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Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
+ How’s that “parity” thing working out in the NFL this year? Now that all teams have played 9 games, guess how many of the 32 NFL teams have either a 5-4 or a 4-5 record? The answer: 15 of the 32. Parity is alive and well, my friends.
+ Am I the only one getting a little tired of Brett Favre’s “I’m still not sure if we’re a good team” speech that he gives at every press conference following another Packers’ win? Dude, you’re 8-1. In the NFL, where a team is ONLY as good as it’s record, it means you are a good team.
+ Just taking a look at win/loss records and points for and against, the following 3 teams are almost identical in their suckiness: the Chiefs, the Falcons, and the Ravens. All 3 have losing records and all 3 are scoring about 14 points a game and giving up about 21. I suppose you could blame this on the coaches. You could also blame it on the QBs as well. Huard, Harrington, and McNair haven’t exactly been setting the world on fire. Whoever you blame, when these 3 teams miss the playoffs, their fans won’t even know as they’ll be sleeping through another crappy offensive performance.
+ The funny thing about that Indianapolis loss on Sunday night is that if Vinatieri hits that 29-yard field goal, everyone is talking this week about how gritty the Colts are and how Peyton can throw 6 picks and still lead his team to a win (like they did with Romo after that Monday Nighter in Buffalo), and how good teams win even when they don’t play well.
But…Adam V pushes the kick to the right and now people are starting to wonder if Indy will be able to hold on to that #2 spot in the AFC. With official word that Dwight Freeney is out for the year, and with Marvin Harrison’s knee problems not going away, the Colts might lose that #2 seed to Pittsburgh and might have to beat the Browns at home, the Steelers on the road, and the Patriots in New England just to get back to the Super Bowl this year. The chances for a repeat look awfully bleak right now. Not impossible, just bleak. (”bleak” is a fun word, isn’t it?)
+ My buddy Jake wants me to talk about the Broncos, so let’s talk about them. Outside of the 2 touchdowns they scored in 9 seconds on Sunday, they looked rather pedestrian in their 27-11 win against the Chiefs. Behind Jay Cutler, Selvyn Young, and Brandon Marshall, their offense shows flashes at times, but their defense needs to step up if they hope to play in January. (Only the Jets give up more rushing yards per game than the Broncos.) With that said, they find themselves only 1 game out of the craptacular AFC West with a legitimate chance of finishing 9-7, thanks to some weak teams left on their schedule. Will they make the AFC playoffs? I’ll get to that in a minute…
+ People are just now starting to talk about the fact that The Patriots are looking at a Top 5 pick in next year’s draft. Though they’ll lose their own pick because of the video camera nonsense, they have the 49ers 1st pick thanks to a trade last year. If the season ended today, they’d pick no worse than 5th.
Assuming the Niners look as inept for the rest of the season as they did on Monday night, and assuming Oakland and St. Louis end up with a better record than San Fran, the Patriots could be looking at the 2nd or 3rd pick in the draft come April. Remember, this Niners team stole wins in Weeks 1 and 2 and that’s it. They haven’t won since September 16th.
Second Thing’s Second
Here’s the games i like the most this week:
The Giants @ the Lions - It’s a battle of the two teams most likely to win the NFC wild cards at this point. Both are 6-3 and both are coming off tough losses. I’d try to make a case that there’s a lot to gain from finishing 5th in the NFC instead of 6th, but I really don’t think there is. Either way, you’ll be on the road in the Wild Card round facing the Seahawks, Saints, Cardinals, or Bucs. Maybe the Seahawks stand out in that crowd because of their raucous crowd, but they are a very beatable team.
The Chargers @ the Jaguars - This very well could end up being a first round Wild Card matchup in the playoffs (only it will happen in San Diego). Does anyone know what to expect in this game? Both of these teams have looked great and have looked awful this year. If I told you on Monday morning that the final score of this game was 34-10, would you be able to tell me with confidence who won? Probably not. Everyone keeps saying that the Jags desperately need David Garrard back, but Quinn Gray has beaten the Bucs and the Titans in 3 starts. He can’t be that bad can he…hold on while i look up his stats in those 2 wins…yeah he can be that bad. As for the Chargers, if Vinatieri makes that kick on sunday night, we’re talking about another blown lead for them like the one they blew in the playoffs last year. Instead we’re talking about them as the favorites to win the AFC West.
