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Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else. As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about how San Antonio is planning on turning your poop into fuel.

First Thing’s First

What we learned last week:

1. Tom Brady has bad days too.

1a. Remember the Super Bowl Jinx? Since 2000, only one team has returned to the playoffs after losing the Super Bowl. I scoffed at that notion with the Patriots this year…until Brady went down. Now? I guess we’ll have to all find out together.

2. Despite my thoughts last week that Pittsburgh could miss the playoffs if they got off to a rough start, we could be looking at an all-Pennsylvania Super Bowl on February 1st. Not to look past the Eagles-Cowboys matchup on Monday night (which is the obvious choice for game of the week), but next week the Steelers and their fans travel to Philly for what should be a knock-down, drag-out fight (and the battle on the field should be a great one too).

3. Whatever you thought of the AFC before Week 1, you HAVE to think a lot less of it just seven days later. The Patriots lost Captain Dimplechin. The Colts looked pedestrian in their loss to Kyle Orton at home. The Chargers were outrushed, outpassed, and beaten on a last second play at home by the Panthers. The Jets could have easily lost to the Dolphins, and the Jaguars started off the season with a loss to the Titans. Ouch. The only silver lining was the great play of the Steelers, Broncos, and Bills.

4. As it turns out, you DO need working ligaments in your knees to play football in the NFL. Go figure. (we’ll see you next year, Mr. Merriman.)

5. This has nothing to do with Week 1 of the NFL, but Clay Travis at Deadspin makes an interesting case that Beanie Wells sitting out against USC on Saturday night might not be as bad as you’d think. If they win, huzzah! And if they lose, they could still finish 11-1 with their only blemish being a game against the #1 team without their #1 player. Poll voters eat that stuff up like candy.

Angle(s) of the Week

This will be an interesting week for the rookie quarterbacks, 3 of whom are on the road this week after winning their debut starts last week in front of Home crowds.

Joe Flacco takes his Ravens to Houston, to play a Texan team that was throttled by the Steelers last week. Matt Ryan and his high-flying Falcon offense travel to a Tampa Bay team that is starting Brian Griese at QB for the injured Jeff Garcia. Aaron Rodgers takes the Pack show to Detroit to face a Lions team that gave up 318 yards ON THE GROUND ALONE last week. These guys all have a chance to be 2-0 as starters come Monday.

And we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention Kyle Orton, who might not be a rookie, but is 1-0 since winning the QB job back from Rex Grossman. He will take da bears into Carolina to face Jake Delhomme and the mighty Panthers.

Oh yeah, and there’s that Matt Cassell guy starting for New England against the Jets in New York. Something about him not starting a game since he played backyard football in junior high or something?

That’s 5, count ‘em, 5, newbie QBs playing on hostile turf this weekend. I’m betting at least 2 of them throw a dumb pick that gets taken back for 6 points on Sunday.

(side note: in case you hadn’t heard yet, Sunday’s Ravens/Texans game has been moved to Monday night because of Hurricane Ike. It will start at 8:30pm Eastern Time, and will only be shown on CBS in markets that would have received the game. I don’t believe it will be available to watch as a part of the Sunday Ticket package on DirecTV, but don’t quote me on that.)

This has Nothing to Do with Football

I always feel bad when my kids have hiccups because there’s really nothing I can do as a parent to help them get rid of them. I mean, I can scare them, but really, we all know that doesn’t work unless you scare them so violently that they scream and wail for 10 minutes. And even then it’s only a 50/50 proposition that they emerge from their traumatic state sans hiccups. You can tell them to drink water, but that usually doesn’t cut it. I’ve read that if you drink water upside down, or drink water with your chin pressed against your chest, that this helps rid you of hiccups. But asking a 5-year old to drink water upside down is essentially the same as asking them to choke, which i try to avoid doing as a parent. My 6th grade math teacher would stand hiccuping (really spellcheck? just one ‘p’? ok, if you say so) students on a chair in front of the class with their backs to the rest of the students as a cure for hiccups. It worked every time. I’ve tried to do the same with my kids, but with mixed results. You really can’t simulate the feeling of going through puberty and standing on a chair in a 6th grade classroom in the comforts of your own home.

As for how I get rid of hiccups these days, it’s easy. I just get by myself and concentrate on my diaphragm and think about it not moving. As long as my concentration is not broken, it works every time. Does anyone else do this, or am I some kind of Jedi?

Oh, and if any of you have any kid friendly hiccup cures, share them in the comments.

I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the MAAAP

Each week we’ll bring you the best of NFL Maps and Bible Maps. Who doesn’t love maps?

For those without the Sunday Ticket, here’s what games you’ll be getting on Sunday: CBS Early, CBS Late, FOX.

For those of you interested in a map of King David’s Military Victories, enjoy.

