Archive for the ‘NFL’ Category
Wednesday, October 31st, 2007
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Over at his blog, Mark Batterson (pastor of the National Community Church in Washington, D.C.) confessed to being a schizophrenic football fan. You can read his explanations why in the post, but basically he’s got emotional ties to the Redskins, Vikings, and Packers.
The Redskins are my adopted team. But I was born in Minneapolis so I loved the Vikings as a little kid. Then we moved to Wisconsin and I became a die hard cheesehead. I cried when the Packers lost which was frequently! I know you aren’t supposed to like three teams. Especially three teams in the same conference. But what can I say? I’m a schizophrenic football fan.
As someone with ties to 2 different teams (the Patriots because I was born and raised in New England, and the Cowboys because my dad has been a die-hard fan for over 30 years), I can relate to the feeling of having conflicting loyalties. Though interestingly enough, when the Cowboys and Patriots squared off a few weeks ago I was definitely rooting for the ‘Boys. I guess I’m more loyal to family than country…or something.
I thought I’d link to Mark’s post because I enjoy hearing leaders (spiritual or otherwise) talk about the teams they follow and the sports they love. Plus, I felt like fooling around in photoshop for a few minutes.
Feel free to put that picture on your new business cards, Mark.
Tags: fan loyalty, Football, Mark Batterson
Posted in NFL, fandom | 4 Comments »
Tuesday, October 30th, 2007
It was one week ago today that Connersvine released their eponymous debut CD on INO Records. The duo, which consists of band mates Chris Wilson and Hunter Smith, have received some decent reviews on their album since its release 7 days ago.
I’ve seen their name pop up online a few times in the past few days. There was this press release (which is a bit old actually) from when INO signed them to a record deal. More recently, CMCentral.com posted an interview with them.
Additionally, friend of Prayers for Blowouts, the uber-talented Andy Osenga (you can download his latest EP for free, and buy his amazing solo album as well), even blogged last week about playing guitar for them for their CD release show in Indianapolis.
If you’re wondering what this has to do with sports, Hunter Smith also happens to be the punter for the Indianapolis Colts.
Now before you make the “no wonder he has time to play music, he punts for THE COLTS” joke, let us remind you that there are jobs in sports that require less work than Indianapolis Colts punter. They include, but are not limited to, the following:
- punter for the New England Patriots
- place kicker for the Miami Dolphins
- person who hands out Good Neighbor Awards for the Cincinnati Bengals
- the Pittsburgh Pirates closer
- Kobe Bryant’s teammates
- snow removal coordinator for the Florida Marlins
- person in charge of recording wins for the St. Louis Rams
If you can think of any others, share them in the comments. And if you’re into acoustic-driven worshipful music, you might want to check out Connersvine.
Tags: Connersvine, Hunter Smith, music
Posted in Christianity, NFL | 10 Comments »
Friday, October 26th, 2007
Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the mom who drove a car full of cheerleaders right beside a moving car to grab a beer from some boys.
First Thing’s First
i was in a geeky numbers mood (it happens often), so i tried to figure out my odds on the future AFC and NFC Champions.
AFC
- Patriots - 55%
- Colts - 20%
- Steelers - 10%
- Chargers - 7%
- Jaguars - 5%
- Titans - 3%
NFC
- Cowboys - 24%
- Giants - 21%
- Packers - 15%
- Buccanneers - 10%
- Redskins - 10%
- Seahawks -10%
- Saints, Bears - 3%
- Lions, Panthers - 2%
as of right now, all other teams don’t have a chance
Angle(s) of the Week
Angle #1 - By now you’ve probably heard this, but no quarterback has ever beaten 31 different teams. (due mostly to the fact that the league only expanded to 32 teams in 2002). This weekend Peyton Manning and Tom Brady have the chance to do that when they try to beat the Panthers and Redskins, respectively. Manning has lost to the Panthers twice, while Brady has only lost once to the Skins. If something crazy would happen and neither team wins, Brett Favre could be the first QB to accomplish the feat with a win against the Chiefs next week.
Angle #2 - There’s two games happening in Week 8 between teams with identical records.
In Minnesota, the Eagles and Vikings will meet, each with identical 2-4 records. The winner of this game emerges with playoffs hope still alive, the loser emerges with a 2-5 record and an unsexy coach.
In San Fransisco, the 2-4 Saints will take on the 2-4 Niners with both teams going in opposite directions. The 49ers have lost 4 in a row and couldn’t even beat a red light the way they have been playing. The Saints have won 2 in a row after losing their first 4 and suddenly have aspirations of winning their crappy division.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
The dumbest thing about all of the “will the 8-day layoff hurt the Rockies?” hype was that there’s no way of knowing. There never was.
We all knew going in that if the Rockies won Game 1, we’d be saying that the layoff didn’t affect them. And predictably, when they lost Game 1 the analysts said that the layoff did play a role. (personally i think it had more to do with the command of Josh Beckett’s fastball and the inability for the Rockies pitchers to throw strikes.)
Next time a team has a big layoff, let’s lay off the speculation about if it will affect them. There’s no sense in arguing about something we’ll never know the answer to. If the team loses, we’ll say it did affect them. If the team wins, we’ll say it didn’t.
Fantasy is the New Reality
Here’s your fantasy news this week: Steven Jackson is back for the Rams, DeShawn Wynn is the starting RB for the Packers, Travis Henry will be a gametime decision on Monday night for the Broncos, Deshaun Foster said he is healthy enough to play against the Colts this week, and Frank Gore expects to play against the Saints this weekend.
