Only two weeks left of the Schnoz Report, and the amazing thing is, I’m still going! I started this feature last year and gave up somewhere in early Fall. This year, I’m riding it out until the bitter end. So here we go!

PLAYOFF ODDS

Football Outsiders has an interesting page up right now with current playoff odds. Their odds are based on their DVOA ranking system, which stands for Drugged Vampires Ogle Animals. Actually, I don’t know what it stands for, and you don’t care, so it’s all good.

Here’s a sample of what their model is predicting (though these numbers have not been updated after Indy’s win last night)

+ The Jets (59.4%) and the Dolphins (32.1%) have a better shot at making the playoffs than the Patriots (29.9%)

+ Despite needing more outside help than the Cowboys, the Eagles (33.3%) have a higher probability of making the playoffs than America’s Team (32.7%)

+ From what I can tell, their most probable AFC and NFC playoff pictures look like this:

AFC: 1. TEN, 2. PIT, 3. NYJ, 4. DEN, 5. IND, 6. BAL

NFC: 1. NYG, 2. CAR, 3. MIN, 4. ARI, 5. TB, 6. ATL

Let’s sneak a peak at those potential first round matchups…

Indianapolis @ Denver – Absolute Worst Case for Broncos fans. Even though it was 5 years ago, they still remember the 49-24 playoff beat down in Indy, if only because the year before they suffered a similar beat down, 41-10.  The Colts would probably come into Denver favored in this one by 3.5 points, an honestly, that might be the only chance the Broncos would have: playing the “we are underdogs in a home playoff game” disrespect card.

Baltimore @ NY Jets – Fascinating matchup here. Joe Flacco on the road in New York for his playoff debut. Brett Favre in his Jets playoff debut against the playmaking Raven Defense. This has all the makings of a last-minute 20-17 finish.

Tampa Bay @ Arizona – If it plays out this way, Kurt Warner should lead the Cardinals in a rousing rendition of Shout to the Lord. Of all the potential playoff teams they could face (Cowboys, Eagles, Falcons, Bucs), the Buccaneers have the least momentum heading into the final stretch. Their defense, which was their trump card all season, has been beaten up in two consecutive games to the tune of 474 rushing yards. Their offense has looked anemic with Jeff Garcia on the sideline like he was last week. I still think the Bucs have what it takes to make a run in January, but this might be the Cardinals best chance of giving their home fans a playoff win.

Atlanta @ Minnesota – These teams play in Minnesota on Sunday, so we could be watching a playoff preview. This game would be a rematch of the NFC Championship game from 10 years ago in which the 11-point underdog Falcons beat the 15-1 Vikings in overtime. All I remember about that game is the feeling that the Falcons robbed me of a great Vikings-Broncos matchup. Would be great to see which marquis player starts building a great playoff legacy by winning their first playoff game: Matt Ryan or Adrian Peterson.

Let’s Check In On Our Things that could happen in the playoffs

I mentioned these possibilities 2 weeks ago, let’s see if they’re still in play.

1. Tampa Bay Might Host The Super Bowl. This one is looking bleak. But…if Jeff Garcia can get healthy and if their defense can get it back together and if Venus and Jupiter stay visible in the Western Sky, they’re might be a chance.

2. All 2nd Round Playoff Games Could Be Intra-Division Matchups. Now that Indy is locked in as the #5 seed, this would only happen if Baltimore gets the #6 seed and Pittsburgh beats Tennessee for the #1 seed. Still possible in the NFC as well, though it would take Dallas or Philly getting in.

3. All 4 Wild Card Teams could win on the road in the first round of the playoffs. Based on the match-ups in the previous section, you’ve got to admit there’s a decent chance of this happening.

4. Both #1 seeds could lose their first playoff game. Both the Titans and the Giants have looked flawed of late. If they wind up as your top seeds, anything is possible.

Random Thought From This Week’s Games

Weather should be a factor in at least 6 of the games this weekend. Forecasters are calling for rain or snow in Cleveland, New England, Seattle, New York, and Washington. And the temperature in Chicago on Monday Night might hit 10 degrees if the players are lucky.

The Schnoz loves him some snowy football in HD!!!

Bible Character Who Should Have been a Football Player

This week’s BCWSHBAFP is Zachariah. Remember Zachariah? When an angel told him that his barren wife, Elizabeth would conceive a baby, he wasn’t buying it. As a result, he couldn’t hear or see anything until the child was born.

I want Zachariah to line up at Wide Receiver for my All-Bible team. Why? Because like you, I am so tired of wide receivers running their mouths and causing drama. If only an angel could hit the mute button on T.O. and remove his voice box until he wins a championship…now that would be glad tidings of comfort and joy for the holiday season.

Son of The Schnoz Picked Last Week’s Games

Last week the Schnoz had his son Parker pick winners for the Week 15 games. Here’s how that went down.

Son of The Schnoz from Bryan Allain on Vimeo.

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 6-10

Year to Date: 112-113

It’s a fight to stay above .500 for the year. Here’s my picks:

Enjoy Week 16 and have a Merry Christmas everyone!

-The Schnoz

The Schnoz Report’s back with another game by game breakdown of Week 15 in the NFL…

Things that have already happened

Chicago 27, New Orleans 24 – Well, well, well. This division is suddenly the Bears’ for the taking. With a game at home against the Packers and at Houston left, they should finish ahead of Minnesota at 10-6, considering the Vikings have 3 losable games on their schedule. Whether they get the #4 or #5 seed depends on how Arizona finishes, but either way they are on their way to hosting a cold playoff game against a team from the southern U.S.

Sunday’s Early Games

San Fran @ Miami - The Dolphins win out and they win the East. You can bet Belicheck and Mangini didn’t see that coming back in August. No Frank Gore for the Niners, which hurts Fantasy Football playoff teams more than it hurts Mike Singletary. I predict that Mike Singletary will run out his own version of the Wildcat called the “NakedCat”. It involves Wide Receiver Josh Morgan taking the direct snap while Mike Singletary distracts the defense by pulling his pants down. Prediction: Fins 21, Niners 16

Washington @ Cincinnati – This season hasn’t quite turned out like Redskins fans had hoped. The team looked great early – the opening game notwithstanding – and Jim Zorn was making believers out of the DC united. But things have fallen apart faster than a sugar statue in a heavy rain. Portis and Zorn are at odds, Jason Taylor still thinks he’s supposed to be dancing with the person in front of him, and somehow kicker Shaun Suisham could be headed to the Pro Bowl, despite being the worst kicker in the league (71%!!!). But hey, the Nationals want to sign either Mark Teixeira or Manny Ramirez! So there’s always that. Prediction: Bengals 27, Redskins 24

Green Bay @ Jacksonville – Is Green Bay’s Defense really as bad as you’ve heard it is? Check the stats. They’re an average squad against the pass (12th in the league), but near the bottom against the run (27th). But here’s the telling stat: no team has give up more 40+ yard plays from scrimmage than the Packers (10 passing, 4 rushing). When teams need the big play against the Pack, they can get it. And that’s why Aaron Rodgers will never be Brett Favre. Prediction: Jaguars 28, Packers 27

Buffalo @ NY Jets – If the Bills have the lead in the fourth quarter and Brett Favre kills a drive by throwing a classic Favre Interception will Jets fans boo loudly, very loudly, or deafeningly loudly? Unfortunately, I don’t think we’ll find out. Prediction: Jets 20, Bills 13.

