Wednesday, August 27th, 2008
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This is Part 3 of a 5-part series, The Christian’s Guide to Fantasy Football.
Here’s Part I and Part II.
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Part III - The Art of Naming
Once you’ve got a fantasy league picked out, the next thing you should do is name your fantasy team. Few things are more important to the success of your fake franchise than the label you slap on it before the season.
Naming your fantasy team is more of an art than a science. There are no clear-cut rules for what constitutes a good or a bad fantasy team name, but there are some general guidelines you can follow to ensure that you don’t have the worst team name in your league. I’ve listed a few below:
- DO feel free to use alliterations whenever possible. Not only do they look good, but also they make for great nicknames. For example, “The Amish Are Apoplectic” is a great name because it is visually appealing and you have the option of referring to your team as ‘The Triple-A’ if you like. (Plus, major bonus points any time you can incorporate the Amish into your name.)
- DON’T use your team name to make derogatory references to your spouse or pastor. “Nagging Wife For Sale” or “Shut Up, Pastor Matt” will only get you into trouble in the long run.
- DO use your team name to make childish references to bodily functions and noises. You’ll get your opponents chuckling, which will distract them from the fact that you are about to pummel them into Bolivian. You can’t go wrong with names like “Fart Like You Mean It”, “Will Belch for Field Goals”, or “The Landlord Broke Wind”.
- DON’T use the name of your favorite professional team in your fantasy team’s moniker. Names like “Patriots Power”, “Raiders Rule”, and “Giants4Life” make you sound like a 13-yr-old girl texting her pimple-faced boyfriend.
- DO feel free to incorporate pop culture references whenever you can. Incorporating characters or dialogue from recent television shows or movies is a great way to get a laugh and show you’re still on the ball. Personally, I don’t think you can ever go wrong with a Seinfeld reference. In the past few years I’ve gone that route more than once fielding teams named “The Marine Biologists”, “I Was in the Pool!”, and “The Pretend Architects”.
- DON’T try to convert people to Christianity with your team name. While I’d never say that God is incapable of using a fantasy team name to change someone’s heart, I’m pretty sure that there are better ways God can use you to get a hold of someone’s life. If you’re thinking of naming your team “No Christ, No Heaven” or “Only Papelbon and Jesus Save”, please reconsider.
If creativity has never been your strong point, you’re in luck. I’ve got so much creativity in me, my right brain had to start renting out space in my left brain because it ran out of room. I’ve got so much creative juice in me, people collect my sweat and sell it to artist communities as energy drinks. I’m so creative, I make your metrosexual worship pastor look like the church accountant. I’m so stinking creative…ok, that’s enough of that joke.
I might not be the creative force that I think I am, but i did manage to come up with 77 names you can feel free to use for your fantasy football team if you can’t think of your own.:
The Goal-Line Ushers
The Deacons of Demolition
No Soup For Esau
Give Me Back My Rib
The Manna Eaters
The Naked Fig Leaves
Bathroom of Noah’s Ark
The Purpose Driven Warriors
Daniel’s Lion Whisperers
The One-Eared Peter Fighters
Screen Pass To Judas
The Anger of Chris Tomlin
Jonah and the Vomit Riders
Muting Balaam’s Ass
The False Starting Lepers
The Unpardonable Win
The Bald Samsons
Samson Mullet Power
The Shears of Delilah
Touchdown Revival Meeting
Manger Danger
The Frankincense Nonsense
The Fiery Furnaces
The Fake Hairy Arms
The Shutdown Shepherds
Herod and the Hail Mary’s
Enamel of Osteen
The Propitiation
The Weather in Gomorrah
Solomon Knows I Rule
The Abomination of Desolation
Prophets of Baal
Pigskin Lyre
Burning Reggie Bush
The Power of Babel
Nebuchadnezzar’s Cud Eaters
The Fibbing Pharaohs
The 12 Tribes of Lombardi
The Eden Gardensnakes
Jesus Wept, You are Inept
Egyptian Frog Casserole
The Altar Encroachers
Turning Water to Wins
The Headless Giants
The Sharp Shooting Shepherds
Team Golgotha
Twelve Plagues on the Field
Talking Donkey Power
Baptism In Your Tears
Dead Prophets of Baal
Balaam’s Horse-Collar Tacklers
Neutral Zone Evangelizers
The Fighting Apostles
Holy Kisses of Death
Disciple This!