The Patriots @ the Bills - NBC used their flex-scheduling muscles for the first time this year and pulled this game away from CBS and into the prime time slot on Sunday night. I’ve been talking about this Bills team for weeks now. I think they are a very good team that believes in each other and takes the field each week thinking they can win. With that being said, I think they are in for a long night against a Patriots team coming off a bye. Especially considering that Marshawn Lynch will probably not be in uniform. Oh and there’s the also the fresh chip that Don Shula placed on the Patriots’ shoulders last week when he compared SpyGate to Barry Bonds using steroids. How dumb was that? I’m guessing he got calls that night from half of his ‘72 team telling him to shut his mouth.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
5 snacks that I can’t get enough of:
Cheez-Its
Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies
Kettle Corn popcorn
Roasted Garlic Triscuits with Sharp White Cheddar Cheese cuts
Kiwis
Fantasy is the New Reality
I’m in 4 fantasy leagues, but i only paid to join one of them ($20). Of course, that’s the league that i am already out of contention in. I needed the Seahawks defense to pitch a shutout and pick off 3 passes to get me a win and while they did hold the Niners to zilch, they ended up about 3 interceptions short. So much for that league.
In my Yahoo! league I’m in second place, in the Burnside Writers league I’m riding Brett Favre’s old man stubble back up the standings. In my fourth league, I don’t even know what’s going on. Hey Malcolm Gladwell, I think 3 fantasy leagues might be my tipping point.
How about you? Are you in contention? Feeling good about your chances to win it all? Suicidal because you’re in last place? Fill us in in the comments section.
No Ticket, No Problem
If the Sunday Ticket is but a mere dream to you, here’s the maps of what you’ll be watching on Sunday:
We’re retiring the Househole Chore to Ignore segment because we’ve ignored every chore we could think of and we like living under a peaceful roof…instead leat’s look ahead to the playoffs.
NFC playoff outlook
For the third week in a row, my NFC playoff outlook stays the same. I said last week that the Redskins and Panthers would be on the outside looking in, and the fact that both teams lost at home this week made me think I was really smart.
1. Dallas, 2. Green Bay, 3. New Orleans, 4. Seattle, 5. New York, 6. Detroit
AFC playoff outlook
In the AFC, I still think the Cleveland Browns are in the playoff picture, and I’m replacing the Titans with the Jaguars based on their win last week. Am i going to move Pittsburgh into the second spot in the AFC ahead of the Colts? Not yet.
1. New England, 2. Indy, 3. Pittsburgh, 4. San Diego, 5. Jacksonville, 6. Cleveland
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: CIN over BAL (WIN!)
Record for the Year: 6-4
This week I like The Chargers to upset the Jaguars. Not much of a stretch, I know, but Garrard is back for the Jaguars this week, so the Chargers D will have to step it up.
The 2008 Draft
I’m ditching the mascot matchup feature, as i’ve got about as much juice out of that orange as i possibly could.
Here’s what I’m predicting for the first ten picks of the 2008 draft. I’m guessing not only the draft order, but also who the teams are going to pick. The chances of even one of these predictions being right is thinner than that blond chick on Survivor right now that disappears when she turns sideways, but it’s still fun to try.
Miami - Jake Long, OT, Michigan
NY Jets - Glenn Dorsey, DE, LSU
New England (from SF) - Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
Oakland - Chris Long, DE, Virginia
Atlanta - Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville
Chicago - Matt Ryan, QB, B.C.
Minnesota - Andre Woodson, QB, Kentucky
Houston - Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC
Carolina - Sam Baker, OT, USC
Baltimore - Limas Sweed, WR, Texas
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
Has there ever been 1 person who bought a car based on a car commercial?
Let’s be real here. No one pays attention to car commercials. 80% of the population are content with their car situations, and don’t want to be bothered. The other 20% are either out shopping for cars or are too lazy to care.
The problem, of course, is that cars are not an impulse buy. Either you need one, or you dont. And if you need one, chances are you already know which one you want. The whole car shopping thing has almost nothing to do with the commercials.
Here’s the one car commercial that might actually make me think about buying a car: “This is the last Toyota commercial you will ever see. From now on we will be completely eliminating our TV advertising campaign. In doing so, we will be saving roughly $50 million dollars this year. These savings will be passed on to you the consumer as we will be handing out a 50 dollar bill to each car buyer when they get the keys to their new car. So if you like car commercials, go buy a Ford, but if you want 50 bucks and more beer commercials, buy Toyota.”
Now that might actually work. But will it ever happen? Of course not. That’s why it’s a conspiracy.
If Betting were Legal
Last Week: 7-7
Year to Date: 73-71
I went up against my son last week, and he went 8-6 straight up, beating me by one game, that little punk. I’ll bring him back to pick winners at least one more time before the year is done.
First, here’s my picks for Week 11 (your spreads may vary):
With next week’s Thanksgiving games on thursday, an abbreviated version of The Schnoz Report will be coming your way on Wednesday…enjoy the games this weekend.
Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the cow who fell 200-ft onto a moving minivan.