San Diego @ Kansas City – The Chiefs only have 6 sacks all season. The record for least amount of sacks in a season is 12. So the Chiefs need to double the amount of sacks they’ve had in 13 games in the last 3 games. Alongside Drew Brees gunning for Marino’s yardage record and Denver going for the most injured players ever, this could be the most intriguing subplot of the last 3 weeks of the season. Prediction: Chargers 30, Chiefs 28.

Detroit @ Indianapolis – You know how everyone says the key to winning in the playoffs is running the ball and stopping the run? Well, just in case you were wondering, Indy is 31st in the league at running the ball and 25th in the league at stopping the run. Not so hot. There’s going to be a lot of people on the Indy bandwagon once the playoffs start, not sure that I’ll be one of them. Prediction: Colts 31, Lions 21.

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta – Am I ready to jump off my Bucs bandwagon after the pounding they took on Monday night? Not yet. This is a tough matchup for them though, and unless they pull this game off they are likely not going to make the playoffs. On a side note, if Matt Ryan has a great game and leads the Falcons to a win, you’re going to start hearing the “Matt Ryan for MVP” chatter get louder and louder. You know what? The Bucs can’t win this game. Prediction: Falcons 41, Bucs 24.

Tennessee @ Houston – How great would it be if the Texans strolled out onto the field in baby blue Houston Oiler uniforms? Take that, Bud Adams! What would the NFL do? Fine them after the game? Charge them a timeout like they did to Pete Carroll and USC for wearing home reds? Though the Titans have similar colors to the old Oilers, they would be wearing their road whites, so the confusion would be kept at a minimum. I think it’s the only chance the Texans have to win this game because Chris Johnson is going to score 4 TDs and propel my fantasy team to a win in the semi-finals of my fantasy playoffs. You hear that Chris? You and me baby! Prediction: Titans 33, FakeOilers 14.

Seattle @ St. Louis – When does having the job of announcing NFL games suck? When FOX sends you to cover this 60-minute pile of manure. Matt Vasgersian and JC Pearson, our thoughts are with you. Prediction: Seahawks 28, Rams 16.

Sunday’s Late Games

Denver @ Carolina – The toughest team to figure out from last year (the Panthers) meets the toughest team to figure out this year (Broncos). In honor of this momentous occasion, John Fox will be handing a 3-foot tall Question Mark Trophy to Mike Shanahan before the coin flip. Shanahan will then stick a jersey on the trophy and start it at running back. Prediction: Panthers 47, Broncos 27.

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore – Though Flacco didn’t shine against the Steelers in Pittsburgh in Week 4, he did manage to avoid throwing a pick (16 of 31, 192 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT). The Steelers have picked off at least 2 passes in more than half of their games. If Flacco can avoid big mistakes in this one, I think the Ravens can make a huge statement at home. I also think the Steelers incredibly tough schedule is going to catch up with them at some point. Prediction: Ravens 27, Steelers 17.

New England @ Oakland – No player in the NFL has underwhelmed me more this year than Jamarcus Russell. And speaking of underwhelming, I’ve heard more than one NFL Insider make reference to the fact that the Raiders haven’t been pleased with what they’ve seen from Darren McFadden so far. He’s like a taller Reggie Bush, wihout the Subway ads and the famous girlfriend. Keep that in mind for next year’s fantasy draft. Prediction: Patriots 14, Raiders 10

Minnesota @ Arizona – I mentioned earlier that the Colts were 31st in the league at running the ball. The only team worse? The Cardinals at a paltry 75.4 yards per game. Their air attack, however, is amazing to watch. Rookie Steve Breaston is the opposite of Jamarcus Russell…he impresses me more every time I see him. Minnesota has more on the line here, and I can’t shake the thought that Adrian Peterson might line up at safety and make a game-saving INT on the final play of the game to earn a purple victory. Prediction: Vikings 30, Cardinals 26

Sunday Night and Monday Night Games

New York Giants @ Dallas – If Terrell Owens worked at your job, you’d probably hate him. He’d be the guy in the office always playing politics and sucking up the boss. He’d be the guy causing drama by spreading rumors for no good reason. He’d be they guy posting every award and bonus he received on his cubicle wall with a spotlight shining on it. Owens is apparently the driving force behind a mutiny on the S.S. Romo at Valley Ranch and somewhere, Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb are laughing. Like the Jessica Simpson saga last year, the off-field distractions are once again clouding up the fact that this team isn’t as good as we all think. Prediction: Giants 34, Cowboys 20

Cleveland @ Philadelphia – Wouldn’t it be something if the Cowboys, Vikings, and Falcons all lost on Sunday, putting the Eagles in prime position to claim that last Wild Card spot in the NFC, only the Eagles went out and laid a complete egg against the Browns on prime time television? I’m not sure why, but I have to admit…I would like that very much. Sorry Larry! Prediction: Eagles 21, Browns 9

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 7-9
Year to Date: 106-103

Here’s my picks for Wk 15:

Enjoy Week 15 everyone!

-The Schnoz

Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else. As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the class ring that turned up 21 years later inside an 8-pound bass.

Things that could happen in the playoffs

Only 4 weeks left in the NFL Regular Season. So sad, so sad. As i was thinking about possible playoff matchups, these interesting playoff scenarios came to mind:

1. Tampa Bay Might Host The Super Bowl. Bill Simmons actually mentioned this possibility on his podcast last week. As far as I can tell, no team has ever played a Super Bowl in the stadium they played their home games in.

On two occassions, teams were close to their home. In 1985 the 49ers won Super Bowl 19 over the Dolphins in Palo Alto, CA…35 miles from San Francisco. Five years earlier, the L.A. Rams lost 31-19 to the Steelers in Super Bowl 14. That game was played in the Rose Bowl, which was 14 miles from their home stadium of the L.A. Coliseum.

The Bucs have a lot of work to do to get there, but playing on their home turf would certainly be an advantage in Super Bowl XLIII.

2. All 4 Divisional Playoff Games Could Be Intra-Division Matchups. Follow along. If Indy falters and sneaks in as the #6 seed, they could win their Wild Card game and play Tennessee the following week. In that scenario, Baltimore might be the #5 seed, and if they beat the Broncos in their Wild Card game, they would travel north to face Pittsburgh in Round 2.

Over in the NFC, I could see Carolina and Dallas earning the #5 and #6 seeds, respectively. If they both won, Dallas would play the Giants and the Panthers might play Tampa Bay the following week.

That’s crazy, you say, because that means all 4 wild card teams would win. Which brings me to my next point:

3. All 4 Wild Card Teams could win on the road in the first round of the playoffs. Think about the potential #3 and #4 seeds in both conferences. You could be looking at the Patriots, Broncos, Cardinals, and Vikings. Compare that list to these likely Wild Card teams: Colts, Ravens, Panthers, and Cowboys. Which list strikes more fear into you if you’ve got a bye in the first round?

I realize a Wild Card sweep has never happened. In fact, only twice in the 18 years of the Wild Card have 3 of 4 wild card teams won (04/05 and 05/06 seasons). But if there was ever a year for it to happen, this might be the year.

4. Both #1 seeds could lose their first playoff game. I won’t lie and pretend this is a likely scenario, but it is a remote possibility. It plays off of the previous two points actually. If the top team in each conference is facing a division foe in the second round of the playoffs, it would be the third match up of the year for each club. You know a team pretty well at that point, which might neutralize the strengths of the favorite. Then again, the familiarity could further expose the flaws of the wild card team as well.

