Friday, October 12th, 2007
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Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the guy who tried to beat a drug test by asking a random boy to pee.
First Thing’s First
What we learned last week:
1. The AFC West might be worse than we thought. Your current division leader? Oakland at 2-2. KC, SD, and Den are all 2-3. At this point, who is the frontrunner to win the division? San Diego based on what they’ve done in the past? Oakland or KC because of their Defenses? Denver by default? If your life was on the line and you had to pick the division winner right now, who would you go with? I think I’d take San Diego, and I’d vomit every time I realized my life was in Norv Turner’s hands.
2. On the Flip Side, the AFC South is beastly. The division’s last place team, the Texans, would be leading the AFC West with their 3-2 record. As hard as it is to happen, it seems like both wild cards could come out of this division this year. Who’s going to have a better record than TEN and JAX for those two spots? Baltimore? Denver? Oakland? I can’t see that happening.
3. The NFC continues to be a sea of mediocrity. Other than Dallas, which teams scare you as an opponent? Answer: none. The teams playing the best right now are probably the Giants, Redskins, and Packers, but these teams all have huge flaws. Even if they lose to New England this weekend, the Cowboys’ path to the Super Bowl looks pretty good right now. Anything less than a trip to the NFC Championship will be a huge disappointment for Wade Phillips.
4. The worst team in the world? a toss-up between Miami, St. Louis, and New Orleans. With all 3 teams on the road this week, the troika could be a collective 0-18 come Monday.
5. The last-second time-out as the field goal is about to be kicked reared its ugly head again on Monday night. Third time that’s happened this year in the NFL. The thing that amazes me, is that in all 3 cases the kicker made his first attempt. That’s why there is so much outrage to change the rule. Imagine if all 3 kickers missed their first attempt, and because of the timeout where given a second chance? We’d all be calling the coaches idiots for doing this and no one would want a rule change. That’s why i think the rule won’t change, because eventually a coach is gonna get burned doing this.
Angle(s) of the Week
It’s all about the Dallas-New England game this week, and rightly so. Funny that the Colts are off this week. I bet they’ll all be glued to their sets to catch this one.
The key to this game is going to be how Romo throws the ball downfield. I don’t think any team can trade punches with the Patriots. They’ll take your shots and hit you back even harder, eventually wearing you down. If the Cowboys can score on big plays that force the Patriot’s defense to respect the home run, then Romo has a chance to use Witten and Barber to move the ball. It’s a huge test for Romo coming off that 5 INT performance.
With much of the attention on T.O. and Moss, I think Dallas will try to hit Crayton and Hurd with downfield bombs when they are in single coverage.
As for New England, I think they’ll score their 28-31 points like they always do. If they can force Romo into 2 or 3 turnovers, and they can keep Dallas from scoring on big plays, they’ll be able to come out on top.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
Not to go all Peter King on you, but I’m in a Panera Bread in Seekonk, Masachusetts and the guy next to me is yelling into his cellphone. yelling.
“TELL MARIO TO GET THAT CONNECTICUT JOB STAHTED BY THURSDAY”
“HEY KEVIN, I GOT CONFIRMATION FROM MARIO. HE’S WORKING WEDNESDAY, SO CALL HIM AFTAH 10:30. HE’S GOT SOME IDEARS ABOUT THAT PAHKING LOT JOB.”
“HEY JIM, DID YOU ORDAH THE RIGHT DOOR FOR THOSE PANELS OR DID YOU MAKE AN ERRAH?”
It’s good to be back home in Massachusetts. I love the accent. But like i tell my son all the time, let’s use our “inside voice” when we are inside. thank you.
Fantasy is the New Reality
I’m happy to report that Nick Folk’s 53-yard field goal as time expired on Monday Night gave me a 1-point victory in Fantasy, my first since Week 1. Still got beat in my other 3 leagues though. I suck.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket has to do with the pastor who gets busted for speeding on his way to the pulpit, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - CBS has the doubleheader this week. There’s 4 early games, with only Miami @ Cleveland happening without HD cameras. I think the coaches for each team requested the standard definition cameras in hopes that people wouldn’t notice how bad they both suck. The late game the entire country will be watching is Dallas and New England. (except for California and half of Nevada, who are stuck watching SD and OAK).