First Thing’s First
What did we learn from Week 9 in the NFL:
+ Things Adrian Peterson could elude and outrun: a cheetah, a jet, a silent but deadly fart, a swarm of africanized killer bees, Dog the Bounty Hunter, his mom when she is really mad at him, a heat-seeking missile, the flu, rain, acid rain, bullets, gravity, clean Shawne Merriman, roidy Shawne Merriman, taxes, wind, and Jacoby Ellsbury.
+ One more Adrian Peterson note. The best thing i read about him all week was by Big Daddy Drew (sports blogger) in a comment on the FreeDarko blog when he said, “The man runs like Super Mario after swallowing a Starman.”
+ Four weeks ago I said the Saints were officially terrible. Now, I’m saying the Saints are officially back. Two reasons: 1-they just beat up on a good Jacksonville defense. 2-the combined record of the remaining opponents on their schedule: 24-42 (.364)
+ The Ravens are in even worse shape than their Monday night shellacking to the Steelers let you in on. In 5 of their 8 remaining games, they play the Browns, Chargers, Patriots, Colts, and Steelers. Not sure I see them winning any of those.
+ My NFC playoff outlook right now is the same as last week. I still see the Redskins, Bucs, and Panthers on the outside looking in: DAL, GB, NO, SEA, NYG, DET
+ In the AFC, I’m moving the Cleveland Browns into the playoff picture (more on them in a minute) and taking out the Jaguars. the current AFC playoff outlook is: NE, IND, PIT, SD, TEN, CLE.
Angle of the Week
Crazy amount of divisional games this week. 10 of the 14 games are intra-division showdowns, with Oakland at Chicago being the only inter-conference match-up on the slate.
There’s a few teams who can make huge statements with wins on Sunday:
If the New York Giants can beat the Cowboys this week, they’ll be tied for first place in the division. It’s a crucial game because they’ve already lost to Dallas once this year, and because they have a slightly tougher schedule than Dallas from here on out.
The Chargers were starting to make us all believe again until that Purple Blur ran through them for a new world record. A win at home on Sunday Night against Indy and they’ve got a legitimate claim to that 3rd spot in the AFC pecking order along with the Steelers. That being said, i think the 3.5 points that the Colts are giving the Chargers this week is way too low. You’ve got a Colts team hungry to bounce back and a Chargers team who is still living off of last year’s reputation a bit. I might have taken the Colts if the spread had been 7.5, nevermind 3.5.
The Steelers welcome in a feisty Cleveland Browns team this week looking to firmly entrench themselves in the AFC playoff picture. Look at the remaining games the Browns have. After division games against the Steelers and Ravens they play Houston, @Arizona, @Jets, Buffalo, @Cincinnati, San Fran. To think they can go 5-3 over their last 8 games in no stretch at all, putting them at 10-6 and in the playoffs. In fact, this game could be a preview of the first weekend of the playoffs.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
Batteries are pretty amazing, aren’t they? I mean, the whole concept of sticking different metals together and harnessing the resultant electron transfer that occurs into energy that can power machines.
It’s just one more invention that I never could have dreamed up in a million years. We have high definition television, wireless internet, robot vacuums, and I am still amazed by things like batteries, toilets, and telephones.
Fantasy is the New Reality
Last week I questioned whether or not the “Draft 2 running backs in the first 2 rounds” philosophy for fantasy football is going to change based on the numbers we’re seeing this year. Brad Evans of Yahoo! Sports addressed that issue this week, and thinks that people should stick to their guns and keep picking running backs.
It should be noted, however, that he also predicted that Adrian Peterson would not have a good week last week (3 TDs, 296 yds), and suggested that he should be benched for other options, so proceed with caution.
It will be very interesting to see what happens with the top pick in fantasy drafts next year now that Peterson has broken out. If he can keep this torrid pace up, he’ll be a lock for #1 next year, but if he slows down and Tomlinson has another great season, it will lead to a fun debate issue come next summer.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife gives you dirty looks whenever you mention the Sunday Ticket, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - CBS has one game this week. It will be shown at 1pm EST unless you’re getting the CIN@BAL game, which is a late start.
FOX - FOX gets the doubleheader this week. Apparently they only have 6 High-Def production trucks because they have seven games on the docket and those of you watching ATL@CAR at 1pm will be doing so in Standard Def. They have 4 games early that are scattered regionally, and 3 games late. Most folks in the U.S. will be watching DAL@NYG during that late game slot.
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage maps with your own face, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
This week let’s talk about that one chair in your living room that gets neglected. Nobody ever sits on it. You kinda feel bad for that chair, don’t you? Did you know that living room furniture has feelings too? It does. So show that chair some love and spend about 10 minutes watching the game from it. You’ll balance out the karma in the room, and then you can go back to your favorite spot, knowing you did something to make things more peaceful on the homefront. And they say you’re not a sensitive guy? Pshaw.