One thing I know for sure: with the way the playoff picture is shaping up, there could be some great match ups this year.

Random Thought From This Week’s Games

Every Home Team is favored this week but 3.

+ The Lions are catching 9 points from the Vikings in Detroit. Honestly, I think they’d be the underdog if they played against the cast of “Twilight” at this point.

+ The 49ers are catching 4 points from the Jets in San Fran. The line does seem a bit low, but you have to consider that the Jets lost last week to a Broncos team that has had more injuries this year than most teams have in two years. Terrible loss by the Jets, who might be taking cues from Brett Favre at this point. Brett has played in so many games in his career, I can’t blame him for not getting excited about a game against a crappy Denver team. Especially since the Jets were coming off a win against the undefeated Titans.

Side note: I speak with authority on the Denver injury situation because I watch almost every Broncos game with my buddy Jake, a Denver transplant who helped me pay for the Sunday Ticket. It seems like the Broncos lose at least 1 player to injury per series. We just laugh at this point when the ref blows a whistle to stop play, because we know it must be another Bronco clutching a body part. Like I told Jake last Sunday, if we find out after the season that someone had been switching out the Broncos football pads with pads made out of papier-mâché and Styrofoam, this will all make much more sense.

+ The Seahawks are catching 4.5 points from the Patriots in Seattle. This brings me to this logical question. With Mike Holmgren leaving after this season, and assistant coach Jim Mora waiting in the wings to take over next year, why don’t they just start this process right now? What’s the harm in letting Mora coach his future players for a few weeks before they all go play golf?

If Mora takes over and they lose every game, well, at least he’s got some experience under his belt. But what if they go 2-2? What if they go 3-1? That’s a huge momentum boost for the franchise heading into the off-season. Seems to me like there’s so much more to gain by giving Mora control right now. How hard can these players be playing for Holmgren knowing their season is lost and he won’t even be back?

Bible Character Who Should Have been a Football Player

This week’s BCWSHBAFP is Rahab the Harlot. If you’re not familiar with her story, in the book of Joshua she hid some Israelite spies on her roof under some bundles of flax. Later, when the Isrealites take over the city, they make good on their promise to spare her because of the red cord she dangled outside of her window.

Rahab was a master in the art of deception. Hiding the spies under some flax bundles on her roof was brilliant. As any fake scholar will tell you, the King of Jericho had a severe allergy to flax seed which made him foam at the mouth and caused his back to break out with severe acne (backne). She knew he wouldn’t let his soldiers go anywhere near the flax seed, so that’s where she hid the spies. She studied the tapes. She did her homework.

She also told the soldiers a convincing story about how the soldiers had already come and gone. They were probably mesmerized by her harlotry and didn’t even think to strap a lie detector on her. She was crafty with the tongue, that Rahab. She was doing Jedi mind tricks long before Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru ever took their first trip to Tosche Station.

All that to say, Rahab would make a great middle linebacker. Is she blitzing? Is she dropping back in coverage? Is she going to pop out of that bundle of flax sitting on the 30-yard line? You’d never know what she’s thinking. She’d do her homework before every game, taking advantage of player allergies and exploiting the unique flaws of each player. Did you see what she did after sacking Jay Cutler? Of course you didn’t because she did it so quickly. Not even in slow-mo can you see her pouring that packet of sugar into his mouth. Look at her argue with the referees. Unbelievable, they’re picking up the flag for that late hit call! She controls Ed Hochuli like a marionette! You’ve done it again, you harlot!

Rahab would redefine the middle linebacker position. She would also be the player who would communicate with the coach, only instead of a green dot on her helmet, she’d sport a small red cord.

The Schnoz Loves The Buccaneers

Nice win for the Buccaneers last week against New Orleans. Since I crowned them as my Super Bowl Sleeper Pick* after Week 11, they are 2-0 and suddenly the #2 seed in the NFC.

*yes, I realize that calling a 7-3 team a “sleeper” is really pushing the definition of what a sleeper is. But at that point in time you probably would have argued with me that the Giants, Cardinals, Panthers, Cowboys, Packers, and maybe even the Redskins and Eagles were better NFC teams. Now it’s clear that the Bucs are a force to be reckoned with. Convinced that I’m brilliant? Neither am I.

Just don’t come crying to me when it’s a Ravens/Buccaneers super bowl and Trent Dilfer is singing the national anthem.

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 9-7

Year to Date: 99-94

Here’s my picks (obviously I was wrong last night):

Final Word

Not sure if any of you read Stuff Christians Like, but if not, go check it out today. I was asked to write a guest post by site creator Jon Acuff, and as a result today’s post is #451 – 7 Sports Myths That Christians Like”.

Enjoy Week 14!

-The Schnoz

The Schnoz Report’s coming back with another game by game breakdown of Week 13 in the NFL, with a few random thoughts thrown in.

The Thanksgiving Day Specials

Tennessee @ Detroit – If the turkey doesn’t put you to sleep, the second half of this game just might. Prediction: Titans 27, Lions 10.

Seattle @ Dallas – Things you will see on the Dallas sideline: 78 Tony Romo smiles, 29 T.O. smiles, an early 3rd quarter Jerry Jones appearance in which he makes facial expressions that may or may not be a smile, and Wade Phillips drinking gravy out of a Riptide Rush Gatorade bottle. Prediction: Cowboys 47, Seahawks 17.

Arizona @ Philadelphia - I feel like this game will be decided in the first 10 minutes. If the Eagles start slow, McNabb might puke Chunky soup all over the field and get himself pulled. We can always hope. Prediction: Cardinals 34, Eagles 24.

Random Thought #1 – It’s an interesting crop of QBs that will potentially be on the market in the off-season. You could have McNabb, Cassell, and Derek Anderson all looking for jobs with new teams. Potential suitors will probably include the Lions, Vikings, Niners, and Eagles. I could see Matt Cassell in Philly, Derek Anderson in San Fran, and Donovan McNabb reunited with Brad Childress up in Minnesota where they could have fun underachieving together for years to come.

Sunday’s Early Games

Indianapolis @ Cleveland - Once again the Colts win a game in which they were down 7 points. Like the Sports Guy mentioned in this week’s podcast, Indy could be going into Denver or San Diego in the first week of the playoffs as a 3 point favorite or more. And you know what, I’d take the Colts and give the points. Prediction: Colts 30, Browns 14

Baltimore @ Cincinnati – I’ve been high on this Ravens team for a while now. The thing about their defense is they are good for at least 1 defensive TD per game. Look at Ed Reed’s pick-6 in the end zone last week. That’s a 14-point swing in 1 play. This team is buying whatever newbie head coach John Harbaugh’s selling, and so am I. Prediction: Ravens 34, Bengals 13

Miami @ St. Louis – No team has scored fewer points than the Rams this year, and only the Lions have given up more. They’re being outscored by a league-worst 18 ppg, and they’re playing a Miami team desperate for a win to stay in the AFC Playoff picture. Tony Sparano, if your Dolphins can’t take care of business in this one, Principal Parcells is going to give you detention and smack you around with a big tuna. Prediction: Dolphins 28, Rams 17

Carolina @ Green Bay – 30-degrees with a chance of snow showers. 30 total points scored with a chance of Jake Delhomme interception showers. Prediction: Packers 24, Panthers 6.

