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Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else. As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the West Virginia man who was busted for fanning a fart in the direction of a cop.

First Thing’s First

What we learned last week:

1. The Rams ARE capable of making it into the Red Zone! Can’t remember where I heard this first, but the St. Louis Post Dispatch ran an article this week noting that the Rams didn’t make it into the red zone until their 119th play of the season. That is abysmal with a capital SUCK.

2. You want my AFC notes in a nutshell? Denver and San Diego are going to make the playoffs, no matter how many points they give up this year, because of their crappy division. Buffalo is going to make the playoffs thanks to an easy schedule. Tennessee is going to make it in on the strength of their defense. Other than that, I don’t know nothing.

3. 41 points to the Cowboys notwithstanding, the Eagles can play some serious defense. They hit Big Ben so hard, they made him wish he was a motorcycle stuntman. If they can keep Westbrook and McNabb healthy, the Eagles are the second best team in the league right now. And if you consider how the Cowboys have played in the playoffs over the last 2 years, if my life was on the line in a PHI-DAL playoff match up, I’d seriously consider taking the Eagles no matter the venue.

4. Things I’m not sure of: How Oakland lost that game to the Bills up 9 points with 6 minutes left…How Lane Kiffin is still employed by the Raiders…How Carson Palmer could bungle the clock so terribly on the last drive in regulation in their OT loss to the Giants…How the SAME STINKING PLAY worked over and over and over (was it 4 or 5 times?) against the Patriots…How anyone is going to gain 100 yards on the ground against Minnesota this year. (Their D-line clogs the line of scrimmage like I clog toilets after dinner at a Japanese steakhouse.)

5. Here’s my Schnoz Top 9 after Week 3, based on who would win if these games were played today on a neutral field.

#1 - Dallas, mostly because of Tony Romo’s dimples.

#2 - Philly, mostly because of Brian Dawkins’ cool face shield.

#3 - Pittsburgh, mostly because I refuse to put 3 NFC East teams at the top.

#4 - The Giants, mostly because they are the Champs and are undefeated.

#5 - Tennessee, mostly because of aforementioned clogging prowess.

#6 - Denver, mostly because if they have the ball last, they’ll probably win

#7 - San Diego, mostly because they let Shanahan two-point convert them.

#8 - Green Bay, mostly because “A.J. Hawk” is a rad name.

#9 - Buffalo, mostly because they beat the Jags, who beat the Colts, who beat the Vikings

3 Predictions Sure to Fail

Here’s a new segment for the Schnoz Report where I take a look at this week’s games and make predictions sure to fail. If even 1 of these come right, it might be a sign that the Armageddon, as detailed in the Left Behind series, is about to begin.

#1 - The Vikings/Titans game will feature more points scored by defenses and special teams than offenses. Bonus prediction: After the game, Kerry Collins and Gus Frerotte will meet behind the stadium and giggle like school girls at the fact that they are one of 32 men in America who are starting QBs in the NFL.

#2 - The Detroit Lions defense will only give up 35 points this week, despite being on a bye. No seriously, a few of the guys on their defense will play backyard football with family members on Sunday and will get lit up by uncles, nephews, cousins, and grandmothers. Meanwhile, Matt Millen will sit in the dark corner of his bedroom closet and pick out his mustache hairs, one by one, wearing nothing but a Lions helmet and a bib.

#3 - Marion Barber will be tackled at least once on Sunday by the first defender that touches him.

This has Nothing to Do with Football

I’m turning 32 years old this weekend. I’ve gotta be honest, I’m enjoying the thirties a lot more than I thought I would. When you act like a doofus in your twenties, they chalk it up to immaturity. But something changes once you turn 30. Suddenly if you act like a doofus it’s because you still know how to have fun.

The other day I was crank calling people from an untraceable phone and saying things like “Hello. What should I have for lunch today?” and “Hi. I’m not a robot.” (the second one I did in a robot voice.) I guarantee if those people thought I was in my twenties, they would have been thinking, “grow up you post-pubescent loser!”. But because I’m in my thirties, they were probably thinking, “Heh. That’s pretty funny. This guy still knows how to have fun for an old man.” I’m telling you, the thirties are great!

I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the MAAAP

Each week we’ll bring you the best of NFL Maps and Bible Maps. Who doesn’t love maps?

For those without the Sunday Ticket, here’s what games you’ll be getting on Sunday: CBS, FOX Early, FOX Late - in which 99% of the country gets Redskins/Cowboys.

For those of you interested in a map of the world as known to the Hebrews, knock yourself out.

