to enlist the youngest son, the middle child would totally be isolated and somehow emotionally scarred.

I’ve taken some of Amy’s input to heart. I’ve bought my prodigal a Steelers cap and last night made the pilgrimage to Heinz stadium to watch the meaningless fourth preseason game with Prodigal and two of his equally misguided schoolmates. I’m right at the edge of being an enabler.

But her declaration that my youngest son is to be tabula rosa is intolerable. Erie, PA is a town split between Bills, Steelers, and Cleveland fans. To think that my youngest will somehow become an Eagles fan without mentoring is laughable. It’s like hoping for an altar call at a Richard Dawkins book signing.

Furthermore, the injection of the maternal value of a “balanced family” reeks of social engineering. What if… what IF the youngest becomes an Eagles’ fan? Do we shun him from the family to preserve some artificial ideal of what our family should look like? I’m married to a Social Darwinist, I am.

No, that’s obviously not what the football gods intended. Fandom is instinctual. Wolves don’t discuss whether or not they will raise their cubs to be wolves or not. They just raise wolves. And darnitall, in this house, we’re raising Eagles fans. My prodigal? He can join the pack or be a lone wolf. I’ll love him either way as long as he doesn’t ask me to change the channel to watch his game. That’s just how it is. I’m putting my foot down.

As soon as I find the courage to inform my wife.

This is Part 4 of a 5-part series, The Christian’s Guide to Fantasy Football.

Here’s Part I , Part II , and Part III.

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Part IV – Some Assembly Required

Now that you’ve found a league and you’ve given your team a worthy name, it’s time to get some players. The way we do that in world of fantasy sports is through one of two routes: the draft or the auction.

Going, Going, Gone

In an auction format owners sit together in a room spending fake money on fake contracts for real players. Owners take turns putting players on the auction block and the bidding increases until someone has overpaid for a guy he never really wanted on his team in the first place. While all the other owners breathe a sigh of relief over this near miss, the owner who won the bidding usually will excuse himself at this time to go outside and throw up in the bushes. This continues on for about 8 hours until everyone has a full roster of players or is too dehydrated from puking to continue.

The auction format is great because it gives everyone equal ground to start off with. Every owner begins with the same amount of money and the same chance at the best players. There’s no owner sitting in the corner griping about “never getting the first pick” and complaining that his draft was ruined before it started. The problem with the auction, however, is that it takes a huge investment of time and energy to survive.

Each year hundreds of fantasy players walk out of auction drafts a shell of the person they were walking in. Sometimes it can cost you more than a good night’s sleep. A few years ago an evangelist from Kentucky was so disoriented from an 11-hour auction on a Saturday afternoon that he showed up the next day to preach at a church wearing nothing but a Peyton Manning jersey and slippers. The ushers scrambled to get him appropriately dressed before the service began, only to have him pulled off of the platform at the last minute when the church’s pastor discovered he had titled his sermon, “Can the Bible Explain Why I Spent $42 on Jeremy Freaking Shockey?”

The Crafty Serpent

The Snake Draft is the most widely used format that fantasy leagues will use to choose players. Unlike the auction format, which until this year was strictly an in-person event, the snake draft can be done easily online or in person, and usually takes between 2 to 3 hours to complete. Despite what some conservatives might tell you, the snake draft, which is also referred to as a “serpentine draft”, is not named after the crafty snake in the Garden of Eden. While it is true that owners who lie and deceive do generally have better teams than those who do not, the snake draft gets its name from the way the draft order looks when it is written out on a board. The order of picks reverses itself every other round, which is why some folks have started referring to it as the “John Kerry” Draft Format.

If you are picking near the beginning or end of a round, you’ll get to make two picks within a few minutes of each other and then have to sit around for 20 minutes while most of the players you are targeting get snatched up by other teams. Team owners with short attention spans generally prefer to be in the middle of the draft order so their pick comes up with regular frequency in the middle of each round. People who smoke or have chronic intestinal issues usually prefer to be at either end of a round so that they have adequate time to do their business without missing out on their pick.