Random Thought #2 – Crazy to think that of these 4 teams – Colts, Jets, Patriots, and Ravens – only 3 are getting into the playoffs. Who’s the odd man out? Right now I’d say New England, despite their cake schedule the rest of the way. If Cassell can do it against that Steeler D this week, I’ll become a believer. But more on that in a minute…

San Francisco @ Buffalo – 40-degree forecast with a chance of snow showers (though I don’t even know how that’s possible). 40 total points scored with a chance of blood showers from Mike Singletary’s head exploding when his team fails to score a touchdown on all 6 red zone possessions. Prediction: Bills 28, 49ers 12.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay – Never thought I’d see the day where I got excited about every NFC Intra-Division game. Late Drew Brees pick seals this one for my new Super Bowl sleeper. Prediction: Bucs 31, Saints 27.

New York Giants @ Washington – They’ll be honoring Sean Taylor on Sunday, but the Skins will still fall short to the best team in the league. Prediction: Giants 34, Redskins 21.

Denver @ New York Jets – Just remember Jets fans, Favre is always a difference-maker…it’s just that it’s not always in a positive way. I can picture Baltimore going into New York in the first week of the playoffs and picking him off 3 times to stun the J-E-T-S. Not saying it’s going to happen, just throwing it out there. As for this game, Shanny keeps it close, but not close enough. Prediction: Jets 33, Broncos 27.

Sunday’s Late Games

Atlanta @ San Diego – Just when you’re convinced San Diego really does suck, they pull one out in the closing minutes to stun the Falcons. Prediction: Chargers 27, Falcons 24.

Random Thought #3 – If I made a list of jobs I would NOT want to have under any circumstances, “NFL Punt Returner” would easily make the top ten. Every time there’s a punt in the air I’m watching the descent of the ball with one eye, the oncoming defenders with the other eye, and trying to calculate if someone is about to die. Frightening job, I tell you.

Kansas City @ Oakland – Oakland’s just not good enough to win two in a row. It’s that simple. Prediction: Chiefs 30, Raiders 16

Pittsburgh @ New England – Like I said earlier, this is a huge test for Cassel. Flacco had a similar test in week 11 against the Giants Defense and failed. Aaron Rodgers threw for over 300 yards in Week 9 against Tennessee’s Defense, but couldn’t get the win. I see Cassell having similar problems in this one, with Lamar Woodley picking off 2 of the 3 INTs that Cassell throws. Despite Pittsburgh’s O-line issues, I see them holding on in a great game on Sunday in Foxboro. Prediction: Steelers 23, Patriots 20

Sunday Night and Monday Night Games

Chicago @ Minnesota – I say instead of 11 on 11, we just line up Adrian Peterson 2 yards behind the line of scrimmage on one side and line up Brian Urlacher on the other and let them go at it. You’re telling me you wouldn’t stop what you were doing to watch that? Prediction: Bears 31, Vikings 24

Jacksonville @ Houston – Do any of the Texans go to Joel Osteen’s church in Houston? These are the things I wonder about when I am completely bored at the thought of watching one snap of this game. Prediction: Texans 21, Jaguars 17

Random Thought #4 – Is Thanksgiving dinner overrated? Not the holiday, just the dinner itself. I’m not saying it’s not great year after year, it’s just that the hype is so big at this point, maybe it’s not quite as good as we think. Discuss…

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 8-8
Year to Date: 90-87

Here’s my picks for Wk 13:

Enjoy Thanksgiving and Week 13 everyone!

-The Schnoz

The Schnoz Report’s going game by game to take on Week 12 in the NFL. All football this week, folks.

Grab a pen and a post-it note. When you come to a prediction you think is idioticly wrong, write it down. At the end of the post, let me know which pick is the wrongest in the comments. Yeah, wrongest.

The Thursday Night Game

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh – I see the Bengals opening up an early lead, but the Steelers defense taking over the game and helping them to win comfortably. Prediction: Steelers 27, Bengals 10. (For some reason I feel really good about this one)

Bonus Saturday College Picks

Michigan @ Ohio State – I see PFB Reader Buddy Watts dancing with glee around his Dallas, Texas abode when the Buckeyes go up 35-10 on their opening drive of the 3rd quarter. I see Terrelle Pryor earning a few more marijuana leaf stickers for his helmet. I see Rich Rodriguez looking embarassed. Prediction: Buckeyes 42, Wolverines 17.

Texas Tech @ Oklahoma – The Red Raiders haven’t been getting much love from the talking heads this week. Most of the media seems to be on the Sooner bandwagon on this one. Lots of talk about “Mike Leach can’t win the big game” and “Oklahoma’s bad wins look much better than Texas Tech’s bad wins”. As tough as it will be for Texas Tech playing in Norman, I don’t think you can count them out because of the big play potential of their offense. I’d like to pick the Red Raiders here so I could say I told you so, but you have to admit, it is prety tough to win on the road.  Prediction: Sooners 37, Red Raiders 27.

Sunday’s Early Games

Houston @ Cleveland - I like what I’ve seen from the Matt Schaub Texans this year. I have not liked what I’ve seen from the Sage Rosenfels Texans at all. If Schaub and the rest of the team come back healthy next year, I think they’re going to be a playoff team. Slaton and Andre Johnson are huge weapons. And that young defense keeps getting better.  Unfortunately for them, this week is a Sage game. Prediction: Browns 24, Texans 13

Buffalo @ Kansas City – I’m a believer in Tyler Thigpen. Not as the savior of the world, but as the future of the Kansas City QB situation. I used to feel the same about Trent Edwards in Buffalo, but he’s regressing faster than the DOW Jones. Prediction: Chiefs 27, Bills 20.

Philadelphia @ Baltimore – Here’s how this one plays out in my head: The Eagles offense can’t get anything going, the Eagles Defense sacks Flacco 7 times, the Ravens Defense scores 3 touchdowns, and Andy Reid eats Donovan McNabb. Prediction: Ravens 38, Eagles 9.

New England @ Miami – The under/over for amount of times the word “wildcat” is uttered in this game is 19.5 and I’m taking the over. Also, I’d tell you this was an important game in the Bill Belicheck era, and that the Patriots might not make the playoffs if they lose, but have you seen the rest of their schedule? PIT at home, @SEA, @OAK, ARI at home in a game that won’t mean anything to the Cards, and @BUF. They’re almost a lock to get to 10 wins, right? Prediction: Dolphins 31, Patriots 27.

Tampa Bay @ Detroit – Looking for a team to be this year’s Giants? A team that sneaks into the playoffs as a Wild Card and gets hot at the right time? May I submit to you the Tampa Bay Bucs. I had a chance to watch their game against Minnesota on DirecTV Shortcuts this week (every play of the game condensed into 30 minutes…as AMAZING as it sounds) and I was very impressed. Their defense is feisty, and Jeff Garcia is feistier. Just keep an eye on them, that’s all I’m saying. Prediction: Bucs 40, Lions 24.

Chicago @ St. Louis – Wow, this game stinks. Prediction: Bears 16, Rams 3.

San Francisco @ Dallas – I’ll be honest: I’m already tired of Mike Singletary. He came out so strong in the first week of his tenure, that he’s got nowhere to go from here. (can’t remember who said this first, it might have been the Sports Guy on a podcast last month). Now it just feels like he has to be mad and intense all the time or else people are going to asking, “What’s wrong with Singeltary?” or “Is Mike Singletary losing his edge?”. Try being happy buddy, or at least growing a nice Jeff Fisher mustache. Prediction: Cowboys 35, 49ers 11.