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: JAX over NO (LOSS!)
Record for the Year: 5-4
This week I like the Bengals to beat the Ravens. I know how bad this Bengals team is, but the Ravens…I mean…they are just putrid offensively. The Ravens might have more playmakers on defense, but you gotta figure that Carson Palmer is going to have a huge week again at some point, right? Even though Chad Johnson is a little banged up and questionable for the game, I think the Bengals will eek out a 24-23 win in Baltimore.
Mascot Wars
The best mascot matchup of the week:
Steelers @ Browns -Is rust brown or red? It reminds me of this pair of shoes i had a few years ago that i thought were red. For months i was wearing these things thinking that they were red shoes, and it kinda bothered me. Then one day i referred to them as my “red shoes” and Erica was like, “what are you talking about? Those are brown.” We were both so convinced that the other was crazy, that we started polling friends and family about my shoes. Turns out every other person in the world that we asked, and i mean EVERY ONE, thought that the shoes were brown. I swear to you, to this day, that those shoes were red. I will go to my grave one day believing that. In fact, maybe I’ll even asked to be buried in those red shoes.
But back to the game. Is rust brown or red? Like my shoes, I’m going to say red. If rust was brown, then i would say that the browns would rust up the steelers and win the game. But rust isn’t brown. And the Steelers will win, 31-24.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
If you’ve known me for any length of time, you’ve probably heard me riff on this before, but for those of you who have avoided me to this point, let me clue you in on a huge conspiracy. This little charade is going on at a local pharmacy and grocery store near you every day, and no one is blowing the whistle on it until now.
It’s those freaking greeting cards.
Every time i pull a greeting card and read it, i can never figure out what slot i pulled it from. I mean, i think i know the general area that it came from, but i can never seem to find its siblings to put it back where it came from. This happens to everyone, right?
I honestly believe that if we had slow motion cameras with super-sensitive microphones it would all become clear. While we are reading the cards, one of the greeting cards (presumably the leader) yells out “Shift!” and they all rearrange themselves before we have finished reading. It’s no wonder we can never figure out where the card belongs.
Throw me in a mental institution if you want, but I firmly believe that that is happening, and I can’t be convinced otherwise.
If Betting were Legal
Last Week: 6-8
Year to Date: 66-64
This week I’ll be going head to head against the son of the Schnoz, my son Parker. I’ll be picking against the spread, he’ll be picking games straight up.
First, here’s my picks for Week 10 (your spreads may vary):
And here’s Parker’s picks for Week 10 (he picks all 14 games and his nose in less than 2 minutes):
Final Word
Any man who has already started Christmas shopping, what kind of a man are you?
Thanksgiving is still light years away and you’re already shopping for christmas gifts? Are you that bored that you have nothing better to do in early November than go christmas shopping? If you need something to do, come by my house and do some yard work on saturday. We’ve got a huge butterfly bush that needs to be cut down and some tall grassy shrubs that need to be trimmed.
Lose the credit card or you’re going to lose your man card, that’s all I’m saying.
Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
+ Jon Kitna’s 10-win prediction might not be so looney after all. Don’t get me wrong, they still have some tough opponents left on their schedule, but who would have thought this team would be 5-2 after 8 weeks? Not I.
+ The Eagles, Browns, Bills, and Saints are playing like they think they can make the playoffs, despite all having losing records (except the Browns at 4-3). As of right now, I think the only team of this bunch that will squeak in is the Saints, who are finally showing glimpses of last year.
+ How about that AFC South? Jacksonville and Tennessee both won on sunday to stay 2 games behind the Colts. The Colts, Jaguars, and Titans, rank #2, #4, and #7 in the league in fewest points per game this year. Tough division.
+ Speaking of the AFC, the top 5 defenses in the league in yards per game are all from the AFC: Pittsburgh, Baltimore, New England, Indianapolis, Tennessee.
+ My NFC playoff outlook right now: DAL, GB, NO, SEA, NYG, DET
+ In the AFC, the playoff prediction is: NE, IND, PIT, SD, JAX, TEN
Angle of the Week
You know a game is hitting a 10 out of 10 on the hype machine when the Cowboys are playing the Eagles in prime time on a Sunday night and you don’t hear a peep about it. Last night my father-in-law was telling me that he was going to the Eagles game this Sunday and my response was, “Oh, that’s THIS Sunday?” I couldn’t believe I hadn’t heard a word about it. But that’s how big this Colts-Pats match up is.
Not sure that this game can match the hype. And what hype it is. I’ve heard this game called all but one of the following in the last few days:
The Greatest Regular Season Matchup of the last 20 years.