In other news, i left an angry rant on my Burnside Fantasy League Message Board this week after getting beat by Tom Brady’s 6 TDs. I was angry because in this same league i was beaten by Carson Palmer’s 6 TDs in Week 2. Against my better judgement, here was most of the rant (with names blacked out to protect the innocent):
[Owner who beat me], i hate you and your brady gloating. i hate brady and his 6 TDs in Week 7. also, i hate Carson Palmer and his 6 TDs in Week 2 against me. I hate getting sucked out on the river by two QBs who threw up whack numbers against vomit defenses. i hate losing in week 2 by 25 points when Palmer scores 60 by himself. i hate losing in Week 7 by 13 points when Brady and his video camera installed on his helmet scores 58 by himself. i hate fantasy football and the flukiness of it’s asinine tomfoolery malaise whippersnapper pedigree madeupwords … whoever plays against me can expect their quarterback to have a career day. in fact, you might want to get a hold of your quarterback and tell him to bet on himself and play the lottery and ask out a hot chick because it will be his lucky day. he could probably even expect to get a check on that day from microsoft and aol on that day for spam emails that he forwarded as a part of some ridiculous email tracking beta test that doesnt even exist that he got tricked into, but just because he’s playing against my team, bill gates will wake up and say, “why not send a $43,800 check to eli manning today?”… not to mention some grocery store clerk named kevin walter playing WR for the texans scores 16 pts against me. how did he get 16 pts? was it for double bagging groceries the fastest? did he clean up a spilled jar of prego on aisle 6? did he boot someone out of the 10 items or less line because they had 12 items? ridiculous. i think i’m done now.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket was invented by Satan, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - no HD for the 12 of you who were looking forward to watching Cleveland @ St. Louis. CBS is only broadcasting 1 game into your living room this week. If you live near IND@CAR, PIT@CIN, OAK@TEN, or CLE@StL you’ll get it at 1pm EST. The 4pm EST games on CBS are HOU@SD, BUF@NYJ, and JAX@TB.
FOX - FOX is double-dipping this week, with much of the country watching the MIA/NYG live from London at 1pm EST. In the late game slot on 90% of TVs will be WAS@NE.
Remember, no Sunday night game this week because of the World Series. Monday night will feature Brett Favre trying to beat someone his own age when he faces Broncos coach Mike Shanahan. (The San Diego game might also get moved to Monday Night, depending on what the NFL decides.)
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage map with your own baby blues, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
this week let’s think about that room you told your wife you’d paint 2 years ago. Still not painted, is it? You could paint it on sunday, maybe. Of course, then you’d need to go out and buy paint, buy some of that tape to cover stuff up, get some new brushes, and then block off a few hours of your day to get the first coat on. First coat, you ask? Oh yes, there will be at least two coats. Maybe 3 if it doesn’t look just right. There’s no way you’re getting that done all in one day. Perhaps another weekend would work out better? Yes, perhaps. Way to think things through, your wife would be proud!
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: TB over DET (LOSS!)
Record for the Year: 4-3
This week I’m picking the Bills to beat the Jets in a game the Jets are slightly favored in. Both of these teams are really bad, but it seems to me that the Bills are a better team. The crazy thing is, if Elam misses that kick in Week 1 and if the Cowboys don’t turn water into wine to win that Monday night game a few weeks ago, the Bills would be 4-2 right now instead of 2-4.
Mascot Wars
The best mascot matchup of the week:
Redskins @ Patriots - Isn’t this just a repeat of what happened back a few hundred years ago? We all know how that one turned out for the native americans who were already living here on the soil. If a Redskins victory here would somehow make amends for what the new settlers did, i might cheer for Washington, but this is merely a football game and i don’t think there are any native americans playing for the Redskins. I’m petitioning the league to cancel this game and instead host a huge thanksgiving dinner feast at the 50-yard line of Gillette Stadium. Strangely, I haven’t heard back from them yet.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
Unlike most of my consipracy theories, this one is actually pretty legit. I’m pretty sure that the real Al Gore has been locked up in Area 51 since the mid-90s and that the Al Gore we’ve seen on TV since then is just a robot.
Ever since Al Gore invented the internet, people wondered which computer would be the central location, or the heart, of the internet. Sure, most of the internet lives on servers scattered throughout the world, but where is the core of it’s being? The answer: in Al Gore’s head.
He was kidnapped and cloned into a half-robot/half-human replica of himself. While the real Al Gore was cable-tied to a folding chair in Area 51 with fifty ethernet cables plugged into his scalp, the fake Al Gore ran for president. While the real Al Gore hasn’t moved a muscle in over 10 years, the fake Al Gore was programmed to research and create “An Inconvenient Truth”. While the real Al Gore grew a huge, bushy beard. The fake Al Gore grew a smaller, controlled beard.
Don’t feel bad for the real Al Gore, though. While he’ll never enjoy the taste of a filet mignon ever again, he has become the heart of the thing he created. He IS the internet. In fact, every time you send an email, it gives him a warm, fuzzy. So go send out some emails and make him happy. And if you see the fake Al Gore, just wink at him and say “I know who you are” under your breath.
Like I said, this theory isn’t much of a stretch, but it’s worth noting.
If Betting were Legal
Last Week: 8-6
Year to Date: 53-50
My picks for Week 8 (your spreads may vary):
OAK(+7.5), IND(-7.5), NYG(-9.5), CHI(-4.5), CLE(-3.5), MIN(+1.5), PIT(-3.5), TB(-3.5), SD(-9.5), BUF(+3.5), WAS(+16.5), SF(+3.5), GB(+3.5)
Final Word
I talked to my brother Josh last night before Game 2 of the World Series. He lives in Boston and was lucky enough to go to Game 6 of the ALCS. Apparently a friend called him up yesterday with a ticket for the game last night but Josh was sleeping. By the time he woke up and called him back, he had found someone else to go with. Ouch. Reason #458 why i hate naps: You can miss out on World Series tickets.