FOX - FOX has 1 game this week. It will be an early game for you unless you get Carolina @ Arizona, which is in the late game slot. But even if you follow those teams, you’ll still probably watch the New England game anyway.
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage map with your own soul windows, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
This week it’s the gutters. There are leaves in them. But the thing is, there will be more leaves in them after this week. Why not just wait for all the leaves to fall?
Personally, I’ve never cleaned a gutter in my life because we have hardly any trees in our development (it’s relatively new). The thought of getting on a ladder to do that makes me tired just thinking about it.
So get out your ladder, take a peek in your gutters, confirm that there are leaves. Then peek at the trees, confirm that there are more leaves to fall, and go sit back down on the couch.
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: CAR over NO (WIN!)
Record for the Year: 4-1
I like Washington to go into Green Bay this week and beat the favored Packers. Brett Favre will set the all time interception record, Green Bay won’t be able to run the ball, and Jason Campbell will continue his rise to being one of the best QBs in the NFC.
Mascot Wars
This week it’s an MLB edition
Rockies & Diamondbacks - It’s the classic battle of nature. Snakes vs. Mountains. Snakes are crafty, mountains don’t move. Snakes can slither, mountains don’t move. Snakes can shed skin and bite people and constrict on people and can rattle, mountains don’t move. But Blues Traveller never sang a song about snakes, did they? In the words of John Popper, “the mountains win again.” Rockies in 5 games.
Red Sox & Indians - If native americans had socks back hundreds of years ago, perhaps they would have done better in the winters and would have had stronger tribes. Then when the English came over to settle the land, the Indians would have destroyed them in their red socks and none of us would be here today. That would suck. I mean, it was awful what we did to the natives, but I like existing. Red Sox in 6 games.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
Some people believe the two pictures to the left are the same person.
These people also believe that aliens are real and that eating snow actually burns calories because of the energy it takes to melt it, so you shouldn’t eat snow if you are stranded and thirsty in alaska.
Do not trust these people.
If Betting were Legal
Last Week: 5-9
Year to Date: 37-39
My picks for Week 6 (your spreads may vary):
MIN(+6.5), TEN(+2.5), CLE(-4.5), StL(+9.5), JAX(-6.5), WAS(+3.5), PHI(-3.5), KC(+3.5), ARI(-4.5), OAK(+10.5), NE(-5.5), SEA(-6.5), NYG(-3.5)
Final Word
One more travel note. I hate Connecticut. It is the WORSE state to travel in. ever. I-95, a major interstate that runs from Maine to Florida, goes down to 2 lanes in Connecticut! 2 lanes! what genius came up with that idea? Not to mention that theres thousands of acres of woods surrounding the highway. You could make the road 25 lanes and it wouldn’t even dent the forestry. This is why I won’t vote for Chris Dodd, because i hold him personally responsible for the cumulative hours of traffic i have sat in in his blasted state.
what’s your most hated travel locale? flying out of a certain airport? a certain road near where you live? I’m curious if I’m the only one who despises stretch of road so passionately.
we’re driving back home on Sunday. Pray for us.
-The Schnoz
Tags: NFL, Schnoz Report
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Friday, October 5th, 2007
Note: The Schnoz Report is a column i write each week for the Burnside Writers’ Blog. From Week 5 on, I’ll be posting them here as well. Here were the first four editions: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the Mr. Potato Head doll that was strung out on Ecstasy.
First Thing’s First
What we learned last week:
(-1.) First let me tell you what we didn’t learn last week. The Patriots are way better than your favorite team. But we already knew that, so it doesn’t count.