It’s not very often that the defending Super Bowl champs are 6 point underdogs at home, nevermind the fact that they are 7-0. It just tells you how sold on the Patriots America is. Is it deserved? I guess we’ll find out sunday afternoon.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
Here’s 7 movies I’ve never watched from start to finish that usually make people mad when they hear I haven’t seen them:
Saving Private Ryan
Goodfellas
Fight Club
Memento
American Beauty
300
Batman Begins
Of those seven, are there any on the list that you think i should DEFINITELY watch or my life will be meaningless and devoid of value? Let me know.
Do you have your own list of movies that most people have seen but you haven’t? If so, I’d love to hear what they are.
Fantasy is the New Reality
Looking ahead to next year’s fantasy NFL drafts, what does the top 10 look like? A lot different than this year’s i bet. Here’s a quick mock draft i did in my head (though keep in mind i am awful at Fantasy)
LT
Adrian Peterson
Joe Addai
Tom Brady
Brian Westbrook
Marion Barber
Steven Jackson
Randy Moss
Larry Johnson
Shaun Alexander
Between the increase in passing scores this year and the ‘running back by committee’ approach many coaches are taking, don’t you get the feeling that we might have reached the tipping point with the “ALWAYS TAKE A RUNNING BACK IN THE FIRST ROUND” Rule.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket is the name of a George Strait album, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - CBS has a doubleheader this week, so no HD broadcast for that Cincy@Buffalo tussle that so many of you are dying to see. You can expect about 130 promos for the pats-colts game during the early games, which include CIN@BUF, SD@MIN, JAX@NO, and DEN@DET.
Check out the map for the CBS late game. It’s a sea of red. Gus Johnson and Steve Tasker must be ticked off that they have to pay attention to the Houston/Oakland game.
FOX - The only game FOX is showing in the late time slot this week is SEA@CLE. Everything else they are broadcasting is at 1pm EST. (or is it EDT…or does anyone care?)
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage maps with your own eyes, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
This week let’s talk about organizing that one drawer in your house where everything goes to die. What’s in that drawer anyway? Pens, pencils, markers, dead batteries, live batteries, questionable batteries, screwdrivers, gum, phone adapters, decks of cards, pennies, chap sticks, scotch tape, expired coupons, allen wrenches, a solar calculator, broken watches, spare keys, stamps, and a superball.
Isn’t it about time to go through that thing and organize it?
No, it’s time for kickoff. Get your unorganized carcass back on the couch.
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: BUF over NYJ (WIN!)
Record for the Year: 5-3
This week I like the Jacksonville Jaguars to go into New Orleans and upset the suddenly hot Saints. And while we’re here, can everyone who pronounces Jaguars as “jag-wires” raise their hand? Ok, keep your hands up and go look in the mirror. Now say to yourself “I will never again say ‘jag-wire’ because it sounds dumb. I will say ‘jag-wahr’ because that is the proper pronunciation.” Thanks.
Mascot Wars
The best mascot matchup of the week:
Chargers @ Vikings - According to Norse legend, lightning strikes were the result of the Viking god Thor throwing his hammer (named Mjollnir) at giants. How on God’s green earth are the Vikings going to be able to play football with all those bolts of lightning running around on the field? Answer: they won’t. Chargers 41, Vikings 10.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
This is a picture of me eating guinea pig in Ecuador with Cliff Young of Caedmon’s Call in 2004. It tasted pretty good, as far as i can recall. Like chicken, you ask? Yeah, kinda like chicken.
Why don’t we eat more guinea pig in the United States? I’m not really sure.
Is it because they remind us too much of hamsters? Maybe. Is it because we associate them with pigs? I don’t think so. Because we eat pigs. Lots of pigs. Is it because we think of them as pets? It’s possible I suppose.
My theory? That it’s a conspiracy. I can’t really get into it more than that, I’m sorry.
Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
i was in a geeky numbers mood (it happens often), so i tried to figure out my odds on the future AFC and NFC Champions.
AFC
Patriots - 55%
Colts - 20%
Steelers - 10%
Chargers - 7%
Jaguars - 5%
Titans - 3%
NFC
Cowboys - 24%
Giants - 21%
Packers - 15%
Buccanneers - 10%
Redskins - 10%
Seahawks -10%
Saints, Bears - 3%
Lions, Panthers - 2%
as of right now, all other teams don’t have a chance
Angle(s) of the Week
Angle #1 - By now you’ve probably heard this, but no quarterback has ever beaten 31 different teams. (due mostly to the fact that the league only expanded to 32 teams in 2002). This weekend Peyton Manning and Tom Brady have the chance to do that when they try to beat the Panthers and Redskins, respectively. Manning has lost to the Panthers twice, while Brady has only lost once to the Skins. If something crazy would happen and neither team wins, Brett Favre could be the first QB to accomplish the feat with a win against the Chiefs next week.