Magazines and The Rizzingtons

In the days leading up to your fantasy draft, it’s a good idea to do some prep work. For most of us, this means going to the local grocery store and spending a few minutes staring at all of the fantasy sports magazine covers. This in itself can be a difficult job. You’ve got to discipline your eyes to stay focused on the task at hand while Tiger Beat, Off-Road Magazine, and Us Weekly vie for your attention with their flashy headlines and distracting color pallets. I recommend getting your magazine at a grocery store and not a gas station or bookstore, otherwise you’ll have even more garbage pulling at your attention. Remember, you’re about to prepare for your fantasy draft, so you need all the blood rushing up the field towards your head.

If you’ve looked through these magazines before, you probably know that the lists of player rankings you’ll find printed in them is almost identical from one magazine to another. What you probably didn’t know is this is because all of these publications get their information from the same source. It’s a master list put out each year by Harold and Louise Rizzington, a chain-smoking couple in their sixties who live off the coast of Massachusetts on Nantucket Island. In the months following the Super Bowl, Harold and Louise lock themselves in their cottage with nothing but boxes of wine and fig newtons, where they run complicated algorithms through seven different computers to create a master list that ranks every fantasy player from Tomlinson to Grossman.

Once their list is finalized, they sell it to all of the trade publications, who in turn make a few subtle changes so their list differs slightly from the original. As a result, you find yourself in the grocery store staring at 8 different magazines that essentially all have the same list of players inside. Don’t be fooled by the outlandish claims you see on their covers claiming to have the best Cheat Sheet or the most accurate mock drafts. They’re all the same. The next time you are picking out a fantasy sports magazine, just remember Harold and Louise inhaling those fig newtons and buy the one with the cheapest cover price (or the one furthest on the shelf from MAXIM).

Once you have your fantasy magazine in hand, you really don’t need to do anything else except show up for the draft. Harold and Louise really have done all the work for you. Other than your magazine, just bring along your league entry fee, a few pens, and a foghorn. (but more on that in Part V)

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(to keep reading) – Part V – Feeling the Draft

(The preceding may or may not be included in Bryan’s book-in-progress, “Let There Be Touchdowns: Why God is a Sports Fan and Why You Should Be Too”. If you’d like to stay current on what’s happening with the book, leave your name and email address here.)

As always, feedback, props, criticisms, and comments are strongly encouraged. Italics: letters in motion.

a few straws for the aching back of your camel…

+ Pastor Mark Batterson performed a chapel service for the Jacksonville Jaguars last night. The Jags play the Redskins tonight in D.C.

+ Over at StuffChristiansLike.net, Jon offers up what he calls “The Greatest Exercise-Focused Bible Verse Ever”. It involves walking, running, and hang-gliding.

+ Here’s a quick note about a successful Fellowship of Christian Athletes outreach event in Italy.

+ We’ve got 8 people in our NFL Eliminator League as of this morning. Still looking for some more brave souls to test their football savvy against the country’s finest football minds. Click here to join our group (name: Prayers For Blowouts, password: “pfb”).

+ My son Parker has his first soccer practice yesterday. That’s him chugging down water during a break.

This is Part 3 of a 5-part series, The Christian’s Guide to Fantasy Football.

Here’s Part I and Part II.

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Part III – The Art of Naming

Once you’ve got a fantasy league picked out, the next thing you should do is name your fantasy team. Few things are more important to the success of your fake franchise than the label you slap on it before the season.

Naming your fantasy team is more of an art than a science. There are no clear-cut rules for what constitutes a good or a bad fantasy team name, but there are some general guidelines you can follow to ensure that you don’t have the worst team name in your league. I’ve listed a few below:

• DO feel free to use alliterations whenever possible. Not only do they look good, but also they make for great nicknames. For example, “The Amish Are Apoplectic” is a great name because it is visually appealing and you have the option of referring to your team as ‘The Triple-A’ if you like. (Plus, major bonus points any time you can incorporate the Amish into your name.)