Have a great weekend!
-The Schnoz
Tags: Football, Schnoz Report
Posted in NFL, previews | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007
This story became a story before our little blog here was born, but we knew we eventually wanted to comment on it, and so now we will.
David Fleming wrote a great piece for ESPN The Magazine last month on Detroit Lions QB Jon Kitna. In the piece Fleming mentions that since Kitna signed with the Lions in March of 2006, “about 20 Lions have given their lives to Christ.”
20 is a pretty big number. That’s more than a third of the Lions 53-man roster (unless, of course, that number includes members of the Lions’ practice squad.)
Even Bill Simmons’, ESPN’s Sports Guy, couldn’t resist commenting on it in his October 5th NFL Power Poll piece:
Clearly, SOMETHING is going on with the Lions here, right? Twenty teammates???? Don’t we need more information about this? Did any beat writers convert? What about ball boys and trainers? It’s the single most fascinating story of the 2007 season other than Moss’ comeback and Turner and Cottrell slowly turning Tomlinson into a serial killer.
The article paints a seemingly fair picture of Kitna, saying of him, “His responses to questions about his faith and leadership are mostly tinged with humility, perspective and openness.” in one paragraph and then calling him “…a fanatic for Christ, [who] often prays on his way to the line of scrimmage…” in the next.
You really get the sense from the piece that Kitna’s consistency as a man has earned him the respect of his teammates, which is exciting to hear. From the way he mediated a locker room dispute over music last year to his availability as a listening ear for other teammates, he has established himself as a true leader on the team he promised would win 10 games this year. (they are 4-2 so far this year). It’s a fascinating read, I encourage you to check it out if you didn’t read it last month.
———
One specific quote in the Kitna article that really piqued my interest was this:
“People feel football is too trivial for God to care about, especially with so many bad things happening in the world,” says Tim Pitcher, a spokesman for Athletes in Action, which uses sports to push Christianity. “For a lot of people, the worlds shouldn’t mix.”
It’s a topic I’ll be tackling in the book I’m working on, the idea that sports aren’t important enough for God to ever affect them. Here’s a sampling of my thoughts on this issue, (keep in mind that this is coming from a rough draft, so be gentle)
Additionally, who’s to say that God cannot save the life of a starving child in Africa at the same moment that he is filling a financial need for a widow in London and clearing the head of a football quarterback in Michigan? When we start prioritizing the needs throughout the world based on importance, what we are saying is that God is not capable of handling them all at once. So is He, or is He not capable of changing every situation in the world at the same time if He wanted to? I believe He is, which suddenly makes the issue a matter of “where does God choose to meet a need?” and not “Where is the need the greatest?”
If you have any comments on the Kitna article or on my thoughts, I’d love to hear them.
Tags: Football, Jon Kitna
Posted in Christianity, NFL | 1 Comment »
Friday, October 19th, 2007
The Kansas City Star is reporting that FOX has booked Kansas City Chiefs coach Herm Edwards to be on their show, “The Best Damn Sports Show Period.” Why is this news? Because up until now, Edwards has refused to go on the show because of a certain word that the show uses in its title.
Edwards said, “this show is not the ‘best’ sports show on tv”, when asked why he refused to appear, “so for me to appear on the show for ten minutes would be akin to me lying for 10 straight minutes. And I don’t lie!”
No, we joke. (I made that last paragraph up…and don’t worry, Herm doesn’t have the internet anyway.)
Obviously the word that Edwards had a problem with was ‘damn’, and the only reason he is going to appear on the show on October 30th is because FOX has agreed to change the name of the show to “The Best Darn Sports Show Period” for one day only.
“We were willing to do anything to get Herm on the show, including renaming it,” said the show’s host, Chris Rose. “Herm is such a good interview and we’ve been wanting to get him on so long. We can’t wait.”
As an interesting aside, I sort of predicted something like this in a piece I wrote for Burnside earlier this year. That story, Survey Says, featured the following phony survey Q&A:
I asked 100 Christian sports fans the following question, “When talking about the FOX Sports TV Show, The Best Damn Sports Show Period, what do you refer to the show as?”
71% said they had never heard of such a show.
19% said that they referred to the show as ‘The Best Darn Sports Show Period’, because as one respondent put it “you avoid the cuss yet it still rolls off the tongue like Goliath’s head down Mt. Sinai.”
8% of everyone asked told me I should wash my mouth out with soap.
2% said they used the actual name, “The Best Damn Sports Show Period”, although most of these folks admit to lowering their voice somewhere between the words ‘best’ and ‘sports’.
While many sports sites are asking “Would your change your show’s name to have Herm Edward’s on?”, I’m wondering the opposite. So i pose this question:
Would you as a Christian (if you are one), go on the show with it’s current name? (and if not, would their temporary name change convince you to do it?)
Also, if you’re not a Christian, what do you think of Herm’s stance on this? Noble, ridiculous, or somewhere in between?
I’m not looking for moral absolutes here, just your own infallible opinions 
(h/t: AwfulAnnouncing.com)
Tags: Best Darn Sports Show, cussing, Herm Edwards
Posted in NFL, morality | No Comments »
Friday, October 19th, 2007
Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the latest disturbing thing to come out of new york city: naked chocolate Jesus.
First Thing’s First
What we learned last week:
1. The Patriots could conceivably clinch the AFC East in 4 weeks on November 18th. If they are still undefeated (which is a big “if” with Indy on the schedule) they will be 10-0 with 6 games left. The Jets or Bills would need to be 4-6 at that point to be mathematically alive for the division crown. The Jets would need to win 3 of their next 4 (@CIN, BUF, WAS, PIT) or the Bills would need to win 3 of their next 5 (BAL, @NYJ, CIN, @MIA, NE). Even if they lose at Indy, the Patriots look like they will clinch the division before December starts. Can they keep the intensity up during the last few games of the year? We shall see.