Random Handicapping Factoid of the Week that is Actually True

The Atlanta Falcons have not covered the spread in their last 7 games against an NFC opponent when their previous week’s game was against an AFC team. (Last week they beat the Chiefs, this week they have the Panthers…lock it up!)

Caption of the Week

Congrats to Geof for his winning caption of last week’s photo (and not just because it was the only one):

“Ever since Bryan picked us to win the Super Bowl, we’ve been cursed. How do I get him killed for this? Can I throw my challenge flag and have that column overturned?”

Here’s this week’s photo of Lane Kiffin, from Monday’s press conference. As always, best caption provided in the comments will be highlighted next week.

Upset Specials

Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright. Why? Because America loves an underdog, that’s why.

Last Week’s pick: Carolina Panthers over the Minnesota Vikings (FAIL!)
Record for the Year: 0-3

As my 0-3 record in this little stunt displays, I clearly have a knack for this. So take heart Browns fans, I am choosing your team named after a color to upset the Striped Tigers in Cincinnati this weekend. Derek Anderson is playing for his job, after all, and who can bet against Derek Anderson under those circumstances? Not I.

On a side note, if this Cleveland season doesn’t get better in a hurry, don’t the Browns look awful for not trading Derek Anderson at the height of his value this off-season and giving Brady Quinn the keys to the car? I realize you can’t foresee everything, but they did trade draft picks away to nab Quinn in the first round of the draft a few years ago. Then again, Romeo Crennel is a genius, so I’m confident he’ll figure this out.

Bible Character Who Should Have been a Football Player

This week’s BCWSHBAFP is Elijah, prophet of God and potential kick return man for the NFL team of his choice. 1 Kings 18 tells of the time that Elijah outran King Ahab’s chariot all the way to Jezreel, which is pretty impressive considering chariots are generally pulled by horses, which are generally faster than old prophets.

Now, I have no idea how far Jezreel was from Ahab’s driveway, but I’m guessing it was farther than 100 yards. If Elijah had the power to break away from the chariot in a long-distance run, defenders wouldn’t have a prayer trying to stop him from traveling end zone to end zone.

The only downside to this signing would be if God removed his hand from Elijah. After all, that’s how the Bible says Elijah was able to break the tape before Ahab’s whip. If God chose to let Elijah run on his own ability, he’d probably take a helmet to the sternum on the 10-yard line and break into 30 pieces of prophet.

(interesting side note on Elijah: did you know that an empty chair is always placed at Jewish circumcisions for the use of Elijah? He is said to be a witness to all circumcisions when the “sign of the covenant” is placed upon the body of the child. I’ve got 4 words for you: Worst. Afterlife Responsibility. Ever.)

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 7-9
Year to Date: 26-21

Every week I pick games against the spread. This year I’m also going head to head against a PFB Reader every week for fame, glory, and expensive prizes.

Last Week I had a brain fart and went 7-9…even so, I could still not be beaten! Josh Bayne of The Practical Man fame, managed to eke out a tie on Monday night, but nothing more. Had Josh won, he would have received a pair of FM Radio pens. Instead, he wins nothing.

This week’s hapless contestant is Mike Quinn. Mike is from Illinois, so he should be easy to beat. He recently became a reader of PFB…let’s welcome him in by opening up a can of SchnozWisdom on his Illini face.

The spreads we are using are from the NFL Picks League I am in. Often times, these are off by a point or two over the official line. I’m not sure why, they just are…so please deal with it.

Here’s Mike’s inept picks for Week 4:

GB
CLE
NO
DEN
TEN
ATL
JAX
NYJ
BUF
SD
WAS
PHI
BAL

Here’s my (more accurate) picks:

If you’d like to go up against the Schnoz, send an email to prayersforblowouts(at)gmail-com. I’ll pick someone at random every week and shoot you an email back to let you know you’ve been chosen. (In fact, phone lines are wide open for Week 5, so one of you needs to man up and bring your game to the table.)

Final Word

13 people signed up for our NFL Eliminator game and after 3 weeks the number of undefeated teams have been whittled down to 6. Boyett, Martin, Hubbs, Geisbert, Goebel, and myself are the wisest of the wise. Boyett’s Team Apocalypse might have the edge right now considering he’s somehow squeezed wins out of the Cardinals and Seahawks, but it’s still early. Good luck to everyone in your suicide pools, picks leagues, and fantasy games. Oh and good luck to your favorite teams as well.

Enjoy Week 4!

-The Schnoz