Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else. As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the dude who tried to pay his bar tab with gum wrappers.

We’re going to mix things up this week on the Schnoz report and rearrange the order of business. Gotta keep things fresh.

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 8-6
Year to Date: 70-61

Last week I picked games against PFB Member #012, Luke Gelinas. Luke put up a valiant effort at 6-8, but it could not stand up to my impressive 8-6 showing. Unfortunately for Luke, he wins nothing. But he does live in Toronto, so at least he has snazzy health care and hockey.

Here’s my picks for Wk 10 (as you can see, I had the right side in last night’s game):

If you’d like to go up against the Schnoz, send an email to prayersforblowouts(at)gmail-com. I’ll pick someone at random every week and shoot you an email back to let you know you’ve been chosen.

Caption of the Week

PFB Reader Luke G. might have lost on the NFL Picks, but he did win the caption contest from last week:

“Yo–Is that a chili cheese dog?”

Upset Specials

Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright. Why? Because America loves an underdog, that’s why.

Last Week’s pick: The Texans to beat Minnesota (FAIL!)
Record for the Year:1-7

While my NFL Picks this year have been fairly good, my Upset Specials have been the definition of FAIL. And yet, like the Detroit Lions, I plow ahead. (although, unlike the Detroit Lions, I will not be hiring Daunte Culpepper to help me out of my rut. Terrible signing by the Lions, if you ask me. Culpepper sucked in MIN after Moss left, and he sucked in Miami.)

This week I’m taking Aaron Rodgers and the Packers to bring some purple destruction to the house of Brad Childress. According to my records, Childress is 0-5 against the Pack as Vikings head coach. Let’s go for the six pack with The Pack.

This has Nothing to Do with Football

Ever wonder how much caffeine is in that Monster Energy drink? How does it compare to the Coke your buddy is drinking? If you like a little (or a lot of) caffeine sprinkled about your day, take a peak at the Huge Caffeine Database. You might be surprised at what you see.

(And by the way, Monster has 10 mg/oz of caffeine and Coke has 2.88 mg/oz.)

Bible Character Who Should Have been a Football Player

This week’s BCWSHBAFP is actually a BCWSHBAFR. The character is Solomon, and he would have made a great referee.

First off, he was the wisest man ever. So 99% of all of his calls are going to be right. Second off, he had 700 wives, so you know he is going to available to do games every weekend. When you’ve got 700 wives at home vying for some attention, things can probably get a bit stressful. Referreeing an NFL game on National TV is like a day at the spa compared to juggling the needs of hundreds women you are betrothed to.

And what about that 1% of the time when he actually blows a call? Well, thanks to his superior wisdom, in most cases he wouldn’t even need to go to a video review system. He would somehow figure out a way to get the call right.

Picture this: Brandon Marshall of the Broncos catches a 30-yard TD pass against the Eagles. But wait, did he have both feet in bounds or not? The ruling on the field was a TD, but Andy Reid has thrown the challenge flag. Ref Solomon has not seen the video yet, but he knows both coaches have. They know if it was a catch or not. He quickly makes an offer to both sidelines: He offers to give the Broncos a first down with the ball on the 10-yard line. The coaches think for a second. Andy Reid says “no way.” Broncos Coach Mike Shanahan thinks it’s a fair offer, and accepts.

But Ref Solomon has tricked them both! Reid’s refusal of the compromise and Shanahan’s willingness to give up the TD must mean the receiver did not have both feet in! Oh Solomon, you did it again!

“After reviewing the play by using my unprecedented wisdom,” Ref Solomon announces, “the call on the field is overturned. The receiver did not have both feet in bounds. Does anyone want a wife?”

First Thing’s Last

the first five thoughts on the league that popped in to my head today:

1. The Cardinals are a LOCK for the playoffs. They’re 5-3 with a 3-game division lead. And the combined record of their remaining opponents is 29-35. Tim Hightower has give their running game a huge spark, and Warner continues to connect with his receivers like he’s living in the past. The question will be, can they stay healthy all season, and can they beat an NFC East team at home in the first round of the playoffs? Warner’s been there before, but will that be enough?

2. If I’m Tennessee, the one team that has me scared more than any other right now is the Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens schedule down the stretch is tough, and there’s no guarantee they’ll even make the post-season. But if they do, they have the defense to keep any game close, and a running game that is starting to figure itself out with the trio of Willis McGahee, Ray Rice, and Le’ron McClain (they’re 4th in the league in rushing yards per game). Joe Flacco has won his last 3 games, including 2 on the road, and has shown great improvement. In his first first 5 games: 1 TD and 7 INTs. In his last 3 games: 4 TDs and 0 INTs. Other than the blowout to Indy, they’ve either won or been close in every game, and should be a team you have your eye on.

3. Pittsburgh’s Defense has been so amazing, I don’t think it matters if the Steelers offense starts Big Ben and Fast Willie, or Leftwich and Mewelde Moore. The PIT D is first in the NFL in Yards per game, 2nd in Points per game, and leads the league in sacks with 32. Their linebackers are equal parts ferocious and smart, wreaking havoc all over the field. All that being said, their Defense has been THE MOST PENALIZED IN THE WHOLE NFL, racking up 535 yards of penalites. Just think of what they can do if they can cut those in half.

4. My NFC Playoff Teams right now: NYG, CAR, ARI, GB, PHI, and WAS. (changed from last week: I’ve got the Eagles in and Cowboys out unless Romo can really right the ship in Big D.)

5. My AFC Playoff Teams right now: TEN, PIT, BUF, SD, BAL, and NE. (changed from last week: I’ve got The Chargers in and the Broncos out based on how bad the Broncos D is and how banged up they are. They should join forces with the Discovery Health Network and create some type of sports/medicine reality show. They could call it “Locker Room Triage”, “Orange Crush”, or “Mike Shanahan’s Face Looks Like It Is Going to Explode Again”.)

Enjoy Week 10 everyone!

-The Schnoz