2. Speaking of the Pats, they were who we thought they were (and so were the Cowboys). Dallas played well, and can take a lot from the fact that they hung with the Patriots for 3 quarters. Not sure if the Patriots will cover the 17 points they are favored by in Miami this week (just because everyone is so sure they will), but they should arrive in Indy on November 4th undefeated if they can beat Buffalo and Washington (more on the Redskins in a second).
3. Tampa Bay continues to play great defense and win games. At 4-2, they are tied with Carolina at the top of the NFC South, and are looking more and more like a playoff team each week. Consider this: Tampa Bay has 5 road games left on their schedule, against opponents who are currently a combined 10-17. At this point it’s hard to see them finishing below 10-6, and in a wide open NFC, Jeff Garcia and their defense could propel them far in the playoffs. Imagine if they had drafted Adrian Peterson with the 4th pick in the last draft? (They’re getting 30:1 odds on winning the super bowl right now in Vegas, in case you were wondering.)
4. I keep waiting for the wheels to come off in Baltimore and it keeps not happening. Their games are maddening to watch, they can’t sustain a drive to save their lives, and yet they find ways to win. With San Diego, Kansas City, and Jacksonville all playing well lately, those two wild cards in the AFC are going to be tough to earn. My Top 5 in the AFC right now: NE, IND, PIT, JAX, SD.
5. Other than Pittsburgh (9.4 ppg) and Jacksonville (11.6 ppg), guess which team is giving up the fewest points per game in the league this year? They lead the NFC in fewest points allowed per game this year and they’ve only given up 2 passing touchdowns all year. Answer: the Washington Redskins, who fumbled away a win and a potential 4-1 record last week in Green Bay. If i had to rank the top 5 NFC Teams right now, it would look like this: DAL, TB, NYG, GB, WAS. (Who gets that playoff spot from the NFC West? Seattle, who can’t even beat the Saints at home? Arizona? San Fran?)
Angle(s) of the Week
In the AFC, the Big 3 all need to try and win on the road.
New England has the easiest test by far, even though they historically struggle in Miami.
Denver has lost 2 in a row at home, and could easily be 0-5 right now. Maybe they’ll make a stand for their season against Pittsburgh at home?
Indianapolis at Jacksonville is the game of the week. A Great D versus Peyton and company. Look for this game to turn on Special Teams. (which is another way of saying i have no idea what will happen.)
This has Nothing to Do with Football
All day on Thursday I told folks that Beckett was going to have to be brilliant if the Red Sox wanted to win. I had no idea that he actually would be. Without him, the Sox would have been trailing 5-2 in the middle innings instead of being up 2-1. His domination kept the Sox in the game until they were finally able to break through and add insurance runs.
With the series relocating to Boston, the Indians still have a great chance to advance. Last night aside, the Indians lineup looks much more daunting top to bottom than the Red Sox right now. The Red Sox are like a bad NL lineup, with Crisp and Lugo sucking the life out of any rally like a pair of black holes. There’s HUGE pressure on Francona to start Ellsbury in CF over Crisp on saturday night, and I think he has to. Crisp’s body language last night when he failed to get a bunt down and then struck out told the story.
Fantasy is the New Reality
My Fantasy teams are so bad right now that they have revoked my license to hand out advice.
Instead, let me give you some thought on naming your fantasy team, which you can use if you’re getting involved in fantasy basketball this month.
(this is from the book I’m working on right now, so it’s my sneaky way of trying to whet your appetite for it. ain’t i clever?)
- DO feel free to use alliterations whenever possible. Not only do they look good, but also they make for great nicknames. For example, “The Amish Are Angry” is a great name because it is visually appealing and you have the option of referring to your team as ‘The Triple-A’ if you like. (Plus, major bonus points any time you can incorporate the Amish into your name.)
- DON’T use your team name to make derogatory references to your spouse or pastor. “Nagging Wife For Sale” or “Shut Up, Pastor Jim” will only get you into trouble in the long run.
- DO use your team name to make childish references to bodily functions and noises. You’ll get your opponents chuckling, which will distract them from the fact that you are about to pummel them. You can’t go wrong with names like “Fart Like You Mean It”, “Will Belch for Touchdowns”, or “The Ferret Broke Wind”.
- DON’T use the name of your favorite professional team in your fantasy team’s moniker. Names like “Steelers Power”, “Mets Rule”, and “Giants4Life” make you sound like a 14-yr-old girl fawning over her pimple-faced boyfriend.
- DO feel free to incorporate pop culture references whenever you can. Incorporating characters or dialogue from recent television shows or movies is a great way to get a laugh and show you’re still on the ball. Personally, I don’t think you can ever go wrong with a Seinfeld reference. In the past few years I’ve gone that route more than once fielding teams names like “The Marine Biologists”, “I Was in the Pool!”, and “The Pretend Architects”.
- DON’T try to convert people to Christianity with your team name. While I’d never say that God is incapable of using a fantasy team name to change someone’s heart, I’m pretty sure that there are better ways God can use you to get a hold of someone’s life. If you’re thinking of naming your team “No Christ, No Heaven” or “Only Goalies and Jesus Save”, please reconsider.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket is what you use to get an ice cream at Friendly’s, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - CBS is only broadcasting 1 game this week. If you live near NE@MIA, TEN@HOU, or BAL@BUF you’ll be seeing it in the early slot. KC@OAK and NYJ@CIN will be shown at 4pm EST.
FOX - FOX has the doubleheader this week. Most folks will get SF@NYG in the early spot and MIN@DAL late. Also of note, as of right now the ATL@NO game will not be in HD.
