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Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else. As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the tragic story of the cat shot in the head with a crossbow (that actually lived!).

First Thing’s First

The Schnoz’s observations on the league at the halfway point.

+ The AFC West might be the worst defensive division we’ve ever seen in the league. Out of the 32 teams in the league, check out these rankings:

Yards allowed per game: OAK(26th), SD(28th), DEN(30th), and KC(31st)

Points allowed per game: SD(23rd), OAK(24th), KC(28th), and DEN(29th)

+ The NFC West isn’t much better. In fact, 8 of the worst 11 teams in the league in defensive PPG are from the NFC West and AFC West.

+ Only 5 of the 16 NFC Teams are under .500 right now. None in the NFC East or South. We could see a 10-6 team in the NFC miss the playoffs this year. I’m looking at you, Philly Eagles.

+ In the AFC, 9-7 will probably be good enough for a team to make it in this year. Hi, Denver Broncos.

+ In my opinion, the only playoff locks right now are Tennessee in the AFC South and Arizona in the NFC West. TEN because of the lead they’ve built (and they’re amazing defense). And Arizona because of the turdliness of the rest of their division. You can make a case for the Giants, but they’re division is so tough, that they’ve still got to win some tough games. And I’d listen to you on Pittsburgh too, but they need to stay healthy to finish strong.

+ My random stab at the NFC Playoffs: NYG, CAR, ARI, GB, WAS, DAL

+ For the AFC: TEN, PIT, BUF, DEN, BAL, NE

+ Oh and remember, if you hear someone telling you that a Redskins win at home against the Steelers on Monday night ensures a win for the encumbent party, tell them that they’re wrong. While this crazy little predictor actually rang true for the 17 elections leading up to 2004, it was nullified by the Redskins loss to the Packers in 2004 (coupled with John Kerry’s failed bid at the White House).

This has Nothing to Do with Football

Here’s an interesting little political endorsement for you. MMA fighter Matt Hughes is endorsing John McCain. Knowing only a little about Matt, I’m not surprised by this at all. Though I have to say, I’m not sure I’m tracking with him on his reasons. He mentions the “won’t put his hand over his heart during the anthem” thing about Obama more than once. I thought this was sort of debunked at this point. He also claims that McCain has shown more respect to Obama, citing the way they address each other. Funny, because to me Obama has come across as less condescending and more respectful (guess that’s in the eye of the beholder). Hughes also mentions that he’s a born-again Christian and that most of his views line up with the McPalin ticket. And finally, Hughes says he can “look past the fact that McCain was against my sport.”, which is sort of fascinating.

All that being said, Prayers For Blowouts officially endorses no candidate, and hopes you all go out there and vote for the person you want to vote for, not the person you think someone else wants you to vote for. And if you’re a Christian and you’ve put a lot of energy into endorsing one candidate or the other this year, I hope you give half as much time praying for whoever it is that gets into office. I have a feeling those prayers might do more good for the country than any of the rhetoric and arguing we’ve been doing over the past year.

I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the MAAAP

Each week we’ll bring you the best of NFL Maps and Bible Maps. Who doesn’t love maps?

For those without the Sunday Ticket, here’s what games you’ll be getting on Sunday: CBS, FOX -Early, and FOX-Late.

For those of you interested in a map of the Battleground for Armageddon(???),  here you go.

Caption of the Week

Here’s this week’s photo from Mike Singletary’s head coaching debut. As always, best caption provided in the comments will be highlighted next week.

Upset Specials

Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright. Why? Because America loves an underdog, that’s why.

Last Week’s pick: I chickened out and didn’t pick anyone.
Record for the Year:1-6

This week I am back and feeling refreshed. I was tempted to go wildcat and take the Dolphins in Denver this week, but I absolutely love the Texans catching points in Minnesota. This team could easily be 5-2 instead of 3-4 this year. Schaub has been good enough, Slaton has been a nice surprise, Mario Williams has been the beast Charlie Casserly knew he would be, and Andre Johnson is one of the top 3 WRs in football. Look for a high-scoring affair, and look for the Texans to move to 4-4.

Bible Character Who Should Have been a Football Player

This week’s BCWSHBAFP is Noah. Only, instead of casting him as a football player, I think it’s clear that Noah should be given the keys to the front office of an NFL team. Let’s say for the sake of an example, we put him in charge of the Detroit Lions. Here’s 5 reasons why he would have the Lions winning the Super Bowl in 3 years.

1 - There were probably lions on the ark, so he has experience with the king of the jungle. I know this was a terrible point, but it had to be said, so I figured we’d get it out of the way first.

2 - No project is too big for him. You think rebuilding the Lions would be tough? Try building a wooden boat the size of a the L.A. Coliseum without power tools or Home Depot. Noah makes Bob Vila look like Joey Gladstone.

3 - He’s not afraid to let people go. You think he’s going to let dead weight hang around his organization? I doubt it. This guy had to shut up the doors of his ark knowing all his neighbors were going for a fatal swim. Considering that, I have no doubt he’d fire Dan Orlovsky in 10 minutes without blinking an eye.

4 - He’s not Matt Millen.

5 - Clearly, organization was this guy’s gift. He figured out how to build a big boat, not only without Black and Decker, but with his family as his work force. That right there is more than most men can handle. Not only that, but he had the patience to wait for the water to subside before leaving the floating zoo. While he’s got the drive to make the quick changes he would need to make, he would also have the patience to see his plan come to fruition. He’d have Jon Kitna hoisting the Lombardi Trophy before we elect a president in 2012.

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 7-7
Year to Date: 62-55

Every week I pick games against the spread. This year I’m also going head to head against a PFB Reader every week for fame, glory, and expensive prizes.

This week’s hapless contestant is Luke Gelinas. I grew up with Luke in Massachusetts. When we were in grade school we once walked 3 miles in the early morning to an overnight youth group event without telling our parents to see a girl we thought was hot. When we found out the police had been called to look for us, we knew we were in for it.

After a stint at Yale, Luke is now getting his Masters in theology or doctorate in divinity or something like that. He lives in Toronto, so I should be able to beat him with ease.

As always these spreads may differ from yours.

Here’s Luke’s inept picks (in bold) for Week 9:

STL +3.5 ARI
CLE -1.5 BAL
CHI -12.5 DET
TEN -5.5 GB
MIN -4.5 HOU
CIN +7.5 JAX
BUF -5.5 NYJ
KC +8.5 TB
DEN -3.5 MIA
OAK +3.5 ATL
NYG -8.5 DAL
SEA +6.5 PHI
IND -5.5 NE
WAS -2.5 PIT

Here’s my (more accurate) picks:

If you’d like to go up against the Schnoz, send an email to prayersforblowouts(at)gmail-com. I’ll pick someone at random every week and shoot you an email back to let you know you’ve been chosen.

Final Word

Happy to report that Prayers For Blowouts got a mention over at Stuff Christians Like this morning. It was due partly to the Sports Survey that we ran on Jon Acuff and partly due to the Halloween alternative that my old church used to put on called “HATCH Night”. If you’re curious to know what H.A.T.C.H. stands for (the C is for Carnal), you can read more about it here.

Happy Tooth Rot Day, enjoy Week 9!

-The Schnoz