Fierce Nile Blood Squad
Eve’s Apple Biters
Martin Luther Chop Block
Bathsheeba Needs a Bathroom
The Disciples of Beatdowns
The Parable of the Beatdowns
The Coat of Many Beatdowns
The Walls of Jericho
First and Ten Commandments
Biblical Proportions
Olive Branch Whooping Stick
Alabaster Vial of Liquid Dominance
The First Shall Not Be Last
HeBrews, You Lose
Nicodemus Nickel Defense
Shepherd’s Hook and Jacob’s Ladder
Cast the Second Stone
PassOver and Run Through
The Friends of Job
Goliath on Steroids
The Theology of Winning
The Fists of Sanctification
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Tomorrow, Part IV - Some Assembly Required
(The preceding may or may not be included in Bryan’s book-in-progress, “Let There Be Touchdowns: Why God is a Sports Fan and Why You Should Be Too”. If you’d like to stay current on what’s happening with the book, leave your name and email address here.)
As always, feedback, props, criticisms, and comments are strongly encouraged. Italics: letters in motion.
Tags: Christian's Guide To Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football
Posted in CG2FF | 2 Comments »
Tuesday, August 26th, 2008
This is Part 2 of a 5-part series, The Christian’s Guide to Fantasy Football.
Here’s Part I.
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Part II - To Pay or Not To Pay
In Part 1 we talked about why playing Fantasy Football is something every sports fan should do. In Part II, we’re going to look at one of the biggest decisions you’ll have to make as a Christian when choosing a fantasy league: whether or not you’ll be playing for money.
Gambling is one of those issues that seems to divide Christians like Moses divided the Scarlet Lake. There are Christians who think gambling is always wrong, and as such would never play a game when prize money is at stake. On the flip side, there are also Christians who love gambling as much as they love their own families, and would never consider doing anything unless there was some cash on the line. (”Hey honey, I’ll bet you five bucks I can take the trash out in 60 seconds or less.”)
Personally, I fall into the gray area in the middle that says that there’s nothing wrong with placing friendly wagers here and there, as long as it is done with moderation and wisdom (you can read more of my thoughts on gambling, specifically on playing poker for money, here if you like). If you feel the same way I do about gambling, then throwing a few bucks into a pot for the winner of your league is a fun way to keep everyone involved.
Entry Fees
Fantasy league entry fees typically fall somewhere between ten and fifty dollars to join, with the prize money either going all to the winner or split between the top 3. For the record, I suggest paying out for first, second, and third place. There’s nothing worse than losing in the fantasy championships because LaDanian Tomlinson was taken out of the game after the first series, leaving you with a second place finish and NO MONEY. At least if they pay out a second place prize you can take the few bucks you’ve won and buy yourself something that will make you feel happy. Like a margarita, a gallon of ice cream, or a life.
Some leagues might also pay out to the guy who came in last place, giving him his entry fee back as a way of helping him restore his dignity. Other leagues will make the last place finisher buy all the snacks for next year’s draft. One thing you’ll never find is a league that pays out all the money to the guy who finishes last. (But if you ever hear of such a league, please let me join know so I can join it and dominate it for the rest of my life.)
There is a Reason
If you’re unsure as to whether or not you want to play fantasy sports with some of your hard-earned money on the line, consider the following reasons I’ve compiled for and against gambling. While these are not hard and fast rules to live by, they should help you figure out whether playing for money is right for you.
Reasons not to play for money:
- You have a strong conviction against it.
- You struggle with a gambling addiction.
- You are a coach in a professional sports league.
- You know nothing about sports.
- You have no money.
- You are incarcerated.
- The entry fee for your league is $75,000 dollars.
- You haven’t had gainful employment in 3 years.
- You play Dungeons and Dragons.
- You prayed about it and an audible voice came down from heaven saying, “Hey. This is God. Don’t gamble.”
Reasons to go ahead and play for money:
- It keeps you interested in football for the entire season.
- You view the entry fee as an entertainment expense, like buying movie tickets or a new CD.
- You found fifty bucks on your way to the draft.
- Your league’s entry fee is $1.00.
- Winning fantasy sports leagues is your sole source of income.