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage map with your own corneas, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
This week it’s time to think about those things that should be dealt with a few times a year. Should you change the batteries in your smoke detector? Should you clean out the filter on your HVAC unit? Should you flip your mattress over? Should you check the chimney? Should you stock up on ice melt? Should you refill the chip bowl and get back on the couch?
Answers: No, No, No, No, No, and Yes.
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: WAS over GB (LOSS! thanks to a stupid late turnover by washington)
Record for the Year: 4-2
This week I’m picking Tampa Bay to beat the Lions in Detroit. If you’ve read this far you know that i like how their defense is playing, and Jeff Garcia is doing what he knows how to do: win games.
Mascot Wars
The best mascot matchup of the week:
Titans @ Texans - Everything is bigger in Texas huh? Well your biggest warriors are still not as big as titans. According to Wikipedia, Titans are huge beasts of men capable of eating chainsaws and popping beehives in their mouths like mentos. (well, not really, but i could go add that to the Wiki page right now if it made you feel better). If the Titans were driving around Texas, i might not pick them to win. Driving around Texas can get really boring. But since they are playing football, I like the beehive eaters to defeat the texas residents, 21-10.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
I’m sick and tired of bands announcing to the world that “we feel like this is the best record we’ve ever made”.
Just once I want to hear a band come out and say “You know, we’re actually disappointed in how this thing came out. It’s nowhere near our best stuff. We still hope you buy it, but don’t expect it to be better than the last album. That last album was great.”
Every album that every band puts out is apparently their “best record yet”. I realize why this happens, but it’s getting old and tired.
Or maybe I’m just getting old and tired. Let’s move on.
If Betting were Legal
Last Week: 8-5
Year to Date: 45-44
My picks for Week 7 (your spreads may vary):
ATL(+7.5), BUF(+3.5), TB(+2.5), WAS(-7.5), HOU(+2.5), NYG(-8.5), MIA(+16.5), KC(+3.5), CIN(-6.5), STL(+8.5), MIN(+9.5), CHI(+5.5), PIT(-3.5), and IND(-3.5)
Final Word
4 things:
1. If it’s been a while since you’ve changed the batteries in your smoke detector, you should probably get on that.
2. ALCS Prediction - Cleveland beats Boston. I just have a bad feeling about this. I think both of these games could be 7-4, 8-6 type games and i think the Red Sox might end up on the wrong side of the score because of their shaky middle relief. Man, i hope I’m wrong.
3. My hot water heater stopped working on wednesday. We had it fixed wednesday night and it stopped working again last night. Talk about something you take for granted until it’s gone. This morning’s cleaning was painful. May the fix be easy, cheap, and completed by dinner time.
4. Ever since my birthday a few weeks ago, my 4-yr old son Parker is obsessed with my age. It’s pretty cute. Every time he sees a player with the #31 on his back , he reminds me that I’m 31 years old. Yesterday I came home and he handed me a card he made for me (with my wife’s help) that said “I love you Daddy. You used to be 30. Now you’re 31. Love Parker”. I’ll keep that one for a long time.
Have a great weekend!
-The Schnoz
Tags: Football, Schnoz Report
Posted in NFL, previews | 2 Comments »
Monday, October 15th, 2007
According to Michael Silver of Yahoo! Sports, Kurt Warner has torn ligaments in his non-throwing elbow. Silver also said that Warner informed friends and family of the injury via email, reporting that:
Warner, scheduled for an MRI Monday, wrote in the email he believed that through the power of prayer he would be miraculously healed before undergoing the exam.
Michael Florio, editor of the always informative ProFootballTalk.com, seemed awfully perturbed at Warner’s request, saying in his Rumor Mill post this morning:
Frankly, I’ve got no remaining patience for these athletes who think that their God-given talents automatically qualify them for miracles that the rest of us don’t get. God’s will is just that, and His will isn’t going to be changed simply because Brenda Warner says “pretty please.”
The most common prayer in Christianity is the ultimate proof of this. It’s “thy will be done,” not “my will be done.” And the use of prayer as a vehicle for asking God to do anything other than provide us with the bare necessities of life and the strength to adapt to the changes in our lives that His will brings about is, in my own personal opinion and not the opinion of Football Talk, LLC or its sponsors, a direct contradiction of the way that we were taught to pray by the guy that God sent to teach us stuff like that.
I’m not saying that it’s useless to try to persuade God to exercise His will in a manner that meets our own perceived needs and wishes. But should a football player who has already seen more than his own fair share of blessings be asking for God to heal an injury that presents no threat to his life?
A few thoughts on Florio’s beef.
1. When did Kurt Warner say that he was qualified for “for miracles that the rest of us don’t get”? Answer: he didn’t (unless he did and I missed it). I bet Kurt Warner would tell Florio that prayer would be just as effective for him as well.
2. Florio argues that prayers “for asking God to do anything other than provide us with the bare necessities of life and the strength to adapt to the changes in our lives that His will brings about” is a direct contradiction of how Jesus taught us to pray. It’s an interesting point, though i know that elsewhere in the Bible it says “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (Philippians 4:6). I think bodily injuries would fall under the umbrella of “everything”, but again, this is just my take on it.
3. Florio says “[God's] will isn’t going to be changed simply because Brenda Warner says ‘pretty please’.” Again, not to get all biblical on you, but James 5:16 says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” I’m guessing that Kurt is going to go with the Bible’s advice over Florio’s on this one.
4. Florio also asks, “But should a football player who has already seen more than his own fair share of blessings be asking for God to heal an injury that presents no threat to his life?” Answer: Why not? Is there some sort of limit on blessings I’m not aware of? Is Kurt hogging all the blessings that God doles out? Does God have a quota? What exactly is a “fair share” of blessings? And since when is “life-threatening injury” the line where it’s okay for a blessed athlete to ask for prayer?
