CG2FF: Part III - The Art of Naming

If you're new here, and you're into sports and/or the Christian faith, subscribe to our RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

This is Part 3 of a 5-part series, The Christian’s Guide to Fantasy Football.

Here’s Part I and Part II.

———————————

Part III - The Art of Naming

Once you’ve got a fantasy league picked out, the next thing you should do is name your fantasy team. Few things are more important to the success of your fake franchise than the label you slap on it before the season.

Naming your fantasy team is more of an art than a science. There are no clear-cut rules for what constitutes a good or a bad fantasy team name, but there are some general guidelines you can follow to ensure that you don’t have the worst team name in your league. I’ve listed a few below:

• DO feel free to use alliterations whenever possible. Not only do they look good, but also they make for great nicknames. For example, “The Amish Are Apoplectic” is a great name because it is visually appealing and you have the option of referring to your team as ‘The Triple-A’ if you like. (Plus, major bonus points any time you can incorporate the Amish into your name.)

• DON’T use your team name to make derogatory references to your spouse or pastor. “Nagging Wife For Sale” or “Shut Up, Pastor Matt” will only get you into trouble in the long run.

• DO use your team name to make childish references to bodily functions and noises. You’ll get your opponents chuckling, which will distract them from the fact that you are about to pummel them into Bolivian. You can’t go wrong with names like “Fart Like You Mean It”, “Will Belch for Field Goals”, or “The Landlord Broke Wind”.

• DON’T use the name of your favorite professional team in your fantasy team’s moniker. Names like “Patriots Power”, “Raiders Rule”, and “Giants4Life” make you sound like a 13-yr-old girl texting her pimple-faced boyfriend.

• DO feel free to incorporate pop culture references whenever you can. Incorporating characters or dialogue from recent television shows or movies is a great way to get a laugh and show you’re still on the ball. Personally, I don’t think you can ever go wrong with a Seinfeld reference. In the past few years I’ve gone that route more than once fielding teams named “The Marine Biologists”, “I Was in the Pool!”, and “The Pretend Architects”.

• DON’T try to convert people to Christianity with your team name. While I’d never say that God is incapable of using a fantasy team name to change someone’s heart, I’m pretty sure that there are better ways God can use you to get a hold of someone’s life. If you’re thinking of naming your team “No Christ, No Heaven” or “Only Papelbon and Jesus Save”, please reconsider.

If creativity has never been your strong point, you’re in luck. I’ve got so much creativity in me, my right brain had to start renting out space in my left brain because it ran out of room. I’ve got so much creative juice in me, people collect my sweat and sell it to artist communities as energy drinks. I’m so creative, I make your metrosexual worship pastor look like the church accountant. I’m so stinking creative…ok, that’s enough of that joke.

I might not be the creative force that I think I am, but i did manage to come up with 77 names you can feel free to use for your fantasy football team if you can’t think of your own.:

The Goal-Line Ushers

The Deacons of Demolition

No Soup For Esau

Give Me Back My Rib

The Manna Eaters

The Naked Fig Leaves

Bathroom of Noah’s Ark

The Purpose Driven Warriors

Daniel’s Lion Whisperers

The One-Eared Peter Fighters

Screen Pass To Judas

The Anger of Chris Tomlin

Jonah and the Vomit Riders

Muting Balaam’s Ass

The False Starting Lepers

The Unpardonable Win

The Bald Samsons

Samson Mullet Power

The Shears of Delilah

Touchdown Revival Meeting

Manger Danger

The Frankincense Nonsense

The Fiery Furnaces

The Fake Hairy Arms

The Shutdown Shepherds

Herod and the Hail Mary’s

Enamel of Osteen

The Propitiation

The Weather in Gomorrah

Solomon Knows I Rule

The Abomination of Desolation

Prophets of Baal

Pigskin Lyre

Burning Reggie Bush

The Power of Babel

Nebuchadnezzar’s Cud Eaters

The Fibbing Pharaohs

The 12 Tribes of Lombardi

The Eden Gardensnakes

Jesus Wept, You are Inept

Egyptian Frog Casserole

The Altar Encroachers

Turning Water to Wins

The Headless Giants

The Sharp Shooting Shepherds

Team Golgotha

Twelve Plagues on the Field

Talking Donkey Power

Baptism In Your Tears

Dead Prophets of Baal

Balaam’s Horse-Collar Tacklers

Neutral Zone Evangelizers

The Fighting Apostles

Holy Kisses of Death

Disciple This!

Fierce Nile Blood Squad

Eve’s Apple Biters

Martin Luther Chop Block

Bathsheeba Needs a Bathroom

The Disciples of Beatdowns

The Parable of the Beatdowns

The Coat of Many Beatdowns

The Walls of Jericho

First and Ten Commandments

Biblical Proportions

Olive Branch Whooping Stick

Alabaster Vial of Liquid Dominance

The First Shall Not Be Last

HeBrews, You Lose

Nicodemus Nickel Defense

Shepherd’s Hook and Jacob’s Ladder

Cast the Second Stone

PassOver and Run Through

The Friends of Job

Goliath on Steroids

The Theology of Winning

The Fists of Sanctification

———————————

(to keep reading) - Part IV - Some Assembly Required

(The preceding may or may not be included in Bryan’s book-in-progress, “Let There Be Touchdowns: Why God is a Sports Fan and Why You Should Be Too”. If you’d like to stay current on what’s happening with the book, leave your name and email address here.)

As always, feedback, props, criticisms, and comments are strongly encouraged. Italics: letters in motion.

Tags: Christian's Guide To Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football