• DON’T use your team name to make derogatory references to your spouse or pastor. “Nagging Wife For Sale” or “Shut Up, Pastor Matt” will only get you into trouble in the long run.

• DO use your team name to make childish references to bodily functions and noises. You’ll get your opponents chuckling, which will distract them from the fact that you are about to pummel them into Bolivian. You can’t go wrong with names like “Fart Like You Mean It”, “Will Belch for Field Goals”, or “The Landlord Broke Wind”.

• DON’T use the name of your favorite professional team in your fantasy team’s moniker. Names like “Patriots Power”, “Raiders Rule”, and “Giants4Life” make you sound like a 13-yr-old girl texting her pimple-faced boyfriend.

• DO feel free to incorporate pop culture references whenever you can. Incorporating characters or dialogue from recent television shows or movies is a great way to get a laugh and show you’re still on the ball. Personally, I don’t think you can ever go wrong with a Seinfeld reference. In the past few years I’ve gone that route more than once fielding teams named “The Marine Biologists”, “I Was in the Pool!”, and “The Pretend Architects”.

• DON’T try to convert people to Christianity with your team name. While I’d never say that God is incapable of using a fantasy team name to change someone’s heart, I’m pretty sure that there are better ways God can use you to get a hold of someone’s life. If you’re thinking of naming your team “No Christ, No Heaven” or “Only Papelbon and Jesus Save”, please reconsider.

If creativity has never been your strong point, you’re in luck. I’ve got so much creativity in me, my right brain had to start renting out space in my left brain because it ran out of room. I’ve got so much creative juice in me, people collect my sweat and sell it to artist communities as energy drinks. I’m so creative, I make your metrosexual worship pastor look like the church accountant. I’m so stinking creative…ok, that’s enough of that joke.

I might not be the creative force that I think I am, but i did manage to come up with 77 names you can feel free to use for your fantasy football team if you can’t think of your own.:

The Goal-Line Ushers

The Deacons of Demolition

No Soup For Esau

Give Me Back My Rib

The Manna Eaters

The Naked Fig Leaves

Bathroom of Noah’s Ark

The Purpose Driven Warriors

Daniel’s Lion Whisperers

The One-Eared Peter Fighters

Screen Pass To Judas

The Anger of Chris Tomlin

Jonah and the Vomit Riders

Muting Balaam’s Ass

The False Starting Lepers

The Unpardonable Win

The Bald Samsons

Samson Mullet Power

The Shears of Delilah

Touchdown Revival Meeting

Manger Danger

The Frankincense Nonsense

The Fiery Furnaces

The Fake Hairy Arms

The Shutdown Shepherds

Herod and the Hail Mary’s

Enamel of Osteen

The Propitiation

The Weather in Gomorrah

Solomon Knows I Rule

The Abomination of Desolation

Prophets of Baal

Pigskin Lyre

Burning Reggie Bush

The Power of Babel

Nebuchadnezzar’s Cud Eaters

The Fibbing Pharaohs

The 12 Tribes of Lombardi

The Eden Gardensnakes

Jesus Wept, You are Inept

Egyptian Frog Casserole

The Altar Encroachers

Turning Water to Wins

The Headless Giants

The Sharp Shooting Shepherds

Team Golgotha

Twelve Plagues on the Field

Talking Donkey Power

Baptism In Your Tears

Dead Prophets of Baal

Balaam’s Horse-Collar Tacklers

Neutral Zone Evangelizers

The Fighting Apostles

Holy Kisses of Death

Disciple This!

Fierce Nile Blood Squad

Eve’s Apple Biters

Martin Luther Chop Block

Bathsheeba Needs a Bathroom

The Disciples of Beatdowns

The Parable of the Beatdowns

The Coat of Many Beatdowns

The Walls of Jericho

First and Ten Commandments

Biblical Proportions

Olive Branch Whooping Stick

Alabaster Vial of Liquid Dominance

The First Shall Not Be Last

HeBrews, You Lose

Nicodemus Nickel Defense

Shepherd’s Hook and Jacob’s Ladder

Cast the Second Stone

PassOver and Run Through

The Friends of Job

Goliath on Steroids

The Theology of Winning

The Fists of Sanctification

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(to keep reading) – Part IV – Some Assembly Required

(The preceding may or may not be included in Bryan’s book-in-progress, “Let There Be Touchdowns: Why God is a Sports Fan and Why You Should Be Too”. If you’d like to stay current on what’s happening with the book, leave your name and email address here.)