My Take:
I appreciate Florio’s passion and honesty about the subject, but I think he jumped a little offsides on this one. Nothing Warner apparently said in his email struck me as arrogant, pious, or overly wacky (though admittedly I haven’t seen the whole thing). Seems like he’s a guy with a lot of faith and a strong belief in prayer reaching out to those around him for support. Would you or I send out an email like that? Maybe. Maybe not. But I don’t think it was wrong of him to do. (Though again, I give kudos to Florio for being honest and for airing his issues with the email.)
Speaking of which, this was an email sent to friends and family, not to the press. If Kurt would have used his post-game press conference to solicit prayer from fans across the country, I would have had an issue with that. But asking those you love to pray for you and showing faith that it will help your situation? I don’t think that’s anything to throw a penalty flag for. Your thoughts?
Of course, we’ll keep tabs on the MRI and see if the prayers actually changed the situation.
(h/t: Profootballtalk.com, Yahoo! Sports)
Tags: healing, Kurt Warner, prayer
Posted in Christianity, NFL | 7 Comments »
Friday, October 12th, 2007
Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the guy who tried to beat a drug test by asking a random boy to pee.
First Thing’s First
What we learned last week:
1. The AFC West might be worse than we thought. Your current division leader? Oakland at 2-2. KC, SD, and Den are all 2-3. At this point, who is the frontrunner to win the division? San Diego based on what they’ve done in the past? Oakland or KC because of their Defenses? Denver by default? If your life was on the line and you had to pick the division winner right now, who would you go with? I think I’d take San Diego, and I’d vomit every time I realized my life was in Norv Turner’s hands.
2. On the Flip Side, the AFC South is beastly. The division’s last place team, the Texans, would be leading the AFC West with their 3-2 record. As hard as it is to happen, it seems like both wild cards could come out of this division this year. Who’s going to have a better record than TEN and JAX for those two spots? Baltimore? Denver? Oakland? I can’t see that happening.
3. The NFC continues to be a sea of mediocrity. Other than Dallas, which teams scare you as an opponent? Answer: none. The teams playing the best right now are probably the Giants, Redskins, and Packers, but these teams all have huge flaws. Even if they lose to New England this weekend, the Cowboys’ path to the Super Bowl looks pretty good right now. Anything less than a trip to the NFC Championship will be a huge disappointment for Wade Phillips.
4. The worst team in the world? a toss-up between Miami, St. Louis, and New Orleans. With all 3 teams on the road this week, the troika could be a collective 0-18 come Monday.
5. The last-second time-out as the field goal is about to be kicked reared its ugly head again on Monday night. Third time that’s happened this year in the NFL. The thing that amazes me, is that in all 3 cases the kicker made his first attempt. That’s why there is so much outrage to change the rule. Imagine if all 3 kickers missed their first attempt, and because of the timeout where given a second chance? We’d all be calling the coaches idiots for doing this and no one would want a rule change. That’s why i think the rule won’t change, because eventually a coach is gonna get burned doing this.
Angle(s) of the Week
It’s all about the Dallas-New England game this week, and rightly so. Funny that the Colts are off this week. I bet they’ll all be glued to their sets to catch this one.
The key to this game is going to be how Romo throws the ball downfield. I don’t think any team can trade punches with the Patriots. They’ll take your shots and hit you back even harder, eventually wearing you down. If the Cowboys can score on big plays that force the Patriot’s defense to respect the home run, then Romo has a chance to use Witten and Barber to move the ball. It’s a huge test for Romo coming off that 5 INT performance.
With much of the attention on T.O. and Moss, I think Dallas will try to hit Crayton and Hurd with downfield bombs when they are in single coverage.
As for New England, I think they’ll score their 28-31 points like they always do. If they can force Romo into 2 or 3 turnovers, and they can keep Dallas from scoring on big plays, they’ll be able to come out on top.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
Not to go all Peter King on you, but I’m in a Panera Bread in Seekonk, Masachusetts and the guy next to me is yelling into his cellphone. yelling.
“TELL MARIO TO GET THAT CONNECTICUT JOB STAHTED BY THURSDAY”
“HEY KEVIN, I GOT CONFIRMATION FROM MARIO. HE’S WORKING WEDNESDAY, SO CALL HIM AFTAH 10:30. HE’S GOT SOME IDEARS ABOUT THAT PAHKING LOT JOB.”
“HEY JIM, DID YOU ORDAH THE RIGHT DOOR FOR THOSE PANELS OR DID YOU MAKE AN ERRAH?”
It’s good to be back home in Massachusetts. I love the accent. But like i tell my son all the time, let’s use our “inside voice” when we are inside. thank you.
Fantasy is the New Reality
I’m happy to report that Nick Folk’s 53-yard field goal as time expired on Monday Night gave me a 1-point victory in Fantasy, my first since Week 1. Still got beat in my other 3 leagues though. I suck.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket has to do with the pastor who gets busted for speeding on his way to the pulpit, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - CBS has the doubleheader this week. There’s 4 early games, with only Miami @ Cleveland happening without HD cameras. I think the coaches for each team requested the standard definition cameras in hopes that people wouldn’t notice how bad they both suck. The late game the entire country will be watching is Dallas and New England. (except for California and half of Nevada, who are stuck watching SD and OAK).
FOX - FOX has 1 game this week. It will be an early game for you unless you get Carolina @ Arizona, which is in the late game slot. But even if you follow those teams, you’ll still probably watch the New England game anyway.
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage map with your own soul windows, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
This week it’s the gutters. There are leaves in them. But the thing is, there will be more leaves in them after this week. Why not just wait for all the leaves to fall?
