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The Sunday Newspaper is of no use to me. How can I be expected to take recycling seriously when the paperboy is dropping off the dead carcass of a white birch sapling in my neighbors driveway every Sunday? That’s like asking my kids to turn the water off while they’re brushing their teeth, knowing we used 30,000 gallons of water at work earlier in the day.

The only saving grace of the Sunday paper, in my opinion, is Parade Magazine. Specifically, Walter Scott’s Personality Parade, the 1-page celebrity Q&A column that can be found on the inside cover of Parade. I read it almost every week at my in-laws house before Sunday dinner, if only because it helps me get out of helping to set the table. Much to my delight, last week’s edition included a perfect made-for-PFB nugget:

Q Why does Buffalo linebacker Kawika Mitchell wear his hair hanging out the back of his helmet? Isn’t he worried opponents will grab a handful?—Richard W. Emery, Spring Valley, Calif.

A “As a defensive player, I don’t have people chasing me from behind, so my hair has been grabbed only twice in my career,” Kawika, 29, tells us. “I like long hair because it conveys biblical strength, like Samson’s mane, and makes it easy for fans to identify me on the field.”

Okay, I’ll bite:

1. Why does a man from Southern California care about Kawika Mitchell’s hair? I mean, I can understand silently wondering about it to yourself for a few seconds and then completely forgetting you ever cared when that UPS Whiteboard guy comes on TV (although, he’s got some nice long hair too), but to be curious to the point that you’re writing a letter? Time for a hobby, Richard W. Emery.

2. If you’re going to write a letter about an NFL player with long hair, wouldn’t you ask about Troy Polamalu? Steven Jackson, maybe? How about Al Harris? Marion Barber? Rashean Mathis? Chris Johnson? Should I continue?

3. Once you’ve decided that you just can’t stand not knowing why Kawika Mitchell wears his hair long, and you’ve made up your mind to write a letter, why would you choose to send it to Parade Magazine? Well, actually, now that I think about it, no other person or organization on earth would actually respond to such a query, and Walter Scott’s Personality Parade did. So I guess he did pick a winner there.

4. As far as we know, the only person in the Bible who had strength because of his long hair was Samson. In fact, in the New Testament you can even find a verse saying it’s a shame for men to wear their hair long. So I’m not sure I’d lean so heavily on the Bible as my reason for hating Supercuts. Not to mention that Samson had serious anger problems and an addiction to Phillistine prostitutes. Not really a guy you want to model your life after.

5. On any given play where the Buffalo Bills are on defense, what percentage of fans are ignoring the ball and trying to find Kawika Mitchell? Probably somewhere right around 0%, right?

Bonus question: Does Kawika lose his strength, like Samson, when his hair is cut?

If Chad Pennington can sneak a pair of shears onto the field on Sunday, maybe we’ll find out.