If you're new here, and you're into sports, christianity, and/or things that are funnier than Dane Cook, subscribe to our RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

I’m so happy to report that the Schnoz Report is back for 2008! I discontinued last year’s edition about halfway through the season, but this year we’re back and truly better than ever. Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.

As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about how Vladimir Putin saved a TV camera crew from a Siberian tiger.

First Thing’s First

What we learned last week:

Well, we didn’t learn anything last week because this is Week 1 of the NFL and the Preseason will teach you nothing.

This is as good a time as any to mention that the NFL is strongly considering adding 1 or 2 regular season games to the schedule and removing pre-season games. The most likely scenario I’ve heard involves adding a 17th game to everyone’s schedule. This would allow the NFL to schedule games over in London (or Mexico, or anywhere else they wanted) and not mess with the fact that every team gets 8 home games.

If you remember, last year the Dolphins played the Giants in London, and it was counted as 1 of their 8 home games. The game itself was an ugly 13-10 Giants win that you’ve hopefully had magnetically erased from your brain.

There was a game last night, of course, that the Giants won 16-7. Here’s what I learned from that:

1. Don’t try to tackle Brandon Jacobs above his knees.

2. Jason Campbell may not be the best fit for Jim Zorn’s new offense in Washington.

3. I think I’m about done with John Madden at this point. It’s been a great run, but he’s really not bringing anything to the table for me.

Angle(s) of the Week

Keep an eye on Pittsburgh in the first few weeks of the season. If they don’t head into their Week 6 bye with at least 3 wins, they might be in danger of missing the playoffs. They’ve got a difficult schedule in October and November that features games at the Jaguars, home against the Giants, Colts, and Chargers, at the Patriots, and home against the Cowboys (on Dec. 7).

Considering the Steelers lost 5 of their last 8 games last year - and the 3 wins were against the Dolphins, Bengals, and Rams - they are no lock for the playoffs this year. Thankfully for them, they play in a very weak division. We’ll keep an eye on this for you.

This has Nothing to Do with Football

[frustrated political rant]I’m already tired of politics and it’s not even October yet. I’m tired of the rhetoric. I’m tired of the divisive language. I’m tired of the 2-party system. I’m tired of the pundits. I’m tired of the convention audiences applauding every time the speaker stops to catch a breath. I’m tired of the promises that neither candidate can keep. I’m tired of the digging up of past transgressions and family issues. I’m tired of the radio and television ads that try to scare me into voting one way or another. I’m tired of the “Obama’s just a cool guy with no experience” card. I’m tired of the “McCain is just another George W. Bush” Card. I’m tired of people thinking that putting Obama into office is going to suddenly change everything (it won’t). I’m tired of people thinking that McCain is going to do the same (he won’t). [/frustrated political rant]

I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the MAAAP

Each week we’ll bring you the best of NFL Maps and Bible Maps. Who doesn’t love maps?

For those without the Sunday Ticket, here’s what games you’ll be getting on CBS, FOX-Early, and FOX-Late.

For those of you wanting to trace the steps of Paul’s Second Missionary Journey, stick a thorn in your flesh and follow along here.

Caption of the Week

Here’s a new feature of the Schnoz report. I give you a photo, you give me a caption in the comments. Best caption gets highlighted in the following week’s Schnoz Report.

This week’s photo is of the recently retired Daunte Culpepper wearing something(?) over his football uniform.

Upset Specials

Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright. Why? Because America loves an underdog, that’s why.

Last Week’s pick: Sarah Palin over Mitt Romney (WIN!)
Record for the Year: 0-0

This week I’m taking the Cincinnati Bengals to upset the Baltimore Ravens in Maryland. This is a pick against Joe Flacco and the new coaching staff of the Ravens as much as it’s a pick for the Bengals. Though it should be noted that the Bengals have won in Baltimore 3 of the last 4 years. It should also be noted that Chad Johnson’s new name is Chad Ocho Cinco. Chances are you hadn’t heard that yet.

Bible Character Who Should Have been a Football Player

This week’s BCWSHBAFP is David the Shepherd Boy. Dude had a rifle for an arm, and accuracy that would make Troy Aikman cry to his mommy. Despite his young age at the time of his biggest triumphs, he still could have started for 25 of the 32 teams in the NFL right now. He had some troubles with nightlife temptation, so he might not have wanted to sign with the Dolphins considering the South Beach Club scene. Based on his experience defeating Giants and Bears, he would have done well signing with an NFC team. I think if you put him on the Vikings right now they’re a 12-4 team. Too bad he missed his shot by about 3,030 years.

If Betting were Legal

Last Year: 130-126 (51%)
Year to Date:0-0

Every week I pick games against the spread. This year I’m going to do something a bit different and go head to head against a PFB Reader every week. There will be expensive prizes on the line, but more expensive than that will be the pride on the line. Pride costs a lot of money, you know. If you’d like to go up against the Schnoz, send an email to prayersforblowouts(at)gmail-com. I’ll pick someone at random every week and shoot you an email back to let you know you’ve been chosen. Should be fun. We’ll start that feature next week.

The Spreads I use are from the NFL Picks League I am in. Often times, these are off by a point or two over the official line. I’m not sure why…but anyway, here’s my picks for Week 1 (as always, your spreads may vary):

Final Word

This year promises to be an exciting one in the NFL. The AFC is stronger than ever, the NFC is wide open, and Ed Hochuli’s muscles are still bigger than yours. There’s no more force out rule, there’s no more 5-yard face mask penalty, and there’s no more RCA Dome in Indianapolis (Hello Lucas Oil Stadium!).

The Patriots have won 19 straight regular season games dating back to last year, how long can they extend that streak? Will Eli Manning regress to his regular season form of last year? Will the Brett Favre experiment work out for the Jets? Can Donovan McNabb stay healthy for an entire season? Will Tony Romo ever frown?

For answers to these questions, and countless others, stay tuned…

-The Schnoz