Personally, I’ve never cleaned a gutter in my life because we have hardly any trees in our development (it’s relatively new). The thought of getting on a ladder to do that makes me tired just thinking about it.
So get out your ladder, take a peek in your gutters, confirm that there are leaves. Then peek at the trees, confirm that there are more leaves to fall, and go sit back down on the couch.
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: CAR over NO (WIN!)
Record for the Year: 4-1
I like Washington to go into Green Bay this week and beat the favored Packers. Brett Favre will set the all time interception record, Green Bay won’t be able to run the ball, and Jason Campbell will continue his rise to being one of the best QBs in the NFC.
Mascot Wars
This week it’s an MLB edition
Rockies & Diamondbacks - It’s the classic battle of nature. Snakes vs. Mountains. Snakes are crafty, mountains don’t move. Snakes can slither, mountains don’t move. Snakes can shed skin and bite people and constrict on people and can rattle, mountains don’t move. But Blues Traveller never sang a song about snakes, did they? In the words of John Popper, “the mountains win again.” Rockies in 5 games.
Red Sox & Indians - If native americans had socks back hundreds of years ago, perhaps they would have done better in the winters and would have had stronger tribes. Then when the English came over to settle the land, the Indians would have destroyed them in their red socks and none of us would be here today. That would suck. I mean, it was awful what we did to the natives, but I like existing. Red Sox in 6 games.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
Some people believe the two pictures to the left are the same person.
These people also believe that aliens are real and that eating snow actually burns calories because of the energy it takes to melt it, so you shouldn’t eat snow if you are stranded and thirsty in alaska.
Do not trust these people.
If Betting were Legal
Last Week: 5-9
Year to Date: 37-39
My picks for Week 6 (your spreads may vary):
MIN(+6.5), TEN(+2.5), CLE(-4.5), StL(+9.5), JAX(-6.5), WAS(+3.5), PHI(-3.5), KC(+3.5), ARI(-4.5), OAK(+10.5), NE(-5.5), SEA(-6.5), NYG(-3.5)
Final Word
One more travel note. I hate Connecticut. It is the WORSE state to travel in. ever. I-95, a major interstate that runs from Maine to Florida, goes down to 2 lanes in Connecticut! 2 lanes! what genius came up with that idea? Not to mention that theres thousands of acres of woods surrounding the highway. You could make the road 25 lanes and it wouldn’t even dent the forestry. This is why I won’t vote for Chris Dodd, because i hold him personally responsible for the cumulative hours of traffic i have sat in in his blasted state.
what’s your most hated travel locale? flying out of a certain airport? a certain road near where you live? I’m curious if I’m the only one who despises stretch of road so passionately.
we’re driving back home on Sunday. Pray for us.
-The Schnoz
Tags: NFL, Schnoz Report
Posted in NFL | No Comments »
Friday, October 5th, 2007
Note: The Schnoz Report is a column i write each week for the Burnside Writers’ Blog. From Week 5 on, I’ll be posting them here as well. Here were the first four editions: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the Mr. Potato Head doll that was strung out on Ecstasy.
First Thing’s First
What we learned last week:
(-1.) First let me tell you what we didn’t learn last week. The Patriots are way better than your favorite team. But we already knew that, so it doesn’t count.
1. The Tampa Bay Bucs might not be as good as their 3-1 record. But wait, you say, they won AT carolina. Yeah but Carolina stinks (They’ve only beaten the Rams and the Falcons, two of the worst teams in the league). And look who the Bucs have beaten. The Saints, Rams, and Panthers. Hardly quality wins. I cant believe that one of these teams: the Bucs, Saints, Panthers, and Falcons, will be in the playoffs this year. Mediocre is a compliment to any team in the NFC South. That being said, the Bucs have a chance to knock off the banged-up Colts this weekend. The NFL is crazy like that.
2. Speaking of overrated teams, the Chargers are not very good. They’re just not. Coaching matters. And while we’re here, the Saints, Eagles, and Bears, all supposed NFC Contenders this year, might miss the playoffs. Packers and Cowboys in the NFC Championship game this year? Yeah, most likely.
3.In fact, while everyone is buzzing about the Patriots possibly going 16-0, don’t sleep on the cowboys. Next week the Pats and Cowboys play each other, and while the Pats will be favored, the Cowboys should keep it close. If they can somehow beat the Pats (and assuming they beat the Bills this week), look at the 10 games left on their schedule: home for MIN, WAS, NYJ, GB, and PHI … on the road against PHI, NYG, DET, CAR, and WAS. I’m not saying that’s a walk in the park, but in how many of those games will the Cowboys NOT be favored? The cowboys going undefeated? I’m not saying, I’m just saying.
4. There’s only 4 teams this year who have not given up more than 20 points in a game. can you guess 3 of the 4? I’ll tell you the answers in a second.
5. Look out for those Chiefs, they might sneak into the playoffs. They’re 2-2 with 7 home games left at Arrowhead. Their defense is playing well. They have winnable road games on their schedule against Oakland, Detroit, and the Jets. If they win 5 of 7 at home and 2 of those 3 road games, they could sneak into the playoffs, and even contend for their division, at 9-7.
Bonus: The 4 teams who have yet to give up 21 or more points: Tampa Bay, Jacksonville, New England, and Kansas City.
Angle(s) of the Week
There’s a few teams playing for their season on Sunday, even though we’re only in Week 5.
If the Bears lose to Green Bay in Lambeau on Sunday night, they will be 1-4 and 4 games behind the Packers. While the rest of their schedule isn’t very frightening, their QB situation is (not to mention their banged up defense as well).