Minnesota @ Jacksonville – I’m evoking the “whichever team has more to play for will win” theorem for this game. The Vikings are tied for first in their division. The Jags are done. Adrian Peterson rushes for 200 yards and the Vikings pull off the upset. Prediction: Vikings 30, Jags 17.

NY Jets @ Tennessee – The Game of the Week? I guess it is. I’ve been hearing all week how the Jets match up great with the Titans.  I’ll be honest, I’m starting to believe it. I don’t believe the Titans will go undefeated this year, so maybe, just maybe, they’re looking ahead to playing on National TV on Thanksgiving Day next week against the Lions? Brett Favre is the storyline here, like it or not. More than 1 interception and they lose. 1 or less and I think the Jets shock the world. Prediction: Jets 20, Titans 14.

Sunday’s Late Games

Oakland @ Denver – Am I the only one who really enjoys the “Mike Shanahan detests Al Davis” angle? In a world where sports have become a business more than anything else, and rivalries don’t have the oomph they used to, it’s good to see a coach making it personal. Bravo, Shanny! Let that anger burn as bright as your angry red face! Prediction: Broncos 31, Raiders 13

Carolina @ Atlanta – I realize the Panthers 8-2 record might not be the prettiest 8-2 you’ve ever seen, but I’m having trouble getting past the fact that the Falcons couldn’t take care of the Broncos at home last week. Let’s put the Matt Ryan lovefest on hold for a week and see what he can do with the team’s playoff hopes hanging by a thread. Prediction: Panthers 42, Falcons 28

NY Giants @ Arizona – The Cardinals have a comfortable lead in their division, they’re facing the best pass rush in the game, and their quarterback is older than everyone reading this. If I’m Ken Whisenhunt, I’m throwing Matty Leinart out there and giving Kurt the week off. Prediction: Giants 28. Cardinals 27.

Washington @ Seattle – It’s the return of Zorn to Seattle! And the return of Shaun Alexander to Seattle! And the return of the Seahawks to NFL irrelevance! Can’t wait to watch this one. Prediction: Redskins 24, Seahawks 17.

Sunday Night and Monday Night Games

Indianapolis @ San Diego – It’s remarkable that the Colts are 6-4. Of their 6 wins, the only game they haven’t trailed in was the 31-3 stomping of Baltimore. In their other 5 wins they have trailed by 7 pts, 10 pts, 5 pts, 17 pts, and 15 pts. If they can make the playoffs as a Wild Card and make a run to the Super Bowl, I think it will be Peyton Manning’s finest work yet. Prediction: Colts 34, Chargers 17

Green Bay @ New Orleans – When it’s all said and done, I think the Saints might be the worst team in the NFC South. Who would have predicted that before the season? (Chad Gibbs did! Oh wait, he predicted they would play in the NFC Championship game…nevermind). Prediction: Packers 30, Saints 20

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 5-11(The Schnoz’s first losing Week in 2008! Boo!!!!!!)
Year to Date: 82-79

Here’s my picks for Wk 12 (as you can see, I had the right side in last night’s game):

Enjoy Week 12 everyone!

-The Schnoz

Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else. As always, you know you never read this part anyways so even if I write random things like candy corn soup tastes good in a bread bowl, you won’t even know. So why don’t you go read about the guy who peed on the back of a police officer’s head.

The Schnoz’s NFC Playoff Picture Sure To Change

I’m so done with the Eagles. Donovan McNabb can take his inaccurate arm and awful head coach and go eat some chunky soup. I’m not ready to put the Cowboys back in the playoffs yet, though. Let’s see what they can do this week against the Redskins.

In the meantime, let’s put the Atlanta Falcons in the after-party. They deserve it for the way they’ve played of late. They have a huge stretch coming up after this week’s Denver game (which they should win handily): CAR, @SD, @NO, TB. If they win this week and make it through that stretch at 2-2,  it gives them 9 wins and a great chance at the post-season.

1. NYG, 2. CAR, 3. ARI, 4. MIN, 5. WAS, 6. ATL

and just for fun let’s play it out:

WAS beats MIN, ARI beats ATL, WAS upsets NYG, CAR beats ATL, WAS beats CAR

yeah, right now I’ve got the Redskins in the Super Bowl. Like that will happen.

The Schnoz’s AFC Playoff Picture Sure To Change

We know the Titans are in, but other than that we know nothing.

HUGE test for Flacco and the Ravens against that troublesome Giants defense this week. A bad game shows that his recent hot streak was the benefit of bad defenses he faced (MIA, OAK, CLE, HOU). A solid outing gives Baltimore great hope headed into the last 5 games.

And for now I’m begrudgingly putting the Jets in over the Patriots based on last night’s win. If Watson doesn’t fumble and Cassell doesn’t miss a wide open Moss, I think the Patriots win that game. Not to mention the phantom holding call on Vrabel on 3rd and goal. I’m just going to put this out there: an all New York, Jets/Giants Super Bowl, is not out of the question. In fact, it is very much in the question.

The Wild Card slots are going to be fought for between the Colts, Ravens, and the AFC East. Here’s my guess:

1. TEN, 2. PIT, 3. NYJ, 4. SD, 5. IND, 6.BAL

and just for fun let’s play it out:

NYJ beats BAL, IND beats SD, TEN beats NYJ, PIT beats IND, TEN beats PIT

yeah, still liking what the Titans are doing under the watchful mustache of Coach Fisher.

The Members Sound Off on the Super Bowl

I asked two of our PFB Members who they would pick as the best candidates for the Super Bowl if they couldn’t choose the Giants or the Titans. Here’s what they said:

Steelers vs. Cardinals.

I would love to see the former offensive coordinator of Pittsburgh, now head coach of Arizona, go head to head with Big Ben and the Steelers.

—————

Colts vs. Cardinals.

.

.

—————

Bible Character Who Should Have Been A Football Player

Today’s BCWSHBAFP is Joseph. Joseph endured a traumatic life. He was sold away by his jealous brothers, wrongly accused of raping Potiphar’s wife, and forced to listen to people explain their boring dreams because he had the gift of interpretation. If you remember the story with Potiphar’s wife, she had Joseph cornered and was pleading with him to do something he knew was wrong. Joseph must have been reading Proverbs 5 in his devotional that morning, because he bolted from the harlot like a defensive back running the 40 at the combine. She even got ahold of his shirt and he managed to get away, using a spin technique that would be perfectly suited for a defensive pass rusher in the NFL. If he could avoid the clutches of a horny politician’s wife, he could certainly avoid the clutchy hands of a fat offensive lineman and get to the quarterback.

And while we’re here, with the way she acted once her husband got home, framing Joseph for attempted rape, I’m also going to nominate Potiphar’s Wife as the HBCWSHBABP. That’s Horny Biblical Character Who Should Have Been A Basketball Player. Hey, if Manu Ginobili can make a living in the NBA flopping around and pretending to be fouled, why not Potiphar’s wife?

The Schnoz Checks In on the Pre-Season Predictions

Let’s update our pre-season predictions graphic to see how everyone is doing:

Surprisingly, Andy Osenga’s picks have held up fairly well! His choice of the Lions as the worst team in the league is right on. And as he predicted, the Jaguars probably won’t make the playoffs (although this also would further invalidate his AFC Championship choice, which is already wrong because the Texans know how to lose like it’s their job). As for the NFC, the Cardinals might make the NFC Championship Game…the Bears…highly doubtful. Compared to someone who thinks he knows football, like The Schnoz, he’s not doing too bad.