- You will donate all of your winnings to your church’s new building fund.
- You plan on colluding with other owners to cheat your way to a championship.
- You are the commissioner of your league and can modify the scoring rules during the season to your advantage.
- The other owners in your league have a combined IQ of 67.
- You prayed about it and an audible voice came down from heaven saying, “Hey. This is God. Let it Ride!”
In the end if you find yourself agonizing over whether or not you should play for money, the best thing to do is to go to a casino, hit up the roulette wheel, and put $100 on black. If it lands on black, you just made $100! Congratulations, go spend it on your fantasy league (after you tithe 10% of course). After all, it’s house money you’re playing with.
What if it lands on red, you ask? Well, then you’re out $100, and you should probably try and win it back.And really, there’s no better way to do that then playing fantasy football for money. So go ahead and ante up!
You should also get out of that casino immediately, as it’s no place for someone like you to be hanging around.
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Tomorrow, Part III - The Art of Naming
(The preceding may or may not be included in Bryan’s book-in-progress, “Let There Be Touchdowns: Why God is a Sports Fan and Why You Should Be Too”. If you’d like to stay current on what’s happening with the book, leave your name and email address here.)
As always, feedback, props, criticisms, and comments are strongly encouraged. Italics: the new bold, no?
Tags: Christian's Guide To Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football, gambling
Posted in CG2FF | 3 Comments »
Monday, August 25th, 2008
This is Part 1 of a 5-part series, The Christian’s Guide to Fantasy Football.
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Part I - Fantasy is the New Reality
Few things are more frustrating to a sports fan than seeing their team’s chances decimated before the season has even started. Whether it’s lopsided trades, crippling contracts, or wasted draft picks, mismanagement by ownership can submarine a team’s chances faster than you can say “Thanks for co-signing on my house, Isiah Thomas!” It’s enough to drive any self-respecting sports fan to the brink of insanity and it’s the reason why fantasy sports have become a multi-billion dollar industry. We all think we can do better.
While millionaire owners hand out bad contracts like bourbon chicken samples in the mall food court, fantasy sports give the rest of us a chance to show off how brilliant we are. We pick the players, we make the trades, and we look like geniuses if our squad wins it all. It’s like being a real General Manager, only without the seven-figure salary and the victory parade through the center of the city. (You can, of course, throw yourself a victory parade for winning your fantasy league, but don’t expect anyone to show up except for your parents.)
From television to newspapers, water coolers to the Internet, fantasy sports are everywhere. Traditional media outlets are just now starting to embrace them, realizing a majority of consumers care as much about their fantasy team as the “real” teams they follow. The rise in popularity of fantasy sports has significantly shifted the way sports are covered in the 21st century. Try as they might to mock them, even veteran sportscasters are realizing fantasy sports aren’t going away. Like the woman who dances with a ribbon in front of your church; fantasy sports can no longer be ignored.
Some Christians, especially those over 50 years old, are apprehensive about fantasy sports simply because the word “fantasy” is involved. Their only previous experiences with the word “fantasy” came from lustful thoughts they used to have about Suzanne Somers or the evil kids who played Dungeons and Dragons after school in the cafeteria. But search for ‘fantasy’ on Google today and your first result will always be a sports website. That’s a far cry from five years ago, when that same search from your work computer would have gotten you fired. Clearly the word ‘fantasy’ has taken on a whole new meaning. As a result Christians everywhere can rest easy; fantasy sports have nothing to do with magic, wizards, or women in bikinis, unless of course you’re playing fantasy basketball or fantasy beach volleyball.
A League of Your Own
If you decide to take the leap into fantasy sports, the first thing you’ll need to do is find some competition. When looking for fantasy opponents, there are two basic options: a public league with people you don’t know or a private league populated with friends.
The benefit of joining a public league is the anonymity. The other owners in your league don’t know if you spend four hours a day researching fantasy statistics or if you make all of your roster decisions by setting out a fleece like Gideon. Being an unknown adds the element of surprise to your arsenal of weapons as a fantasy owner, and as anyone who has ever been mugged by a senior citizen will tell you, the element of surprise can make all the difference.