If the Chargers lose to the Broncos in Denver, they’ll be 1-4 and in a whole heap of trouble. The division is still wide open, so to say they’d be done would be exaggerating things. But 1-4 sucks. Especially when you were 14-2 last year. Mar-ty, Mar-ty, Mar-ty…
A loss to the Panthers will put the Saints at 0-4. Isnt it weird how this season for the Saints is EXACTLY the opposite of last year. Last year we thought they would suck wind, and they were amazing. This year, we thought they would be amazing, and they suck wind. It’s like those warp zones in Super Mario Brothers that took you to level 8 from level 5-2, only completely different.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
An open letter to anyone who uses a public bathroom,
If you find yourself in a stall taking care of business and there’s someone in the adjacent stall also taking care of business, let’s make sure we don’t see each other afterwards. Is that too much to ask?
Once you hear me starting to wrap things up (the whirring of the TP roll, the flush, the zip and buckle) you need to hang out for a minute so that i can go wash my hands and get out of there.
Once I’m all clear, then you can make your exit. I promise if you start the wrap-up first, I’ll do the same for you.
There’s nothing worse than starting to wrap things up and then hearing the guy in the next stall doing the same thing. What is he trying to do, go for a simultaneous exit? Does he want a high-five at the sink? I don’t want to have to make eye contact with the person responsible for the sounds i was just hearing.
In the public bathroom, anonymity is king. So please, let’s take turns making our getaways and avoid all possible interactions.
Thanks,
The Schnoz
Fantasy is the New Reality
Every week I give you 3 fantasy players that I think will outperform their peers (using my ESPN League’s scoring system). This week we’re taking a break from that so that i can make an announcement.
After going 4-0 in my 4 fantasy leagues in Week 1, I have lost every single game. I am 1-3 in each league, for a total record of 4-12. At least I’m consistent.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket is something you get at the movies on the weekend, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - The Big Eye has a doubleheader this week. The early games are scattered all over the country, with only the JAX@KC game being televised without HD. 90% of the country will see SD@DEN in the late game slot.
FOX - Your lone FOX game will probably be an early start. The only folks getting a late game on FOX (TB@IND) are folks in florida, indiana, new england, and new mexico. New Mexico? how do they decide these things?
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage map with your own soul windows, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
This weekend my wife is out of town, so I don’t even have to pretend that I’m thinking about doing housework. I’ll be too busy chasing my kids around. If you’re wife isn’t out of town, you’re on your own coming up with a chore to ignore. Feel free to post in the comments if you have any good ones.
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: OAK over MIA (WIN!)
Record for the Year: 3-1
This week I’m taking the Panthers to beat the Saints, despite New Orleans being favored by a field goal. Why are the Saints favored in this game? Are they due because they havent won yet? What if they really are that bad?
Pop Quiz hotshot: Who’s the only team in the NFL without a sack this year? Answer: the Saints. Give me David Carr and the Panthers to pull off the upset.
Mascot Wars
Let’s break down some of the great match ups between mascots this week:
Dallas Cowboys @ Buffalo Bills - What exactly is a Bill? is it a buffalo? Why do the Bills have a buffalo on their helmet, is it for the city or for the mascot? Could they call themselves the Buffalo buffaloes? My head is spinning. Oh and wasn’t Buffalo Bill a person too? wasn’t he a cowboy actually? This game will end in a draw, it will be a shootout, and there will be no winners.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
This week’s conspiracy theory of the week is the “all you can eat”” special.
How foolish is this concept? Pay one price, eat as much as you like.
The very idea itself automatically makes you want to stuff your face. People who opt for the all you can eat special have on thing in mind: getting there money’s worth. After all, the more you eat, the better your value.
So now we have 340-pound teenagers waddling out of Ponderosa saying, “Hey Bill, do you realize I ate so many chicken legs that they only cost me a penny each?” Unfortunately, the next time that guy sees a penny (or a chicken leg) on the ground, he won’t be able to bend over and pick it up.
If I was king of the world I would immediately outlaw the “all you can eat” special. My motto would be “A portion for every meal”. In fact, I would make the phrase “All you can eat” a cuss word. It would be the equivalent of saying “Screw You!” to someone (or it’s R-rated equivalent).
Someone would cut you off in traffic and you’d scream out the window at them, “Hey buddy, All You Can Eat!” He’d yell back “Bottomless Fries, you Jerk!”.
That’s the kind of world I want to live in.
If Betting were Legal
Last Week: 11-3
Year to Date: 32-30
Last week i kicked tuckus and took names. 11-3 against the spread was good enough to win the week in my 35-person picks league that I’m in. Feels good to know that i can still pull crap like that out of thin air when i need to. Two solid weeks in a row? I doubt it. Here’s my picks…
My picks for Week 5 (your spreads may vary):
KC(+2.5), DET(+3.5), NE(-16.5), CAR(+2.5), NYJ(+3.5), ARI(-3.5), SEA(+6.5), ATL(+8.5), MIA(+5.5), TB(+10.5), SF(+3.5), DEN(-2.5), GB(-3.5), DAL(-10.5)
Final Word
I love the Boston Red Sox. I was born in raised in Massachusetts, and i have lived through some (though not all) of the disappointments of years past. 2004 was an amazing experience. So amazing, in fact, that i am hoping the Phillies, Cubs, or Indians win the World Series if my Sox don’t. Such a great feeling to watch your team win it all.
Do i want to see the Red Sox go through the yankees to get to the world series (assuming we beat the angels)? Not necessarily. I’m ok with going through whoever is in our way. Those yankee games take years off my life.
If I’m a bit distracted over the next week or two, you can blame it on the playoff baseball. I love it like I love italian sausage and birthday presents.
Go Sox.
-The Schnoz
Tags: NFL, Schnoz Report
Posted in NFL | No Comments »