Our other guest guesser, Mark Batterson, is holding his own. His Titans and Dolphins picks as underperforming teams is way off, but his Championship game choices are still alive. I could have crossed out his choice of LT as an MVP candidate, but there’s still a chance that LT runs for 200 yards a game in the last 7 games of the season, so I’ll hold off on that.

All things considered, Jordan Green is looking the best right now. Though the Pats probably won’t win the Super Bowl and Peyton Manning won’t win the MVP, at least there’s a chance. You can’t really cross out anything on his list just yet.

We’ll keep an eye on this as the season develops.

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 7-7
Year to Date: 77-68

Here’s my picks for Wk 11 (as you can see, I had the wrong side in last night’s game):

If you would like to battle the Schnoz, then come to my house and fight me. I’ve never been in a fistfight before, you could be the first!

Enjoy Week 11 everyone!

-The Schnoz

Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else. As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the dude who tried to pay his bar tab with gum wrappers.

We’re going to mix things up this week on the Schnoz report and rearrange the order of business. Gotta keep things fresh.

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 8-6
Year to Date: 70-61

Last week I picked games against PFB Member #012, Luke Gelinas. Luke put up a valiant effort at 6-8, but it could not stand up to my impressive 8-6 showing. Unfortunately for Luke, he wins nothing. But he does live in Toronto, so at least he has snazzy health care and hockey.

Here’s my picks for Wk 10 (as you can see, I had the right side in last night’s game):

If you’d like to go up against the Schnoz, send an email to prayersforblowouts(at)gmail-com. I’ll pick someone at random every week and shoot you an email back to let you know you’ve been chosen.

Caption of the Week

PFB Reader Luke G. might have lost on the NFL Picks, but he did win the caption contest from last week:

“Yo–Is that a chili cheese dog?”

Upset Specials

Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright. Why? Because America loves an underdog, that’s why.

Last Week’s pick: The Texans to beat Minnesota (FAIL!)
Record for the Year:1-7

While my NFL Picks this year have been fairly good, my Upset Specials have been the definition of FAIL. And yet, like the Detroit Lions, I plow ahead. (although, unlike the Detroit Lions, I will not be hiring Daunte Culpepper to help me out of my rut. Terrible signing by the Lions, if you ask me. Culpepper sucked in MIN after Moss left, and he sucked in Miami.)

This week I’m taking Aaron Rodgers and the Packers to bring some purple destruction to the house of Brad Childress. According to my records, Childress is 0-5 against the Pack as Vikings head coach. Let’s go for the six pack with The Pack.

This has Nothing to Do with Football

Ever wonder how much caffeine is in that Monster Energy drink? How does it compare to the Coke your buddy is drinking? If you like a little (or a lot of) caffeine sprinkled about your day, take a peak at the Huge Caffeine Database. You might be surprised at what you see.

(And by the way, Monster has 10 mg/oz of caffeine and Coke has 2.88 mg/oz.)

Bible Character Who Should Have been a Football Player

This week’s BCWSHBAFP is actually a BCWSHBAFR. The character is Solomon, and he would have made a great referee.

First off, he was the wisest man ever. So 99% of all of his calls are going to be right. Second off, he had 700 wives, so you know he is going to available to do games every weekend. When you’ve got 700 wives at home vying for some attention, things can probably get a bit stressful. Referreeing an NFL game on National TV is like a day at the spa compared to juggling the needs of hundreds women you are betrothed to.

And what about that 1% of the time when he actually blows a call? Well, thanks to his superior wisdom, in most cases he wouldn’t even need to go to a video review system. He would somehow figure out a way to get the call right.

Picture this: Brandon Marshall of the Broncos catches a 30-yard TD pass against the Eagles. But wait, did he have both feet in bounds or not? The ruling on the field was a TD, but Andy Reid has thrown the challenge flag. Ref Solomon has not seen the video yet, but he knows both coaches have. They know if it was a catch or not. He quickly makes an offer to both sidelines: He offers to give the Broncos a first down with the ball on the 10-yard line. The coaches think for a second. Andy Reid says “no way.” Broncos Coach Mike Shanahan thinks it’s a fair offer, and accepts.

But Ref Solomon has tricked them both! Reid’s refusal of the compromise and Shanahan’s willingness to give up the TD must mean the receiver did not have both feet in! Oh Solomon, you did it again!

“After reviewing the play by using my unprecedented wisdom,” Ref Solomon announces, “the call on the field is overturned. The receiver did not have both feet in bounds. Does anyone want a wife?”

First Thing’s Last

the first five thoughts on the league that popped in to my head today:

1. The Cardinals are a LOCK for the playoffs. They’re 5-3 with a 3-game division lead. And the combined record of their remaining opponents is 29-35. Tim Hightower has give their running game a huge spark, and Warner continues to connect with his receivers like he’s living in the past. The question will be, can they stay healthy all season, and can they beat an NFC East team at home in the first round of the playoffs? Warner’s been there before, but will that be enough?

2. If I’m Tennessee, the one team that has me scared more than any other right now is the Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens schedule down the stretch is tough, and there’s no guarantee they’ll even make the post-season. But if they do, they have the defense to keep any game close, and a running game that is starting to figure itself out with the trio of Willis McGahee, Ray Rice, and Le’ron McClain (they’re 4th in the league in rushing yards per game). Joe Flacco has won his last 3 games, including 2 on the road, and has shown great improvement. In his first first 5 games: 1 TD and 7 INTs. In his last 3 games: 4 TDs and 0 INTs. Other than the blowout to Indy, they’ve either won or been close in every game, and should be a team you have your eye on.

3. Pittsburgh’s Defense has been so amazing, I don’t think it matters if the Steelers offense starts Big Ben and Fast Willie, or Leftwich and Mewelde Moore. The PIT D is first in the NFL in Yards per game, 2nd in Points per game, and leads the league in sacks with 32. Their linebackers are equal parts ferocious and smart, wreaking havoc all over the field. All that being said, their Defense has been THE MOST PENALIZED IN THE WHOLE NFL, racking up 535 yards of penalites. Just think of what they can do if they can cut those in half.

4. My NFC Playoff Teams right now: NYG, CAR, ARI, GB, PHI, and WAS. (changed from last week: I’ve got the Eagles in and Cowboys out unless Romo can really right the ship in Big D.)

5. My AFC Playoff Teams right now: TEN, PIT, BUF, SD, BAL, and NE. (changed from last week: I’ve got The Chargers in and the Broncos out based on how bad the Broncos D is and how banged up they are. They should join forces with the Discovery Health Network and create some type of sports/medicine reality show. They could call it “Locker Room Triage”, “Orange Crush”, or “Mike Shanahan’s Face Looks Like It Is Going to Explode Again”.)

Enjoy Week 10 everyone!

-The Schnoz

Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else. As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the tragic story of the cat shot in the head with a crossbow (that actually lived!).

First Thing’s First

The Schnoz’s observations on the league at the halfway point.

+ The AFC West might be the worst defensive division we’ve ever seen in the league. Out of the 32 teams in the league, check out these rankings:

Yards allowed per game: OAK(26th), SD(28th), DEN(30th), and KC(31st)

Points allowed per game: SD(23rd), OAK(24th), KC(28th), and DEN(29th)

+ The NFC West isn’t much better. In fact, 8 of the worst 11 teams in the league in defensive PPG are from the NFC West and AFC West.

+ Only 5 of the 16 NFC Teams are under .500 right now. None in the NFC East or South. We could see a 10-6 team in the NFC miss the playoffs this year. I’m looking at you, Philly Eagles.