As always, feedback, props, criticisms, and comments are strongly encouraged. Italics: letters in motion.

This is Part 2 of a 5-part series, The Christian’s Guide to Fantasy Football.

Here’s Part I.

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Part II – To Pay or Not To Pay

In Part 1 we talked about why playing Fantasy Football is something every sports fan should do. In Part II, we’re going to look at one of the biggest decisions you’ll have to make as a Christian when choosing a fantasy league: whether or not you’ll be playing for money.

Gambling is one of those issues that seems to divide Christians like Moses divided the Scarlet Lake. There are Christians who think gambling is always wrong, and as such would never play a game when prize money is at stake. On the flip side, there are also Christians who love gambling as much as they love their own families, and would never consider doing anything unless there was some cash on the line. (“Hey honey, I’ll bet you five bucks I can take the trash out in 60 seconds or less.”)

Personally, I fall into the gray area in the middle that says that there’s nothing wrong with placing friendly wagers here and there, as long as it is done with moderation and wisdom (you can read more of my thoughts on gambling, specifically on playing poker for money, here if you like). If you feel the same way I do about gambling, then throwing a few bucks into a pot for the winner of your league is a fun way to keep everyone involved.

Entry Fees

Fantasy league entry fees typically fall somewhere between ten and fifty dollars to join, with the prize money either going all to the winner or split between the top 3. For the record, I suggest paying out for first, second, and third place. There’s nothing worse than losing in the fantasy championships because LaDanian Tomlinson was taken out of the game after the first series, leaving you with a second place finish and NO MONEY. At least if they pay out a second place prize you can take the few bucks you’ve won and buy yourself something that will make you feel happy. Like a margarita, a gallon of ice cream, or a life.

Some leagues might also pay out to the guy who came in last place, giving him his entry fee back as a way of helping him restore his dignity. Other leagues will make the last place finisher buy all the snacks for next year’s draft. One thing you’ll never find is a league that pays out all the money to the guy who finishes last. (But if you ever hear of such a league, please let me join know so I can join it and dominate it for the rest of my life.)

There is a Reason

If you’re unsure as to whether or not you want to play fantasy sports with some of your hard-earned money on the line, consider the following reasons I’ve compiled for and against gambling. While these are not hard and fast rules to live by, they should help you figure out whether playing for money is right for you.

Reasons not to play for money:

• You have a strong conviction against it.
• You struggle with a gambling addiction.
• You are a coach in a professional sports league.
• You know nothing about sports.
• You have no money.
• You are incarcerated.
• The entry fee for your league is $75,000 dollars.
• You haven’t had gainful employment in 3 years.
• You play Dungeons and Dragons.
• You prayed about it and an audible voice came down from heaven saying, “Hey. This is God. Don’t gamble.”

Reasons to go ahead and play for money:

• It keeps you interested in football for the entire season.
• You view the entry fee as an entertainment expense, like buying movie tickets or a new CD.
• You found fifty bucks on your way to the draft.
• Your league’s entry fee is $1.00.
• Winning fantasy sports leagues is your sole source of income.
• You will donate all of your winnings to your church’s new building fund.
• You plan on colluding with other owners to cheat your way to a championship.
• You are the commissioner of your league and can modify the scoring rules during the season to your advantage.
• The other owners in your league have a combined IQ of 67.
• You prayed about it and an audible voice came down from heaven saying, “Hey. This is God. Let it Ride!”

