CG2FF: Part I - Fantasy is the New Reality

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This is Part 1 of a 5-part series, The Christian’s Guide to Fantasy Football.

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Part I - Fantasy is the New Reality

Few things are more frustrating to a sports fan than seeing their team’s chances decimated before the season has even started. Whether it’s lopsided trades, crippling contracts, or wasted draft picks, mismanagement by ownership can submarine a team’s chances faster than you can say “Thanks for co-signing on my house, Isiah Thomas!” It’s enough to drive any self-respecting sports fan to the brink of insanity and it’s the reason why fantasy sports have become a multi-billion dollar industry. We all think we can do better.

While millionaire owners hand out bad contracts like bourbon chicken samples in the mall food court, fantasy sports give the rest of us a chance to show off how brilliant we are. We pick the players, we make the trades, and we look like geniuses if our squad wins it all. It’s like being a real General Manager, only without the seven-figure salary and the victory parade through the center of the city. (You can, of course, throw yourself a victory parade for winning your fantasy league, but don’t expect anyone to show up except for your parents.)

From television to newspapers, water coolers to the Internet, fantasy sports are everywhere. Traditional media outlets are just now starting to embrace them, realizing a majority of consumers care as much about their fantasy team as the “real” teams they follow. The rise in popularity of fantasy sports has significantly shifted the way sports are covered in the 21st century. Try as they might to mock them, even veteran sportscasters are realizing fantasy sports aren’t going away. Like the woman who dances with a ribbon in front of your church; fantasy sports can no longer be ignored.

Some Christians, especially those over 50 years old, are apprehensive about fantasy sports simply because the word “fantasy” is involved. Their only previous experiences with the word “fantasy” came from lustful thoughts they used to have about Suzanne Somers or the evil kids who played Dungeons and Dragons after school in the cafeteria. But search for ‘fantasy’ on Google today and your first result will always be a sports website. That’s a far cry from five years ago, when that same search from your work computer would have gotten you fired. Clearly the word ‘fantasy’ has taken on a whole new meaning. As a result Christians everywhere can rest easy; fantasy sports have nothing to do with magic, wizards, or women in bikinis, unless of course you’re playing fantasy basketball or fantasy beach volleyball.

A League of Your Own

If you decide to take the leap into fantasy sports, the first thing you’ll need to do is find some competition. When looking for fantasy opponents, there are two basic options: a public league with people you don’t know or a private league populated with friends.

The benefit of joining a public league is the anonymity. The other owners in your league don’t know if you spend four hours a day researching fantasy statistics or if you make all of your roster decisions by setting out a fleece like Gideon. Being an unknown adds the element of surprise to your arsenal of weapons as a fantasy owner, and as anyone who has ever been mugged by a senior citizen will tell you, the element of surprise can make all the difference.

Another factor to consider in public leagues is the insults and expletives exchanged between owners during the season. It only takes one person to start trash talking and suddenly everyone thinks they’re the second coming of the late George Carlin. 24 hours later your league’s message board reads more like a high school bathroom stall than a sports forum. If you are easily offended or don’t appreciate being referred to as a part of the human anatomy, consider avoiding a public fantasy league. (You should also consider staying away from bars, football stadiums, television shows, and high school buses.)

Most fantasy sports services will let you choose a public league or they will assign you to a random league. If you’re looking for a league made up of Christians, your best bet is to search for league names like “IloveJesusandFantasy” or “ChristianSports777″. These leagues will usually be populated by other Christians looking to enjoy a more wholesome fantasy sports experience, with message boards full of encouraging banter and out of context Bible verses. (You’re going to tell me that no one has ever used the “first shall be last and the last shall be first” defense to claim their last place finish earned them the championship?) Consider yourself warned, however, these leagues are a perfect place for a wolf in sheep’s clothing to sneak in and wreak havoc on your ‘G’ rated fantasy experience. Come to think of it, if I wasn’t a Christian I would probably join one of these “safe for the family” fantasy leagues and harass my way to a fantasy title every year. I hear there’s no greater feeling of satisfaction than cussing your way to a fantasy league championship. (No, it wasn’t Mark Driscoll who told me that, but good guess!)

Just Say No to Strangers

While the intrigue of playing in a public fantasy league is enticing, joining a league with friends is the more popular way to enjoy fantasy sports. You won’t sneak up on owners anonymously, but you’ll get just as much enjoyment from knowing exactly whom you are going to destroy each week. As someone with a lot of experience in private fantasy leagues, I can assure you that the sheer joy derived from pummeling a friend’s fantasy team is tough to top. It’s the adult version of giving your buddy a monster wedgie, with the underrated benefit of not having to touch his underwear.

Another great reason for playing in a fantasy league with friends is you can use your insider information to gain a competitive advantage. If, for instance, you know your good friend has a soft spot for junk food and is on the fence about your trade proposal, go ahead and offer him 3 bags of Nacho Cheesier Doritos to seal the deal. Think of it as an investment in the success of your team. Ten bucks worth of corn chips is a small price to pay for improving your shot at the title. Just ask Danny Ainge of the Boston Celtics, who used this exact tactic to get Kevin Garnett from the Timberwolves in 2007. (And look how that turned out! Danny Ainge was hoisting the Championship trophy while Kevin Mchale looked on in approval, busy licking cheesy orange flavoring off of his fingers.)

The Bottom Line

Whether you decide to play against strangers in a public league or opt for competing against friends, the bottom line is this: you HAVE to play. As a sports fan, you have to take a shot at running your own team. Why wouldn’t you test your sports savvy to see if you can manage a team from the first selection of draft day to a league title? Let the millionaire owners use their real money to buy their real teams, and let the real GMs get fired when they come up short. As fans playing fantasy sports, we’ve got a better thing going.

And the best part is, if it turns out you’re not the brilliant sports mind you thought you were, all you’ve lost is a little pride (and maybe a few bucks too, but we’ll get to that in Part II). A last place finish in your church fantasy football league won’t do a whole lot for your confidence, but it’s not like you’re going to become the most embarrassing member of your congregation because of it. We all know who holds that honor.

Dance away Ribbon Lady, dance away.

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(to keep reading) - Part II - To Pay or Not To Pay

(The preceding may or may not be included in Bryan’s book-in-progress, “Let There Be Touchdowns: Why God is a Sports Fan and Why You Should Be Too”. If you’d like to stay current on what’s happening with the book, leave your name and email address here.)

As always, feedback, props, criticisms, and comments are strongly encouraged. Aren’t italics fun?

Tags: Christian's Guide To Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football