Angle #2 - There’s two games happening in Week 8 between teams with identical records.
In Minnesota, the Eagles and Vikings will meet, each with identical 2-4 records. The winner of this game emerges with playoffs hope still alive, the loser emerges with a 2-5 record and an unsexy coach.
In San Fransisco, the 2-4 Saints will take on the 2-4 Niners with both teams going in opposite directions. The 49ers have lost 4 in a row and couldn’t even beat a red light the way they have been playing. The Saints have won 2 in a row after losing their first 4 and suddenly have aspirations of winning their crappy division.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
The dumbest thing about all of the “will the 8-day layoff hurt the Rockies?” hype was that there’s no way of knowing. There never was.
We all knew going in that if the Rockies won Game 1, we’d be saying that the layoff didn’t affect them. And predictably, when they lost Game 1 the analysts said that the layoff did play a role. (personally i think it had more to do with the command of Josh Beckett’s fastball and the inability for the Rockies pitchers to throw strikes.)
Next time a team has a big layoff, let’s lay off the speculation about if it will affect them. There’s no sense in arguing about something we’ll never know the answer to. If the team loses, we’ll say it did affect them. If the team wins, we’ll say it didn’t.
Fantasy is the New Reality
Here’s your fantasy news this week: Steven Jackson is back for the Rams, DeShawn Wynn is the starting RB for the Packers, Travis Henry will be a gametime decision on Monday night for the Broncos, Deshaun Foster said he is healthy enough to play against the Colts this week, and Frank Gore expects to play against the Saints this weekend.
In other news, i left an angry rant on my Burnside Fantasy League Message Board this week after getting beat by Tom Brady’s 6 TDs. I was angry because in this same league i was beaten by Carson Palmer’s 6 TDs in Week 2. Against my better judgement, here was most of the rant (with names blacked out to protect the innocent):
[Owner who beat me], i hate you and your brady gloating. i hate brady and his 6 TDs in Week 7. also, i hate Carson Palmer and his 6 TDs in Week 2 against me. I hate getting sucked out on the river by two QBs who threw up whack numbers against vomit defenses. i hate losing in week 2 by 25 points when Palmer scores 60 by himself. i hate losing in Week 7 by 13 points when Brady and his video camera installed on his helmet scores 58 by himself. i hate fantasy football and the flukiness of it’s asinine tomfoolery malaise whippersnapper pedigree madeupwords … whoever plays against me can expect their quarterback to have a career day. in fact, you might want to get a hold of your quarterback and tell him to bet on himself and play the lottery and ask out a hot chick because it will be his lucky day. he could probably even expect to get a check on that day from microsoft and aol on that day for spam emails that he forwarded as a part of some ridiculous email tracking beta test that doesnt even exist that he got tricked into, but just because he’s playing against my team, bill gates will wake up and say, “why not send a $43,800 check to eli manning today?”… not to mention some grocery store clerk named kevin walter playing WR for the texans scores 16 pts against me. how did he get 16 pts? was it for double bagging groceries the fastest? did he clean up a spilled jar of prego on aisle 6? did he boot someone out of the 10 items or less line because they had 12 items? ridiculous. i think i’m done now.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket was invented by Satan, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - no HD for the 12 of you who were looking forward to watching Cleveland @ St. Louis. CBS is only broadcasting 1 game into your living room this week. If you live near IND@CAR, PIT@CIN, OAK@TEN, or CLE@StL you’ll get it at 1pm EST. The 4pm EST games on CBS are HOU@SD, BUF@NYJ, and JAX@TB.
FOX - FOX is double-dipping this week, with much of the country watching the MIA/NYG live from London at 1pm EST. In the late game slot on 90% of TVs will be WAS@NE.
Remember, no Sunday night game this week because of the World Series. Monday night will feature Brett Favre trying to beat someone his own age when he faces Broncos coach Mike Shanahan. (The San Diego game might also get moved to Monday Night, depending on what the NFL decides.)
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage map with your own baby blues, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
this week let’s think about that room you told your wife you’d paint 2 years ago. Still not painted, is it? You could paint it on sunday, maybe. Of course, then you’d need to go out and buy paint, buy some of that tape to cover stuff up, get some new brushes, and then block off a few hours of your day to get the first coat on. First coat, you ask? Oh yes, there will be at least two coats. Maybe 3 if it doesn’t look just right. There’s no way you’re getting that done all in one day. Perhaps another weekend would work out better? Yes, perhaps. Way to think things through, your wife would be proud!
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: TB over DET (LOSS!)