1. The Tampa Bay Bucs might not be as good as their 3-1 record. But wait, you say, they won AT carolina. Yeah but Carolina stinks (They’ve only beaten the Rams and the Falcons, two of the worst teams in the league). And look who the Bucs have beaten. The Saints, Rams, and Panthers. Hardly quality wins. I cant believe that one of these teams: the Bucs, Saints, Panthers, and Falcons, will be in the playoffs this year. Mediocre is a compliment to any team in the NFC South. That being said, the Bucs have a chance to knock off the banged-up Colts this weekend. The NFL is crazy like that.
2. Speaking of overrated teams, the Chargers are not very good. They’re just not. Coaching matters. And while we’re here, the Saints, Eagles, and Bears, all supposed NFC Contenders this year, might miss the playoffs. Packers and Cowboys in the NFC Championship game this year? Yeah, most likely.
3.In fact, while everyone is buzzing about the Patriots possibly going 16-0, don’t sleep on the cowboys. Next week the Pats and Cowboys play each other, and while the Pats will be favored, the Cowboys should keep it close. If they can somehow beat the Pats (and assuming they beat the Bills this week), look at the 10 games left on their schedule: home for MIN, WAS, NYJ, GB, and PHI … on the road against PHI, NYG, DET, CAR, and WAS. I’m not saying that’s a walk in the park, but in how many of those games will the Cowboys NOT be favored? The cowboys going undefeated? I’m not saying, I’m just saying.
4. There’s only 4 teams this year who have not given up more than 20 points in a game. can you guess 3 of the 4? I’ll tell you the answers in a second.
5. Look out for those Chiefs, they might sneak into the playoffs. They’re 2-2 with 7 home games left at Arrowhead. Their defense is playing well. They have winnable road games on their schedule against Oakland, Detroit, and the Jets. If they win 5 of 7 at home and 2 of those 3 road games, they could sneak into the playoffs, and even contend for their division, at 9-7.
Bonus: The 4 teams who have yet to give up 21 or more points: Tampa Bay, Jacksonville, New England, and Kansas City.
Angle(s) of the Week
There’s a few teams playing for their season on Sunday, even though we’re only in Week 5.
If the Bears lose to Green Bay in Lambeau on Sunday night, they will be 1-4 and 4 games behind the Packers. While the rest of their schedule isn’t very frightening, their QB situation is (not to mention their banged up defense as well).
If the Chargers lose to the Broncos in Denver, they’ll be 1-4 and in a whole heap of trouble. The division is still wide open, so to say they’d be done would be exaggerating things. But 1-4 sucks. Especially when you were 14-2 last year. Mar-ty, Mar-ty, Mar-ty…
A loss to the Panthers will put the Saints at 0-4. Isnt it weird how this season for the Saints is EXACTLY the opposite of last year. Last year we thought they would suck wind, and they were amazing. This year, we thought they would be amazing, and they suck wind. It’s like those warp zones in Super Mario Brothers that took you to level 8 from level 5-2, only completely different.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
An open letter to anyone who uses a public bathroom,
If you find yourself in a stall taking care of business and there’s someone in the adjacent stall also taking care of business, let’s make sure we don’t see each other afterwards. Is that too much to ask?
Once you hear me starting to wrap things up (the whirring of the TP roll, the flush, the zip and buckle) you need to hang out for a minute so that i can go wash my hands and get out of there.
Once I’m all clear, then you can make your exit. I promise if you start the wrap-up first, I’ll do the same for you.
There’s nothing worse than starting to wrap things up and then hearing the guy in the next stall doing the same thing. What is he trying to do, go for a simultaneous exit? Does he want a high-five at the sink? I don’t want to have to make eye contact with the person responsible for the sounds i was just hearing.
In the public bathroom, anonymity is king. So please, let’s take turns making our getaways and avoid all possible interactions.
Thanks,
The Schnoz
Fantasy is the New Reality
Every week I give you 3 fantasy players that I think will outperform their peers (using my ESPN League’s scoring system). This week we’re taking a break from that so that i can make an announcement.
