So the rumors are true. The NBA is back, and action starts tonight with the World Champion Boston Celtics taking on the Cleveland Cavaliers, followed by the Los Angeles Lakers squaring off against Greg Oden and the Portland Blazers of Trails.

When I first sat down to write this NBA prediction piece I had a great idea: tonight’s TV match ups are actually previews of the Conference Finals! It’s brilliant. The defending champs from each conference battle it out against two of the biggest young stars in the league! Kobe Bryant vs. Greg Oden in the Western Finals!. Boston’s Big 3 vs. LeBron James in the Eastern Finals! The match ups that opened the season would also close them! Wow, what symmetry! This will be the best prediction piece ever!

There’s only one problem: those match ups aren’t going to happen.

But here’s what will:

5 Predictions for the Eastern Conference

1. The Celtics WILL make it back to the playoffs, but WILL NOT make it back to the Eastern Conference Finals. I just don’t see the Big 3 Old 3 staying healthy all year. And yes, losing James Posey hurts them. It hurts them like it hurt when your junior high girlfriend broke up with you, only she did it by sending her friend over to your locker to tell you she didn’t want to go out with you anymore. That was the worst, wasn’t it? Before the friend even said a word, you knew it was coming. Please tell me I’m not the only once this happened to?

2. LeBron James can carve a turkey with only a dull knife and his left foot. He can find a a bible verse in the minor prophets faster than any pastor. He can set a basketball on his buttocks and break wind to force it up into the hoop (off the backboard, no less!). I don’t know…I’m just trying to say things about him that haven’t been said yet. It’s not that easy.  - insert clever segue here - and it won’t be easy for James to get to the Eastern Conference Finals this year. But he will. Oh yes, he will.

3. The Orlando Magic are THIS close. But they’re not there yet. Dwight Howard needs a little more help in the back court before they’re ready to challenge for the title. Then again, if Dwight Howard prays like he never has before, there is a chance. So really, this season for the Magic comes down to Dwight Howard’s prayer life. There’s something you won’t read in SLAM Magazine.

4. The Pistons are done with a capital ‘O-L-D’. So is Larry Brown, who, as you may have forgotten, is the new coach of the Charlotte Bobcats.  Neither Charlotte nor Detroit will be the worst team in the East, however. That role will be played by the Knicks or the Nets. (I tried to decide on one of them, but it gave me an instant migraine. So let’s go with both.)

5. The team that the Cavs will play in the Eastern Conference Finals? None other than the Toronto Raptors. That’s right, the red raptors, led by Bosh and Calderon, will play their way into the Semi-Finals to face off against LeBron and the Cavs. Will it be enough to beat them? Find out in 3 minutes…

5 Predictions for the Western Conference

1. The Spurs WILL NOT be playing in the Western Conference Finals. Why not? Because this is my preview column and I don’t want them in there. In an unrelated note, Manu Ginobili just walked by an elderly woman at a grocery store and flopped in the cereal aisle trying to draw a charge. This guy’s work ethic is amazing! Always working on his craft, that Ginobili.

2. The Lakers really are as stacked as everyone is saying. They’ve got the talent, especially with Bynum coming back, but what sets them apart this year to me is the chip on their shoulder. They were embarrassed in Boston in the Finals, and if you don’t think that’s going to play on the screen of Kobe’s mind in HD over and over again, you don’t know the power of the black mamba. I think the Lakers will finish the year with the best record, and make a beeline through the playoffs to the Western Conference Finals where they’ll play…

3. The Grizzlies. In the Finals? No. I’m crazy, but I’m not an idiot. The Grizzlies will be the worst team in the league this year. (We’ll get to the other Western Conf. Finals team in a minute.) The Grizzles, as I like to call them, are so bad, they will go through 4 coaches. They will average an attendance of 543 people. They will be shutout 6 times and no-hit once. They will be blamed for high gas prices and a struggling economy. They will beg Isiah Thomas to coach them and he will say no. They will play 1-on-5 against Rick Warren in a pick-up game and lose. They will find Osama Bin Laden and then lose him. They will hire Tim Donaghy as their team president. They will make it onto the next season of Survivor and immediately try to be the leader of their tribe and get voted out in the first episode. They will forward every chain email they get to everyone they know. They will lose. A lot.

4. The Blazers, Mavericks, Suns, and Rockets will be in the mix in the playoffs. But they won’t be the team who tries to take down Kobe in the Western Conference Finals.

5. That will be the Hornets, who will ride Chris Paul like Amtrak all the way to the semis. All Aboard the CP3 Train!

And for the Finals?

How about Kobe versus LeBron? No? Well, too bad because that’s what I’m going with. I like the Lakers to beat the Cavs in 6 games in NBA Finals.

Phil Jackson will win his record 10th NBA Title and smoke a cigar during the trophy presentation just to get under Red Auerbach’s skin, which is pretty sick considering Auerbach is dead.

Kobe wins the Finals MVP Award and asks Shaq to kiss it and tell him how it tastes.

Other Predictions

League MVP – Chris Paul (runner-up Dwight Howard, Kobe, or LeBron)

First Coach Fired – Lawrence Frank, Nets (though I don’t wish unemployment on anyone)

First Coach to Start Salivating Over other Jobs – Larry Brown (he’s already started)

First Person to Tell Me the Blazers Will make the West Conf. Finals – Jordan Green

Your Turn

So those are my predictions. Not very sexy, I’m afraid. In fact, this might be the worst season preview ever. But you can help! Make some educated guesses in the comments. Give us your matchups for the Conference Finals and who you think will win it all this year in the Finals. Throw in a league MVP if you’re feeling dangerous.

Go ahead, make me look stupid (as if I needed the help)