Record for the Year: 4-3
This week I’m picking the Bills to beat the Jets in a game the Jets are slightly favored in. Both of these teams are really bad, but it seems to me that the Bills are a better team. The crazy thing is, if Elam misses that kick in Week 1 and if the Cowboys don’t turn water into wine to win that Monday night game a few weeks ago, the Bills would be 4-2 right now instead of 2-4.
Mascot Wars
The best mascot matchup of the week:
Redskins @ Patriots - Isn’t this just a repeat of what happened back a few hundred years ago? We all know how that one turned out for the native americans who were already living here on the soil. If a Redskins victory here would somehow make amends for what the new settlers did, i might cheer for Washington, but this is merely a football game and i don’t think there are any native americans playing for the Redskins. I’m petitioning the league to cancel this game and instead host a huge thanksgiving dinner feast at the 50-yard line of Gillette Stadium. Strangely, I haven’t heard back from them yet.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
Unlike most of my consipracy theories, this one is actually pretty legit. I’m pretty sure that the real Al Gore has been locked up in Area 51 since the mid-90s and that the Al Gore we’ve seen on TV since then is just a robot.
Ever since Al Gore invented the internet, people wondered which computer would be the central location, or the heart, of the internet. Sure, most of the internet lives on servers scattered throughout the world, but where is the core of it’s being? The answer: in Al Gore’s head.
He was kidnapped and cloned into a half-robot/half-human replica of himself. While the real Al Gore was cable-tied to a folding chair in Area 51 with fifty ethernet cables plugged into his scalp, the fake Al Gore ran for president. While the real Al Gore hasn’t moved a muscle in over 10 years, the fake Al Gore was programmed to research and create “An Inconvenient Truth”. While the real Al Gore grew a huge, bushy beard. The fake Al Gore grew a smaller, controlled beard.
Don’t feel bad for the real Al Gore, though. While he’ll never enjoy the taste of a filet mignon ever again, he has become the heart of the thing he created. He IS the internet. In fact, every time you send an email, it gives him a warm, fuzzy. So go send out some emails and make him happy. And if you see the fake Al Gore, just wink at him and say “I know who you are” under your breath.
Like I said, this theory isn’t much of a stretch, but it’s worth noting.
I talked to my brother Josh last night before Game 2 of the World Series. He lives in Boston and was lucky enough to go to Game 6 of the ALCS. Apparently a friend called him up yesterday with a ticket for the game last night but Josh was sleeping. By the time he woke up and called him back, he had found someone else to go with. Ouch. Reason #458 why i hate naps: You can miss out on World Series tickets.
Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
As always, if you hate sports, especially football, then reading this post will only make you bitter and angry. Why don’t you go read about the latest disturbing thing to come out of new york city: naked chocolate Jesus.
First Thing’s First
What we learned last week:
1. The Patriots could conceivably clinch the AFC East in 4 weeks on November 18th. If they are still undefeated (which is a big “if” with Indy on the schedule) they will be 10-0 with 6 games left. The Jets or Bills would need to be 4-6 at that point to be mathematically alive for the division crown. The Jets would need to win 3 of their next 4 (@CIN, BUF, WAS, PIT) or the Bills would need to win 3 of their next 5 (BAL, @NYJ, CIN, @MIA, NE). Even if they lose at Indy, the Patriots look like they will clinch the division before December starts. Can they keep the intensity up during the last few games of the year? We shall see.
2. Speaking of the Pats, they were who we thought they were (and so were the Cowboys). Dallas played well, and can take a lot from the fact that they hung with the Patriots for 3 quarters. Not sure if the Patriots will cover the 17 points they are favored by in Miami this week (just because everyone is so sure they will), but they should arrive in Indy on November 4th undefeated if they can beat Buffalo and Washington (more on the Redskins in a second).
3. Tampa Bay continues to play great defense and win games. At 4-2, they are tied with Carolina at the top of the NFC South, and are looking more and more like a playoff team each week. Consider this: Tampa Bay has 5 road games left on their schedule, against opponents who are currently a combined 10-17. At this point it’s hard to see them finishing below 10-6, and in a wide open NFC, Jeff Garcia and their defense could propel them far in the playoffs. Imagine if they had drafted Adrian Peterson with the 4th pick in the last draft? (They’re getting 30:1 odds on winning the super bowl right now in Vegas, in case you were wondering.)
4. I keep waiting for the wheels to come off in Baltimore and it keeps not happening. Their games are maddening to watch, they can’t sustain a drive to save their lives, and yet they find ways to win. With San Diego, Kansas City, and Jacksonville all playing well lately, those two wild cards in the AFC are going to be tough to earn. My Top 5 in the AFC right now: NE, IND, PIT, JAX, SD.