+ In the AFC, 9-7 will probably be good enough for a team to make it in this year. Hi, Denver Broncos.

+ In my opinion, the only playoff locks right now are Tennessee in the AFC South and Arizona in the NFC West. TEN because of the lead they’ve built (and they’re amazing defense). And Arizona because of the turdliness of the rest of their division. You can make a case for the Giants, but they’re division is so tough, that they’ve still got to win some tough games. And I’d listen to you on Pittsburgh too, but they need to stay healthy to finish strong.

+ My random stab at the NFC Playoffs: NYG, CAR, ARI, GB, WAS, DAL

+ For the AFC: TEN, PIT, BUF, DEN, BAL, NE

+ Oh and remember, if you hear someone telling you that a Redskins win at home against the Steelers on Monday night ensures a win for the encumbent party, tell them that they’re wrong. While this crazy little predictor actually rang true for the 17 elections leading up to 2004, it was nullified by the Redskins loss to the Packers in 2004 (coupled with John Kerry’s failed bid at the White House).

This has Nothing to Do with Football

Here’s an interesting little political endorsement for you. MMA fighter Matt Hughes is endorsing John McCain. Knowing only a little about Matt, I’m not surprised by this at all. Though I have to say, I’m not sure I’m tracking with him on his reasons. He mentions the “won’t put his hand over his heart during the anthem” thing about Obama more than once. I thought this was sort of debunked at this point. He also claims that McCain has shown more respect to Obama, citing the way they address each other. Funny, because to me Obama has come across as less condescending and more respectful (guess that’s in the eye of the beholder). Hughes also mentions that he’s a born-again Christian and that most of his views line up with the McPalin ticket. And finally, Hughes says he can “look past the fact that McCain was against my sport.”, which is sort of fascinating.

All that being said, Prayers For Blowouts officially endorses no candidate, and hopes you all go out there and vote for the person you want to vote for, not the person you think someone else wants you to vote for. And if you’re a Christian and you’ve put a lot of energy into endorsing one candidate or the other this year, I hope you give half as much time praying for whoever it is that gets into office. I have a feeling those prayers might do more good for the country than any of the rhetoric and arguing we’ve been doing over the past year.

I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the MAAAP

Each week we’ll bring you the best of NFL Maps and Bible Maps. Who doesn’t love maps?

For those without the Sunday Ticket, here’s what games you’ll be getting on Sunday: CBS, FOX -Early, and FOX-Late.

For those of you interested in a map of the Battleground for Armageddon(???),  here you go.

Caption of the Week

Here’s this week’s photo from Mike Singletary’s head coaching debut. As always, best caption provided in the comments will be highlighted next week.

Upset Specials

Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright. Why? Because America loves an underdog, that’s why.

Last Week’s pick: I chickened out and didn’t pick anyone.
Record for the Year:1-6

This week I am back and feeling refreshed. I was tempted to go wildcat and take the Dolphins in Denver this week, but I absolutely love the Texans catching points in Minnesota. This team could easily be 5-2 instead of 3-4 this year. Schaub has been good enough, Slaton has been a nice surprise, Mario Williams has been the beast Charlie Casserly knew he would be, and Andre Johnson is one of the top 3 WRs in football. Look for a high-scoring affair, and look for the Texans to move to 4-4.

Bible Character Who Should Have been a Football Player

This week’s BCWSHBAFP is Noah. Only, instead of casting him as a football player, I think it’s clear that Noah should be given the keys to the front office of an NFL team. Let’s say for the sake of an example, we put him in charge of the Detroit Lions. Here’s 5 reasons why he would have the Lions winning the Super Bowl in 3 years.

1 – There were probably lions on the ark, so he has experience with the king of the jungle. I know this was a terrible point, but it had to be said, so I figured we’d get it out of the way first.

2 – No project is too big for him. You think rebuilding the Lions would be tough? Try building a wooden boat the size of a the L.A. Coliseum without power tools or Home Depot. Noah makes Bob Vila look like Joey Gladstone.

3 – He’s not afraid to let people go. You think he’s going to let dead weight hang around his organization? I doubt it. This guy had to shut up the doors of his ark knowing all his neighbors were going for a fatal swim. Considering that, I have no doubt he’d fire Dan Orlovsky in 10 minutes without blinking an eye.

4 – He’s not Matt Millen.

5 – Clearly, organization was this guy’s gift. He figured out how to build a big boat, not only without Black and Decker, but with his family as his work force. That right there is more than most men can handle. Not only that, but he had the patience to wait for the water to subside before leaving the floating zoo. While he’s got the drive to make the quick changes he would need to make, he would also have the patience to see his plan come to fruition. He’d have Jon Kitna hoisting the Lombardi Trophy before we elect a president in 2012.

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 7-7
Year to Date: 62-55

Every week I pick games against the spread. This year I’m also going head to head against a PFB Reader every week for fame, glory, and expensive prizes.

This week’s hapless contestant is Luke Gelinas. I grew up with Luke in Massachusetts. When we were in grade school we once walked 3 miles in the early morning to an overnight youth group event without telling our parents to see a girl we thought was hot. When we found out the police had been called to look for us, we knew we were in for it.

After a stint at Yale, Luke is now getting his Masters in theology or doctorate in divinity or something like that. He lives in Toronto, so I should be able to beat him with ease.

As always these spreads may differ from yours.

Here’s Luke’s inept picks (in bold) for Week 9:

STL +3.5 ARI
CLE -1.5 BAL
CHI -12.5 DET
TEN -5.5 GB
MIN -4.5 HOU
CIN +7.5 JAX
BUF -5.5 NYJ
KC +8.5 TB
DEN -3.5 MIA
OAK +3.5 ATL
NYG -8.5 DAL
SEA +6.5 PHI
IND -5.5 NE
WAS -2.5 PIT

Here’s my (more accurate) picks:

If you’d like to go up against the Schnoz, send an email to prayersforblowouts(at)gmail-com. I’ll pick someone at random every week and shoot you an email back to let you know you’ve been chosen.

Final Word

Happy to report that Prayers For Blowouts got a mention over at Stuff Christians Like this morning. It was due partly to the Sports Survey that we ran on Jon Acuff and partly due to the Halloween alternative that my old church used to put on called “HATCH Night”. If you’re curious to know what H.A.T.C.H. stands for (the C is for Carnal), you can read more about it here.

Happy Tooth Rot Day, enjoy Week 9!

-The Schnoz

Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else. As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about mice mutilating money.

This week the Schnoz Report is nothing more than a few observations and some picks because I’ve been out of town most of the week.

Random Thoughts on the NFL from the Schnoz

+ Could the Cowboys be the worst team in the NFC East? Yes, I think they could be.

+ The Broncos have given up more points than anyone but the 49ers, and they just lost Boss Bailey and Champ Bailey for the next 4-6 weeks. Not the best of times in Denver, despite the fact that they lead the AFC West.

+ How about this: The 5 top scoring teams in the league (points per game) are all in the NFC. (ARI, NYG, CHI, PHI, and GB). And not only that, but the Giants are also the #1 NFC team defense (yards per game). Tom Coughlin’s got things on track in New York right now.

+ The highest scoring team in the AFC is the 3-4 San Diego Chargers. Philip Rivers was having a quietly good year until last week. Well, I guess he still is having a good year, but his team is 3-4 and last week he threw a terrible interception deep in Buffalo territory that lost them the game.