In the end if you find yourself agonizing over whether or not you should play for money, the best thing to do is to go to a casino, hit up the roulette wheel, and put $100 on black. If it lands on black, you just made $100! Congratulations, go spend it on your fantasy league (after you tithe 10% of course). After all, it’s house money you’re playing with.

What if it lands on red, you ask? Well, then you’re out $100, and you should probably try and win it back.And really, there’s no better way to do that then playing fantasy football for money. So go ahead and ante up!

You should also get out of that casino immediately, as it’s no place for someone like you to be hanging around.

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(to keep reading) – Part III – The Art of Naming

(The preceding may or may not be included in Bryan’s book-in-progress, “Let There Be Touchdowns: Why God is a Sports Fan and Why You Should Be Too”. If you’d like to stay current on what’s happening with the book, leave your name and email address here.)

As always, feedback, props, criticisms, and comments are strongly encouraged. Italics: the new bold, no?

Christian’s Guide To Fantasy Football

The Christian’s Guide to Fantasy Football by Bryan Allain.

Part I – Fantasy is the New Reality

Part II – To Pay or Not To Pay

Part III – The Art of Naming

Part IV – Some Assembly Required

Part V – Feeling the Draft

This is Part 1 of a 5-part series, The Christian’s Guide to Fantasy Football.

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Part I – Fantasy is the New Reality

Few things are more frustrating to a sports fan than seeing their team’s chances decimated before the season has even started. Whether it’s lopsided trades, crippling contracts, or wasted draft picks, mismanagement by ownership can submarine a team’s chances faster than you can say “Thanks for co-signing on my house, Isiah Thomas!” It’s enough to drive any self-respecting sports fan to the brink of insanity and it’s the reason why fantasy sports have become a multi-billion dollar industry. We all think we can do better.

While millionaire owners hand out bad contracts like bourbon chicken samples in the mall food court, fantasy sports give the rest of us a chance to show off how brilliant we are. We pick the players, we make the trades, and we look like geniuses if our squad wins it all. It’s like being a real General Manager, only without the seven-figure salary and the victory parade through the center of the city. (You can, of course, throw yourself a victory parade for winning your fantasy league, but don’t expect anyone to show up except for your parents.)

From television to newspapers, water coolers to the Internet, fantasy sports are everywhere. Traditional media outlets are just now starting to embrace them, realizing a majority of consumers care as much about their fantasy team as the “real” teams they follow. The rise in popularity of fantasy sports has significantly shifted the way sports are covered in the 21st century. Try as they might to mock them, even veteran sportscasters are realizing fantasy sports aren’t going away. Like the woman who dances with a ribbon in front of your church; fantasy sports can no longer be ignored.

Some Christians, especially those over 50 years old, are apprehensive about fantasy sports simply because the word “fantasy” is involved. Their only previous experiences with the word “fantasy” came from lustful thoughts they used to have about Suzanne Somers or the evil kids who played Dungeons and Dragons after school in the cafeteria. But search for ‘fantasy’ on Google today and your first result will always be a sports website. That’s a far cry from five years ago, when that same search from your work computer would have gotten you fired. Clearly the word ‘fantasy’ has taken on a whole new meaning. As a result Christians everywhere can rest easy; fantasy sports have nothing to do with magic, wizards, or women in bikinis, unless of course you’re playing fantasy basketball or fantasy beach volleyball.

A League of Your Own

If you decide to take the leap into fantasy sports, the first thing you’ll need to do is find some competition. When looking for fantasy opponents, there are two basic options: a public league with people you don’t know or a private league populated with friends.

The benefit of joining a public league is the anonymity. The other owners in your league don’t know if you spend four hours a day researching fantasy statistics or if you make all of your roster decisions by setting out a fleece like Gideon. Being an unknown adds the element of surprise to your arsenal of weapons as a fantasy owner, and as anyone who has ever been mugged by a senior citizen will tell you, the element of surprise can make all the difference.

