Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else. As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the man who used dog feces for political reasons.

The Schnoz Has No Idea Who The Best Teams are

Forget this power poll stuff. It’s a joke. It’s like trying to make money in the stock market or trying to nail jello to John McCain’s plumber’s work van.

The Schnoz thinks the Titans have the best defense in the league, and that they should easily defeat the Chiefs this weekend. In fact, with a Colts loss to the Packers this weekend and the Titans next weekend, Tennessee would have a 4 game lead on the Colts. The Schnoz would be impressed by this.

The Schnoz thinks the best teams in the NFC are hiding like Waldo in one of his big picture books. Can anyone say with any shred of confidence right now who is going to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl? All we know is that it won’t be Lions, Seahawks, Rams, or 49ers. Honestly, it could be anyone else. Like I mentioned on my blog the other day, I wouldn’t be surprised if it ended up being the Redskins, Cardinals, or Buccaneers. Right now with a gun to my head…I don’t know…I would probably question the gunman as to why he was toying with my life. The Giants? The Eagles? The Cowboys? I don’t know. Neither do you.

Titans vs. Eagles. That’s my Super Bowl Prediction as of this moment. It will change before you’ve finished reading this post.

1 Prediction Sure to Fail

(LAST WEEK’S PREDICTION) All 3 Florida teams will win this week. The Bucs will beat the Panthers at home, the Jags will go to Denver and win, and the Dolphins will go all wildcat on the Texans and win in Houston. – THE SCHNOZ ALMOST NAILED THIS. THE DOLPHINS DID, IN FACT, GO WILDCAT. BUT MATT SCHAUB AND ANDRE JOHNSON SOMEHOW SNUCK OUT A VICTORY.

(THIS WEEK’S PREDICTION) All 3 West Coast Teams playing on the East Coast will lose by double digits. The Chargers will get run over by the Bills, the Niners will get mauled by the Giants, and the Seahawks will be beaten by the Buccaneers within an inch of their lives.

The Schnoz Knows This has Nothing to Do with Football

What’s your favorite salad dressing? Right now I’m a huge Greek fan. I love it. I’d put it on my cereal if I could somehow get it down without vomiting. Just love Greek dressing. You?

The Schnoz Upset Special of the Week

Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright. Why? Because America loves an underdog, that’s why.

Last Week’s pick: Bengals over Jets (FAIL)
Record for the Year: 1-5

This week:I like Adrian Peterson to run all over an over-pursuing Bears defense and secure a huge intra-divisional win for the Vikings.

I also just had a thought. What if NFL Teams were allowed one extra advantage based on their mascot? Like The Vikings players were allowed to wear actual horns on their helmet and the Bears players were allowed to wear sharp claws? That would make things a bit more interesting. It would also make a matchup like the Ravens-Dolphins way more intriguing, though I’m not sure who would win that one. And what, exactly, would the Cleveland Browns extra advantage be? Not sure we want to go there.

Bible Character Who Should Have been a Football Player

This week’s BCWSHBAFP is Samson. The reason is obvious: Samson was a uber-strong dude who had a weakness for the wrong women. I guess that makes him like a lot of NFL players these days. As the story goes, Samson’s strength was in his hair. And when he finally spilled the dirt on his secret, he lost his hair, his power, and eventually his life. Makes you wonder what would have happened had the NFL enacted the “No Hair Covering Your Nameplate” Policy that they considered this past off-season. Would Troy Polamalu still be a defensive meast for the Steelers? Would Marion The Barbarian still be able to bounce off the first 3 would-be tacklers? Would I still laugh every time I saw Domata Peko lining up for the Bengals? I guess we’ll never know.

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 8-6 (i switched my Cincy-NYJ pick on Saturday)
Year to Date: 47-41

The spreads I use are from the NFL Picks League I am in. Sometimes these are off by a point or two over the official line.

This week I am going head to head with PFB Reader Chris Hubbs. Chris is a Chicago Cubs fan, so be sure to encourage him that next year will be the year. Chris blogs here, you should be subscribed. Perhaps next week he will blog about the whooping he received from the Schnoz with his picks. Let’s hope he is still able to form coherent sentences at that point.

First, here’s Chris’ inept picks:

• CHI
• STL
• PIT
• CAR
• MIA
• TEN
• BUF
• NYG
• DET
• GB
• NYJ
• CLE
• TB
• DEN

Here’s my picks:

If you’d like to go up against the Schnoz, send an email to prayersforblowouts(at)gmail-com. I’ll pick someone at random every week and shoot you an email back to let you know you’ve been chosen.

Final Word

And then there were 2. Boyett and Geisbert got shafted in the Eliminator last week by the Redskins and Broncos, respectively. That leaves 2 people left standing: The Schnoz and S. Martin. To the pain!

Enjoy Week 7!

-The Schnoz