Another factor to consider in public leagues is the insults and expletives exchanged between owners during the season. It only takes one person to start trash talking and suddenly everyone thinks they’re the second coming of the late George Carlin. 24 hours later your league’s message board reads more like a high school bathroom stall than a sports forum. If you are easily offended or don’t appreciate being referred to as a part of the human anatomy, consider avoiding a public fantasy league. (You should also consider staying away from bars, football stadiums, television shows, and high school buses.)
Most fantasy sports services will let you choose a public league or they will assign you to a random league. If you’re looking for a league made up of Christians, your best bet is to search for league names like “IloveJesusandFantasy” or “ChristianSports777″. These leagues will usually be populated by other Christians looking to enjoy a more wholesome fantasy sports experience, with message boards full of encouraging banter and out of context Bible verses. (You’re going to tell me that no one has ever used the “first shall be last and the last shall be first” defense to claim their last place finish earned them the championship?) Consider yourself warned, however, these leagues are a perfect place for a wolf in sheep’s clothing to sneak in and wreak havoc on your ‘G’ rated fantasy experience. Come to think of it, if I wasn’t a Christian I would probably join one of these “safe for the family” fantasy leagues and harass my way to a fantasy title every year. I hear there’s no greater feeling of satisfaction than cussing your way to a fantasy league championship. (No, it wasn’t Mark Driscoll who told me that, but good guess!)
Just Say No to Strangers
While the intrigue of playing in a public fantasy league is enticing, joining a league with friends is the more popular way to enjoy fantasy sports. You won’t sneak up on owners anonymously, but you’ll get just as much enjoyment from knowing exactly whom you are going to destroy each week. As someone with a lot of experience in private fantasy leagues, I can assure you that the sheer joy derived from pummeling a friend’s fantasy team is tough to top. It’s the adult version of giving your buddy a monster wedgie, with the underrated benefit of not having to touch his underwear.
Another great reason for playing in a fantasy league with friends is you can use your insider information to gain a competitive advantage. If, for instance, you know your good friend has a soft spot for junk food and is on the fence about your trade proposal, go ahead and offer him 3 bags of Nacho Cheesier Doritos to seal the deal. Think of it as an investment in the success of your team. Ten bucks worth of corn chips is a small price to pay for improving your shot at the title. Just ask Danny Ainge of the Boston Celtics, who used this exact tactic to get Kevin Garnett from the Timberwolves in 2007. (And look how that turned out! Danny Ainge was hoisting the Championship trophy while Kevin Mchale looked on in approval, busy licking cheesy orange flavoring off of his fingers.)
The Bottom Line
Whether you decide to play against strangers in a public league or opt for competing against friends, the bottom line is this: you HAVE to play. As a sports fan, you have to take a shot at running your own team. Why wouldn’t you test your sports savvy to see if you can manage a team from the first selection of draft day to a league title? Let the millionaire owners use their real money to buy their real teams, and let the real GMs get fired when they come up short. As fans playing fantasy sports, we’ve got a better thing going.
And the best part is, if it turns out you’re not the brilliant sports mind you thought you were, all you’ve lost is a little pride (and maybe a few bucks too, but we’ll get to that in Part II). A last place finish in your church fantasy football league won’t do a whole lot for your confidence, but it’s not like you’re going to become the most embarrassing member of your congregation because of it. We all know who holds that honor.
Dance away Ribbon Lady, dance away.
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Tomorrow, Part II - To Pay or Not To Pay
(The preceding may or may not be included in Bryan’s book-in-progress, “Let There Be Touchdowns: Why God is a Sports Fan and Why You Should Be Too”. If you’d like to stay current on what’s happening with the book, leave your name and email address here.)
As always, feedback, props, criticisms, and comments are strongly encouraged. Aren’t italics fun?
Tags: Christian's Guide To Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football
Posted in CG2FF | 5 Comments »
Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
A few items to peruse while you realize that Christmas is 6 months away…
+ NYT Best-Selling author Michael Lewis doesn’t believe golf is a sport, and he thinks Tiger’s display at the U.S. Open only furthered the lie.
+ Joe Posnanski examines “The Meaning of Tiger”, claiming, “All I know about Tiger Woods can be summed up in about seven words: ‘I knew he would make that putt.’”
+ I’ve got an article up over at Suite101 about maximizing your fantasy football draft experience.
Tags: Fantasy Football, Tiger Woods
Posted in sports | No Comments »
