The Schnoz Report: Week 5

If you're new here, and you're into sports, christianity, and/or things that are funnier than Dane Cook, subscribe to our RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else. As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the Viagra-like effects of horny goat weed.

The Schnoz Top 9

based on who I think would win if these games were played today on a neutral field.

#1 - Dallas, because losing in September ain’t so bad.

#2 - Tennessee, because Jeff Fisher’s mustache i so powerful, he had to have a second heart installed dedicated solely to supplying it with oxygen-rich blood.

#3 - The Giants, because they still haven’t lost since last year.

#4 - Philly, because Westbrook would have scored on first down last Sunday night.

#5 - San Diego, because Phil Rivers thinks he is better than you, and he probably is.

#6 - Buffalo, because they are 4-0 and are underdogs to the Cardinals this week.

#7 - Jacksonville, because Garrard handles 4th downs like Manny Ramirez handles 2-strike counts.

#8 - Baltimore, because Joe Flacco is just as afraid of Ray Lewis as you are.

#9 - Washington, because they’ve gotten significantly better each week.

3 Predictions Sure to Fail

#1 - Al Davis will appear on the next season of Dancing With the Stars. And even though he can’t dance, his personality will propel him into the finals where he will face off against a surprisingly nimble Bill Parcells. In the end there will be a tie, and there will be a dance-off, and the judge for the dance-off will be Matt Millen, and we will all throw up in our own mouths and change the channel.

#2 - Lane Kiffin will be hired as a Special Assistant to Mike Shanahan next week. Every time I read a quote from Mike Shanahan regarding Al Davis i get giddy. Shanahan hates Davis more than Matt Leinart hates camera phones. And what exactly was that garment Davis had on under his jacket during his epic presser the other day? Was that a sweater or chain mail armor? I kept thinking that Davis was going to mount a horse, grab a lance, and challenge Lane Kiffin to a joust.

#3 - 4 of the AFC’s perennial powers are on the road this week, and 3 of them will lose. That’s right, I’m looking at you Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, New England, and San Diego.

This has Nothing to Do with Football

Christian comedians have it tougher than regular comedians, don’t they? First off, they’re usually doing their bits in a church, so half the place isn’t drunk and laughing at anything that comes out of the comedian’s mouth like you typically encounter at a comedy club. Secondly, they can’t really talk about sex and religion in an irreverent manner, and if you listen to a decent amount of comedy, you’ll realize that most of what they talk about is sexual or religious in nature. Let’s face it, sex is funny to talk about…except when you’re in church. Thirdly, they are referred to as “christian comedians” which right off the bat leaves you with this weird look on your face. It’s the same look I get every time I try to explain to non-church going people that my wife and I met at a “Christian Music” Festival. It’s half-surprise and half-disgust, like “I never knew that existed, and there’s no way it can be any good.” I sometimes just tell folks that we met at a “Music Festival”, but then I think they picture us smoking opium together doing interpretive dance to a Phish cover band, so I never know what to say. I mean, we were smoking opium of course, but it was a Newsboys cover band, which makes a big difference.

I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the MAAAP

Each week we’ll bring you the best of NFL Maps and Bible Maps. Who doesn’t love maps?

For those without the Sunday Ticket, here’s what games you’ll be getting on Sunday: CBS-early, CBS-late, FOX.

For those of you interested in a map of the world land of Canaan during the book of Joshua, knock yourself out.

Random Handicapping Factoid of the Week that is Actually True

The Chicago Bears are 8-0 against the spread in their last 8 October games against division opponents coming off a non-division game. (Last week they played the Eagles…this week it’s the Lions…lock it up!)

Caption of the Week

Congrats to Joe for his winning caption of last week’s photo:

“This is where the headphone mic will be when I’m working the Burger King drive-thru next week”

Here’s this week’s photo of Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell from last Sunday’s win in Dallas. As always, best caption provided in the comments will be highlighted next week.

Upset Specials

Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright. Why? Because America loves an underdog, that’s why.

Last Week’s pick: Cleveland Browns over the Cincinnati Bengals (WIN!)
Record for the Year: 1-3

We’re back on the wagon after a correct pick last week. This week I like Houston Texans as Home Dogs to upset the well-rested Indianapolis Colts. I’m not gonna sit here and tell you the Colts are done or anything like that, I just think the Texans might be able to surprise the Colts with some early scores and sneak out a win.

Bible Character Who Should Have been a Football Player

This week’s BCWSHBAFP is Habakkuk. Habakkuk was a prophet who has an entire book of the Bible named after him. Jason Boyett could probably tell you a lot more about him than I ever could in his Pocket Guide to the Bible (available at his website for a paltry $6.99).

I’ll be honest, I have no idea where Habakkuk would fit in on a modern-day football team. I only mention him here because my wife and I pronounce his name differently, and I think it’s time I set the record straight.

I pronounce his name like so: huh-BA-kuk (accent on 2nd syllable - cadence similar to “bonanza”)

She goes with: HA-buh-kuk (accent on 1st syllable - cadence similar to “Tabitha”)

So, how do you pronounce Habakkuk?

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 6-7
Year to Date: 32-28

Every week I pick games against the spread. This year I’m also going head to head against a PFB Reader every week for fame, glory, and expensive prizes.

Last Week I had a brain belch and went 6-7…and somehow PFB reader Mike Quinn went 8-5 to beat me!

Clearly, he was cheating, and as a result we are taking a week off from the Reader picks to institute a drug testing policy and a no-cameras policy to curb this illegal activity. Congress should be voting on the bill in the next week or so. John McCain may or may not vote for it. Barack Obama will offer constructive criticism.

Despite his tainted win, Mike will receive a nice gift from Prayers For Blowouts, courtesy of The Schnoz.

Even though there are no reader picks for Week 5, I’m still going to drop some wisdom on you. The spreads we are using are from the NFL Picks League I am in. Often times, these are off by a point or two over the official line. I’m not sure why, they just are…so please deal with it.

Here’s my picks:

If you’d like to go up against the Schnoz, send an email to prayersforblowouts(at)gmail-com. I’ll pick someone at random every week and shoot you an email back to let you know you’ve been chosen. (In fact, phone lines are WIDE OPEN for Week 6, so one of you needs to man up and bring your A game to the table.)

Final Word

We lost 1 person from the ranks of the unbeaten in the Eliminator game this week when Hubbs and his Broncos pick got beat down by Herm Edwards and the surprising Chiefs. That leaves 5 unbeatens. Good luck to everyone.

Enjoy Week 5!

-The Schnoz

Tags: NFL, Schnoz Report