The Schnoz Report: Week 3

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Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else. As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the 84-year old Islamic preacher who was asked to divorce 82 of his 86 wives.

First Thing’s First

What we learned last week:

1. Ed Hochuli is very sorry about that fumble call. Chargers fans would like him to stuff his sorries in a sack.

2. The Packers will be just fine without Brett Favre, thank you.

2a. Brett Favre lost to Matt Cassell last week. How angry do you think Belicheck would have been if Cassell would have asked Favre to sign the game ball?

3. There’s a lot of points out there to be scored. 9 teams put up 30 or more points last week. On the flip side, the Bengals have scored 17 in 2 games.

3a. The Bengals, Rams, and Chiefs are the 3 worst teams in the league right now, in no particular order. I think Marv Lewis, Scott Linehan, and Herm Edwards should all just switch jobs like musical chairs at this point. How could things be worse off than they are now for any of those franchises?

4. Watching a football game played in gale force winds isn’t as interesting as you might think, but I still can’t get over how much those goalposts were swaying in that Cincy-Tennessee game last week. That was amazing.

5. You’ve got 5 undefeated teams in each conference. Here’s how I rank them:

The “Best in Shows” - Dallas and Pittsburgh. They look like the Class of their divisions right now, but Big Ben’s shoulder is a huge concern right now in steeltown.

The “Wing Waiters” - Green Bay and Denver. Their not the favorites, but they’re waiting in the wings if something goes wrong at the top. Both teams can put up points like nobody’s business, but they’d better start stopping teams from scoring if they want to keep winning.

The “Been There, Done Thats” - New England and NY Giants. Last year’s Super Bowl contestants are a combined 4-0, and both have easy schedules ahead of them. That being said, are any of you rushing down to your bookie to put money on either team to make it back to the Super Bowl? Didn’t think so.

The “Stranger Things Have Happeneds” - Carolina and Tennessee. Because you can never count out a healthy Jake Delhomme and a mustachioed Jeff Fisher.

The Stranger Things Haven’t Happeneds” - Arizona and Buffalo. For every reason these two teams could make a strong playoff run, there’s five reasons why they won’t. I’d love to see it happen, though.

Angle(s) of the Week

According to my crack research staff, In the past 18 years there have only been 19 teams make the playoffs who have started 0-2. According to my crack math skills, that’s about one per year. So the question is, which 0-2 team this year will make the playoffs? (and you can only pick one)

DET, KC, STL, MIN, CIN, JAX, SEA, MIA, SD, or CLE

take a guess in the comments if you’ve got an opinion…

This has Nothing to Do with Football

A lot of people are afraid of public speaking, but I’m not. Sure, I get nervous, but I usually handle it fine. What I am afraid of though, is public freestyle rapping. Have you ever tried to freestyle? It’s so difficult. You’re so worried about rhyming each line with the next, that you’re not making any sense. And then you can’t find a word that rhymes with “bust you in your teeth” before you get to the end of the next line so you say something like “and if your grandma steps to me, I’mma tell her she’s a weeth”. And then you are so flustered that you just used a made-up word that you start losing your cadence and making up more words, and then you’re getting booed off the stage and people are throwing their crumpled up church bulletins at you. At least, that’s how it happens in my head. So please, if you ever have me at your church to speak, don’t ask me to freestyle into the mic or i seriously will bust you in the teeth and call your grandmother a made up word. It’s way too much pressure.

I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the MAAAP

Each week we’ll bring you the best of NFL Maps and Bible Maps. Who doesn’t love maps?

For those without the Sunday Ticket, here’s what games you’ll be getting on Sunday: CBS Early, CBS Late, FOX.

For those of you interested in a map of the geographical locations of Revelation’s 7 churches, your search is over.

Random Handicapping Factoid of the Week that is Actually True

The Kansas City Chiefs are 13-2 against the spread in the third game of the season, dating back to 1993. And yet I still can’t make myself take them and the points in Atlanta this week.

Caption of the Week

Congrats to Zeke for his winning caption of last week’s photo:

“Yes Tom, now hold your leg! Grit your teeth! You’re a tiger Tom, you’re a tiger! Yes! You look fantastic!”

Here’s this week’s photo from Cincy’s loss in Week 2. As always, best caption provided in the comments will be highlighted next week.

Upset Specials

Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright. Why? Because America loves an underdog, that’s why.

Last Week’s pick: Detroit over Green Bay (LOSS!…though the Lions were winning in the 4th!)
Record for the Year: 0-2

I’ve got to break the ice and get in the win column here before I dig myself too deep of a hole. This week I’m going with the Carolina Panthers to walk into Minnesota and send the Vikings to an 0-3 start. The Panthers play well on the road - they haven’t had a losing road record since 2002 - and the Vikings are trusting Gus Frerotte with their offense. Sign me up.

Bible Character Who Should Have been a Football Player

This week’s BCWSHBAFP is John the Baptist. This guy did so much with so little thousands of years ago. His training regimen, his dieting, his equipment? Awful. Imagine if he could have done his thing with a personal trainer feeding him boneless, skinless chicken breast cutlets 4 times a day instead of eating bugs? Think about the impact this guy would have had if he traded in his sandals and camelskin for some Under Armour? We Must Protect This Jordan River!

John the Baptist could play for my team any day. And if he did he would obviously be lining up in the backfield as my fullback. You need someone who is selfless, someone who wants to help your team win in ways that put others in the spotlight. Who else but the guy who famously said, “He must increase and I must decrease.” Do you realize only two famous people have ever said that line? John the Baptist said it about Jesus back in 0030 and Tom Rathman said it about Roger Craig in 1989. Pretty good company there. Prepare ye the way for the Lord and make his paths straight? Yup. Right through the teeth of that vaunted 3-4 defense of the Pharisees.

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 10-5
Year to Date: 19-12

Every week I pick games against the spread. This year I’m also going head to head against a PFB Reader every week for fame, glory, and expensive prizes.

Last Week I trounced the Alabama Slammer, Geof Morris. I went 10-5 and Geof went 6-9. Had Geof won, he would have received a brand new 30″ Widescreen Mac Display. Instead, he wins nothing.

This week’s hapless contestant is Josh Bayne. Josh is from Oklahoma, so he should be easy to beat. He recently launched a website called The Practical Man, where Christian guys can go for everything from the most important organic fruits to buy to what to say to your wife if she’s letting herself go. (Josh also reposts the Schnoz Report over at TPM because he understands the power of the schnoz.)

The spreads we are using are from the NFL Picks League I am in. Often times, these are off by a point or two over the official line. I’m not sure why, they just are…so please deal with it.

Here’s Josh’s inept picks for Week 3:

TEN -5.5 HOU
WAS -3.5 ARI
CHI -3.5 TB
ATL -4.5 KC
MIN -3.5 CAR
NYG -12.5 CIN
BUF -9.5 OAK
NE -11.5 MIA
SEA -9.5 STL
DEN -4.5 NO
SF -3.5 DET
IND -5.5 JAX
BAL -1.5 CLE
PHI -3.5 PIT
GB +3.5 DAL
SD -9.5 NYJ

Here’s my (more accurate) picks:

If you’d like to go up against the Schnoz, send an email to prayersforblowouts(at)gmail-com. I’ll pick someone at random every week and shoot you an email back to let you know you’ve been chosen.

Final Word

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then here’s the Final 1000 Words for Week 3 of the Schnoz courtesy of misterirrelevant.com.

Vikings fans, are you sure you’re better off with Tarvaris on the bench?

Enjoy Week 3!

-The Schnoz

Tags: Schnoz Report