+ Last week I said, “with a Colts loss to the Packers this weekend and the Titans next weekend, Tennessee would have a 4 game lead on the Colts. The Schnoz would be impressed by this.” Well, the Colts got trounced in Green Bay and the Titans took care of the Chiefs. All that’s left now is for the Titans to beat the Colts and Peyton Manning ain’t looking so hot.

+ Tom Brady’s knee is kinda starting to gross me out a little.

+ Last week’s “prediction sure to fail” was that the Chargers, Niners, and Seahawks would lose. Well, they did lose. And in retrospect, that should have been called “predictions that will absolutely come true and there’s not even a hint of doubt”.

+ I heard Sal Paolantonio talking about his book “How Football Explains America” on the Mad Dog Radio show earlier this week. It might have been the best 45 minutes of radio I’ve heard all year. Sal Pal knows his stuff, and Russo is a pretty good interviewer in my opinion. His book is now on my “Books I Just Might Buy” List.

+ Last week’s underdog pick was the Vikings. They lost and my record in underdog picks went to 1-6. I’m gonna take a week off and regroup on that front.

+ There’s some great matchups this week. The Bucs can go into Dallas and knock them down another notch without Romo at the helm. San Diego, who lost in Buffalo last week, has to travel to New Orleans and face the high-powered Saints offense – Oh wait! This game is in London. How ridiculous, anyway – Phil Rivers and Drew Brees might be the hottest QBs in the game right now. And don’t forget the Giants heading into Pittsburgh for a 4:15 EST start. A Super Bowl preview perhaps? Why not?

+ Last Week the Schnoz went 8-6 to go to 55-48 on the year. I was happy with that until I realized that Chris Hubbs went 10-4 against me heads up. 10-4! Who goes 10-4 picking against the spread? Who is this guy, Matthew McConaughey in Two for the Money? Geesh Chris, thanks alot for the ego boost. You’re the second Cubs fan to beat the Schnoz in NFL picks this year. Not sure what that means.

+ Here’s my picks for this week:ATL (+8.5), ARI (+4.5), MIA (+1.5), NYJ (-12.5), OAK (+7.5), STL (+7.5), NO (+3.5), TB (+3.5), WAS (-7.5), CLE (+7.5), HOU (-9.5), PIT (-2.5), SF (-5.5), IND (+4.5)

+ Guess who’s the last person standing in the NFL Suicide Pool? That’s right. The Schnoz wins again! With the Jets losing in Oakland last weekend, S. Martin was eliminated from competition and I’m the only one of the original 12 folks who is still alive. That and a 25 cents will buy me a newspaper. And on that newspaper the headline will be “The Schnoz Wins”.

Enjoy Week 8!

-The Schnoz

Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else. As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the man who used dog feces for political reasons.

The Schnoz Has No Idea Who The Best Teams are

Forget this power poll stuff. It’s a joke. It’s like trying to make money in the stock market or trying to nail jello to John McCain’s plumber’s work van.

The Schnoz thinks the Titans have the best defense in the league, and that they should easily defeat the Chiefs this weekend. In fact, with a Colts loss to the Packers this weekend and the Titans next weekend, Tennessee would have a 4 game lead on the Colts. The Schnoz would be impressed by this.

The Schnoz thinks the best teams in the NFC are hiding like Waldo in one of his big picture books. Can anyone say with any shred of confidence right now who is going to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl? All we know is that it won’t be Lions, Seahawks, Rams, or 49ers. Honestly, it could be anyone else. Like I mentioned on my blog the other day, I wouldn’t be surprised if it ended up being the Redskins, Cardinals, or Buccaneers. Right now with a gun to my head…I don’t know…I would probably question the gunman as to why he was toying with my life. The Giants? The Eagles? The Cowboys? I don’t know. Neither do you.

Titans vs. Eagles. That’s my Super Bowl Prediction as of this moment. It will change before you’ve finished reading this post.

1 Prediction Sure to Fail

(LAST WEEK’S PREDICTION) All 3 Florida teams will win this week. The Bucs will beat the Panthers at home, the Jags will go to Denver and win, and the Dolphins will go all wildcat on the Texans and win in Houston. – THE SCHNOZ ALMOST NAILED THIS. THE DOLPHINS DID, IN FACT, GO WILDCAT. BUT MATT SCHAUB AND ANDRE JOHNSON SOMEHOW SNUCK OUT A VICTORY.

(THIS WEEK’S PREDICTION) All 3 West Coast Teams playing on the East Coast will lose by double digits. The Chargers will get run over by the Bills, the Niners will get mauled by the Giants, and the Seahawks will be beaten by the Buccaneers within an inch of their lives.

The Schnoz Knows This has Nothing to Do with Football

What’s your favorite salad dressing? Right now I’m a huge Greek fan. I love it. I’d put it on my cereal if I could somehow get it down without vomiting. Just love Greek dressing. You?

The Schnoz Upset Special of the Week

Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright. Why? Because America loves an underdog, that’s why.

Last Week’s pick: Bengals over Jets (FAIL)
Record for the Year: 1-5

This week:I like Adrian Peterson to run all over an over-pursuing Bears defense and secure a huge intra-divisional win for the Vikings.

I also just had a thought. What if NFL Teams were allowed one extra advantage based on their mascot? Like The Vikings players were allowed to wear actual horns on their helmet and the Bears players were allowed to wear sharp claws? That would make things a bit more interesting. It would also make a matchup like the Ravens-Dolphins way more intriguing, though I’m not sure who would win that one. And what, exactly, would the Cleveland Browns extra advantage be? Not sure we want to go there.

Bible Character Who Should Have been a Football Player

This week’s BCWSHBAFP is Samson. The reason is obvious: Samson was a uber-strong dude who had a weakness for the wrong women. I guess that makes him like a lot of NFL players these days. As the story goes, Samson’s strength was in his hair. And when he finally spilled the dirt on his secret, he lost his hair, his power, and eventually his life. Makes you wonder what would have happened had the NFL enacted the “No Hair Covering Your Nameplate” Policy that they considered this past off-season. Would Troy Polamalu still be a defensive meast for the Steelers? Would Marion The Barbarian still be able to bounce off the first 3 would-be tacklers? Would I still laugh every time I saw Domata Peko lining up for the Bengals? I guess we’ll never know.

If Betting were Legal

Last Week: 8-6 (i switched my Cincy-NYJ pick on Saturday)
Year to Date: 47-41

The spreads I use are from the NFL Picks League I am in. Sometimes these are off by a point or two over the official line.

This week I am going head to head with PFB Reader Chris Hubbs. Chris is a Chicago Cubs fan, so be sure to encourage him that next year will be the year. Chris blogs here, you should be subscribed. Perhaps next week he will blog about the whooping he received from the Schnoz with his picks. Let’s hope he is still able to form coherent sentences at that point.

First, here’s Chris’ inept picks:

• CHI
• STL
• PIT
• CAR
• MIA
• TEN
• BUF
• NYG
• DET
• GB
• NYJ
• CLE
• TB
• DEN

Here’s my picks:

If you’d like to go up against the Schnoz, send an email to prayersforblowouts(at)gmail-com. I’ll pick someone at random every week and shoot you an email back to let you know you’ve been chosen.

Final Word

And then there were 2. Boyett and Geisbert got shafted in the Eliminator last week by the Redskins and Broncos, respectively. That leaves 2 people left standing: The Schnoz and S. Martin. To the pain!

Enjoy Week 7!

-The Schnoz