In honor of Christmas, this week’s abbreviated Schnoz Report will have some holiday flavor. Think fruitcake, egg nog, and candy canes in a blender.

The 12 Days of Christmas The Schnoz Report

Day 1 – The Schnoz thinks the Broncos are going to lose to the Chargers in prime-time this week.  There’s just something about this Denver team that screams “we stink!”. Maybe it’s the fact that they stink.

Day 2 – The Cowboys win and they’re into the playoffs, making their game against the Eagles essentially, a playoff game. And when was the last time the Cowboys won a playoff game? That’s right, 1996. What were you doing in 1996? I was in college, failing Heat Transfer for the first, but not last, time.

Day 3 – Speaking of the Cowboys, another playoff season, another year of people using the phrase “control their own destiny”. C’mon people, we all know the only person who can control his own destiny is Tom Cruise. (The Schnoz has also heard unconfirmed rumors that Scott Boras is in talks with God about controlling his own destiny…more on that when news breaks.)

Day 4 - This will be the 4th year in a row for the NFC East where at least 3 of their 4 teams have a winning record. No other conference has had that type on consistency in recent history. Even still, I think the NFC West was the best division in football this year…for me to poop on.

Day 5 – The 49ers players are all growing throwback mustaches to go along with their throwback uniforms for their game against the Redskins this week. In an attempt to honor their own history, the Redskins will try to not suck.

Day 6 -The Schnoz is predicting a Patriots win over Buffalo, a Jets win over Miami, and a Ravens win over the Jaguars. This scenario would give the AFC East to the Pats and the 6th AFC playoff spot to the Ravens, who would face each other 7 days later in Foxboro in the first round of the playoffs.

Day 7 -Drew Brees needs 402 yards of passing on Sunday to break Dan Marino’s record. In a possibly related story, Dan Marino was last seen in in a New Orleans-area Home Depot purchasing a dozen gigantic fans and some power strips.

Day 8 – All Aaron Rodgers wants for Christmas is for you to know that the Packers have scored 29 more points this year than they’ve given up. Probably not the offense’s fault that their record is 5-10.

Day 9 – The Schnoz thinks the Vikings will take care of business and beat a cautious Giants team on Sunday to win the NFC North, giving them the #3 seed and a home playoff game against the Cowboys, Buccaneers, Bears, or Eagles.

Day 10 – The Schnoz isn’t sure why, but he gets real enjoyment from hearing New York Jets fans bemoan how awful Brett Favre and the team have played since that defeat of New England on that Thursday night game. If Mangini and the Jets lose to the Dolphins on Sunday, is Mangini back next year? Is Favre back? Do we really have to deal with that again?

Day 11 – The Schnoz thinks the AFC champion will come out of the AFC North. The level of defense played by the Steelers and Ravens will win you a game or two in January. Don’t be surprised if it’s a Pittsburgh-Carolina Super Bowl on February 1st. Do be surprised if it’s the Cardinals and Dolphins playing for the Lombardi trophy.

Day 12 – The Schnoz has no idea who the last playoff team in the NFC is going to be. Cowboys…Bucs…Bears…Eagles. You have any idea? If so, leave me a comment.

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 7-9

Year to Date: 119-122

Didn’t get a chance to get my pics up this week, but I’ll let you know how bad they were after the fact.

Enjoy Week 17 and your long weekend everyone!

-The Schnoz