Another factor to consider in public leagues is the insults and expletives exchanged between owners during the season. It only takes one person to start trash talking and suddenly everyone thinks they’re the second coming of the late George Carlin. 24 hours later your league’s message board reads more like a high school bathroom stall than a sports forum. If you are easily offended or don’t appreciate being referred to as a part of the human anatomy, consider avoiding a public fantasy league. (You should also consider staying away from bars, football stadiums, television shows, and high school buses.)

Most fantasy sports services will let you choose a public league or they will assign you to a random league. If you’re looking for a league made up of Christians, your best bet is to search for league names like “IloveJesusandFantasy” or “ChristianSports777″. These leagues will usually be populated by other Christians looking to enjoy a more wholesome fantasy sports experience, with message boards full of encouraging banter and out of context Bible verses. (You’re going to tell me that no one has ever used the “first shall be last and the last shall be first” defense to claim their last place finish earned them the championship?) Consider yourself warned, however, these leagues are a perfect place for a wolf in sheep’s clothing to sneak in and wreak havoc on your ‘G’ rated fantasy experience. Come to think of it, if I wasn’t a Christian I would probably join one of these “safe for the family” fantasy leagues and harass my way to a fantasy title every year. I hear there’s no greater feeling of satisfaction than cussing your way to a fantasy league championship. (No, it wasn’t Mark Driscoll who told me that, but good guess!)

Just Say No to Strangers

While the intrigue of playing in a public fantasy league is enticing, joining a league with friends is the more popular way to enjoy fantasy sports. You won’t sneak up on owners anonymously, but you’ll get just as much enjoyment from knowing exactly whom you are going to destroy each week. As someone with a lot of experience in private fantasy leagues, I can assure you that the sheer joy derived from pummeling a friend’s fantasy team is tough to top. It’s the adult version of giving your buddy a monster wedgie, with the underrated benefit of not having to touch his underwear.

Another great reason for playing in a fantasy league with friends is you can use your insider information to gain a competitive advantage. If, for instance, you know your good friend has a soft spot for junk food and is on the fence about your trade proposal, go ahead and offer him 3 bags of Nacho Cheesier Doritos to seal the deal. Think of it as an investment in the success of your team. Ten bucks worth of corn chips is a small price to pay for improving your shot at the title. Just ask Danny Ainge of the Boston Celtics, who used this exact tactic to get Kevin Garnett from the Timberwolves in 2007. (And look how that turned out! Danny Ainge was hoisting the Championship trophy while Kevin Mchale looked on in approval, busy licking cheesy orange flavoring off of his fingers.)

The Bottom Line

Whether you decide to play against strangers in a public league or opt for competing against friends, the bottom line is this: you HAVE to play. As a sports fan, you have to take a shot at running your own team. Why wouldn’t you test your sports savvy to see if you can manage a team from the first selection of draft day to a league title? Let the millionaire owners use their real money to buy their real teams, and let the real GMs get fired when they come up short. As fans playing fantasy sports, we’ve got a better thing going.

And the best part is, if it turns out you’re not the brilliant sports mind you thought you were, all you’ve lost is a little pride (and maybe a few bucks too, but we’ll get to that in Part II). A last place finish in your church fantasy football league won’t do a whole lot for your confidence, but it’s not like you’re going to become the most embarrassing member of your congregation because of it. We all know who holds that honor.

Dance away Ribbon Lady, dance away.

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(to keep reading) – Part II – To Pay or Not To Pay

(The preceding may or may not be included in Bryan’s book-in-progress, “Let There Be Touchdowns: Why God is a Sports Fan and Why You Should Be Too”. If you’d like to stay current on what’s happening with the book, leave your name and email address here.)

As always, feedback, props, criticisms, and comments are strongly encouraged. Aren’t italics fun?

If you’re reading this on the blog, you may have noticed a new page in our header navigation bar.

If you’re reading this in a feedreader, then you didn’t.

Either way, I’m excited to share with you a piece I’ve been working on for quite a while. It’s called “The Christian’s Guide to Fantasy Football” and it will be rolling out every day next week as a 5 part series.

Part 1, Fantasy is the New Reality, will hit your front step on Monday morning. We’ll see you then.