Random Handicapping Factoid of the Week that is Actually True

The San Francisco 49ers are 10-1 against the spread in their last 11 games in September versus an opponent coming off a double-digit loss. (and yes, this week they play the Seahawks, who are coming off a 34-10 beating at the hands of the Buffalo/Toronto Bills.)

Caption of the Week

Congrats to Geof Morris for his winning caption of last week’s photo:

“This is a Golden Parachute, right?”

Here’s this week’s photo. As always, best caption provided in the comments will be highlighted next week.

Upset Specials

Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright. Why? Because America loves an underdog, that’s why.

Last Week’s pick: Cincy over Baltimore (LOSS!)
Record for the Year: 0-1

This week I’m taking the Detroit Lions to shock the world and upset the Green Bay Packers. Aaron Rodgers looked great on Monday night, but let’s see how he does on the road before we ask him to start filming his own Wrangler jean ads.

Bible Character Who Should Have been a Football Player

This week’s BCWSHBAFP is Simeon, the older gentleman who was promised by God that he would not die until he saw the Christ child. Simeon displayed an inordinate amount of patience in waiting for Jesus to come, patience that would make him an amazing safety in the NFL. While other safeties jump routes too soon looking to take an interception the other way, Simeon would have waited to commit until he was sure where the ball was going. Simeon would not fall prey to the QB looking one way and then throwing another, he would be too patient to cheat in the direction of the QBs eyes.

But be warned, while Simeon was full of patience, he also knew when to strike. He waited at the temple for Mary and Joseph to bring baby Jesus and then WHAM! He was there to coddle the little tike like an inflated pigskin. He’ll do the same thing to WRs who try to go over the middle to catch a ball. Just when they think they’ve got the grab…SMACK!…there he is, delivering like his name was Moses. Wideouts will be laid out on the ground with a facemask full of fresh turf before they can say, “Nunc Dimittis!”

Schnozzy Video of the Week

Today’s Schnozzy Video of the Week is courtesy of the NFL Network. I was watching NFL Total Access the other night and they had on Mike Pereira, VP of NFL Officiating to talk about some of the calls made in Week 1. As he was explaining why Terrell Owens was penalized for his Usain Bolt-esque celebration, he mentioned one exception where a player would not be flagged for going down to the ground. I thought it was an interesting comment, so i grabbed my crappy camera and took a crappy video of it. And here you go:

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 9-7
Year to Date: 9-7

Every week I pick games against the spread. This year I’m also going head to head against a PFB Reader every week for fame, glory, and expensive prizes.

This week’s hapless contestant is Geof Morris (yes, the same geof who won the caption contest). Geof lives in Alabama, so he should be easy to beat. He helps me run all of my websites, including this one, and he blogs regularly here. We were once stranded together on I-65 in Tennessee when his truck broke down - her name was Darlene, right? - (visual proof). Good times.

The spreads we are using are from the NFL Picks League I am in. Often times, these are off by a point or two over the official line. I’m not sure why, they just are, so YSMV.

Here’s Geof’s inept picks for Week 2 in bold:

WAS (-1.5) NO
JAX (-6.5) BUF
KC (-3.5) OAK
CIN (-3.5) TEN
MIN (+3.5) IND
STL (+7.5) NYG
CAR (-4.5) CHI
DET (+3.5) GB
SEA (-8.5) SF
TB (-8.5) ATL
NYJ (-2.5) NE
DEN (+2.5) SD
ARI (-6.5) MIA
HOU (-4.5) BAL
CLE (+5.5) PIT
DAL (-6.5) PHI

Here’s my (more accurate) picks:

If you’d like to go up against the Schnoz, send an email to prayersforblowouts(at)gmail-com. I’ll pick someone at random every week and shoot you an email back to let you know you’ve been chosen.

Final Word

I had a random thought the other day. What if the NFL had a minor league system like baseball, hockey, and  basketball? What if each team had a minor league franchise in a nearby city? The season would start in April and go through August. Mediocre players could use the league to impress NFL coaches and try to make teams.

Think about it. A league like the XFL might not work because no one feels loyalty to the teams. But put the Reading Eagles in Reading, PA and you’re telling me Philly Eagles fans wouldn’t come out in droves to see what developing talent their beloved pro team had in the farm system? Instead of them whining about Kevin Kolb getting reps as soon as McNabb starts throwing balls at receiver’s feet, they could have a whole summer to see him get game action.

It would be a win-win-win. A farm system would give jobs to hundreds more guys looking to make it in pro football. It would give organizations a larger talent pool to work with and much more information on how their players perform. And it would give football fans more football at a time when there currently isn’t any (and no, I’m not counting Arena Football)

Like I said, just a random thought.

Enjoy Week 2!

-The Schnoz