After going 4-0 in my 4 fantasy leagues in Week 1, I have lost every single game. I am 1-3 in each league, for a total record of 4-12. At least I’m consistent.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket is something you get at the movies on the weekend, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - The Big Eye has a doubleheader this week. The early games are scattered all over the country, with only the JAX@KC game being televised without HD. 90% of the country will see SD@DEN in the late game slot.
FOX - Your lone FOX game will probably be an early start. The only folks getting a late game on FOX (TB@IND) are folks in florida, indiana, new england, and new mexico. New Mexico? how do they decide these things?
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage map with your own soul windows, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
This weekend my wife is out of town, so I don’t even have to pretend that I’m thinking about doing housework. I’ll be too busy chasing my kids around. If you’re wife isn’t out of town, you’re on your own coming up with a chore to ignore. Feel free to post in the comments if you have any good ones.
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: OAK over MIA (WIN!)
Record for the Year: 3-1
This week I’m taking the Panthers to beat the Saints, despite New Orleans being favored by a field goal. Why are the Saints favored in this game? Are they due because they havent won yet? What if they really are that bad?
Pop Quiz hotshot: Who’s the only team in the NFL without a sack this year? Answer: the Saints. Give me David Carr and the Panthers to pull off the upset.
Mascot Wars
Let’s break down some of the great match ups between mascots this week:
Dallas Cowboys @ Buffalo Bills - What exactly is a Bill? is it a buffalo? Why do the Bills have a buffalo on their helmet, is it for the city or for the mascot? Could they call themselves the Buffalo buffaloes? My head is spinning. Oh and wasn’t Buffalo Bill a person too? wasn’t he a cowboy actually? This game will end in a draw, it will be a shootout, and there will be no winners.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
This week’s conspiracy theory of the week is the “all you can eat”” special.
How foolish is this concept? Pay one price, eat as much as you like.
The very idea itself automatically makes you want to stuff your face. People who opt for the all you can eat special have on thing in mind: getting there money’s worth. After all, the more you eat, the better your value.
So now we have 340-pound teenagers waddling out of Ponderosa saying, “Hey Bill, do you realize I ate so many chicken legs that they only cost me a penny each?” Unfortunately, the next time that guy sees a penny (or a chicken leg) on the ground, he won’t be able to bend over and pick it up.
If I was king of the world I would immediately outlaw the “all you can eat” special. My motto would be “A portion for every meal”. In fact, I would make the phrase “All you can eat” a cuss word. It would be the equivalent of saying “Screw You!” to someone (or it’s R-rated equivalent).
Someone would cut you off in traffic and you’d scream out the window at them, “Hey buddy, All You Can Eat!” He’d yell back “Bottomless Fries, you Jerk!”.
That’s the kind of world I want to live in.
If Betting were Legal
Last Week: 11-3
Year to Date: 32-30
Last week i kicked tuckus and took names. 11-3 against the spread was good enough to win the week in my 35-person picks league that I’m in. Feels good to know that i can still pull crap like that out of thin air when i need to. Two solid weeks in a row? I doubt it. Here’s my picks…
My picks for Week 5 (your spreads may vary):
KC(+2.5), DET(+3.5), NE(-16.5), CAR(+2.5), NYJ(+3.5), ARI(-3.5), SEA(+6.5), ATL(+8.5), MIA(+5.5), TB(+10.5), SF(+3.5), DEN(-2.5), GB(-3.5), DAL(-10.5)
Final Word
I love the Boston Red Sox. I was born in raised in Massachusetts, and i have lived through some (though not all) of the disappointments of years past. 2004 was an amazing experience. So amazing, in fact, that i am hoping the Phillies, Cubs, or Indians win the World Series if my Sox don’t. Such a great feeling to watch your team win it all.
Do i want to see the Red Sox go through the yankees to get to the world series (assuming we beat the angels)? Not necessarily. I’m ok with going through whoever is in our way. Those yankee games take years off my life.
If I’m a bit distracted over the next week or two, you can blame it on the playoff baseball. I love it like I love italian sausage and birthday presents.
Go Sox.
-The Schnoz
Tags: NFL, Schnoz Report
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