5. Other than Pittsburgh (9.4 ppg) and Jacksonville (11.6 ppg), guess which team is giving up the fewest points per game in the league this year? They lead the NFC in fewest points allowed per game this year and they’ve only given up 2 passing touchdowns all year. Answer: the Washington Redskins, who fumbled away a win and a potential 4-1 record last week in Green Bay. If i had to rank the top 5 NFC Teams right now, it would look like this: DAL, TB, NYG, GB, WAS. (Who gets that playoff spot from the NFC West? Seattle, who can’t even beat the Saints at home? Arizona? San Fran?)
Angle(s) of the Week
In the AFC, the Big 3 all need to try and win on the road.
New England has the easiest test by far, even though they historically struggle in Miami.
Denver has lost 2 in a row at home, and could easily be 0-5 right now. Maybe they’ll make a stand for their season against Pittsburgh at home?
Indianapolis at Jacksonville is the game of the week. A Great D versus Peyton and company. Look for this game to turn on Special Teams. (which is another way of saying i have no idea what will happen.)
This has Nothing to Do with Football
All day on Thursday I told folks that Beckett was going to have to be brilliant if the Red Sox wanted to win. I had no idea that he actually would be. Without him, the Sox would have been trailing 5-2 in the middle innings instead of being up 2-1. His domination kept the Sox in the game until they were finally able to break through and add insurance runs.
With the series relocating to Boston, the Indians still have a great chance to advance. Last night aside, the Indians lineup looks much more daunting top to bottom than the Red Sox right now. The Red Sox are like a bad NL lineup, with Crisp and Lugo sucking the life out of any rally like a pair of black holes. There’s HUGE pressure on Francona to start Ellsbury in CF over Crisp on saturday night, and I think he has to. Crisp’s body language last night when he failed to get a bunt down and then struck out told the story.
Fantasy is the New Reality
My Fantasy teams are so bad right now that they have revoked my license to hand out advice.
Instead, let me give you some thought on naming your fantasy team, which you can use if you’re getting involved in fantasy basketball this month.
(this is from the book I’m working on right now, so it’s my sneaky way of trying to whet your appetite for it. ain’t i clever?)
DO feel free to use alliterations whenever possible. Not only do they look good, but also they make for great nicknames. For example, “The Amish Are Angry” is a great name because it is visually appealing and you have the option of referring to your team as ‘The Triple-A’ if you like. (Plus, major bonus points any time you can incorporate the Amish into your name.)
DON’T use your team name to make derogatory references to your spouse or pastor. “Nagging Wife For Sale” or “Shut Up, Pastor Jim” will only get you into trouble in the long run.
DO use your team name to make childish references to bodily functions and noises. You’ll get your opponents chuckling, which will distract them from the fact that you are about to pummel them. You can’t go wrong with names like “Fart Like You Mean It”, “Will Belch for Touchdowns”, or “The Ferret Broke Wind”.
DON’T use the name of your favorite professional team in your fantasy team’s moniker. Names like “Steelers Power”, “Mets Rule”, and “Giants4Life” make you sound like a 14-yr-old girl fawning over her pimple-faced boyfriend.
DO feel free to incorporate pop culture references whenever you can. Incorporating characters or dialogue from recent television shows or movies is a great way to get a laugh and show you’re still on the ball. Personally, I don’t think you can ever go wrong with a Seinfeld reference. In the past few years I’ve gone that route more than once fielding teams names like “The Marine Biologists”, “I Was in the Pool!”, and “The Pretend Architects”.
DON’T try to convert people to Christianity with your team name. While I’d never say that God is incapable of using a fantasy team name to change someone’s heart, I’m pretty sure that there are better ways God can use you to get a hold of someone’s life. If you’re thinking of naming your team “No Christ, No Heaven” or “Only Goalies and Jesus Save”, please reconsider.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket is what you use to get an ice cream at Friendly’s, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - CBS is only broadcasting 1 game this week. If you live near NE@MIA, TEN@HOU, or BAL@BUF you’ll be seeing it in the early slot. KC@OAK and NYJ@CIN will be shown at 4pm EST.
FOX - FOX has the doubleheader this week. Most folks will get SF@NYG in the early spot and MIN@DAL late. Also of note, as of right now the ATL@NO game will not be in HD.
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage map with your own corneas, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
This week it’s time to think about those things that should be dealt with a few times a year. Should you change the batteries in your smoke detector? Should you clean out the filter on your HVAC unit? Should you flip your mattress over? Should you check the chimney? Should you stock up on ice melt? Should you refill the chip bowl and get back on the couch?
Answers: No, No, No, No, No, and Yes.
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: WAS over GB (LOSS! thanks to a stupid late turnover by washington)
Record for the Year: 4-2
This week I’m picking Tampa Bay to beat the Lions in Detroit. If you’ve read this far you know that i like how their defense is playing, and Jeff Garcia is doing what he knows how to do: win games.
Mascot Wars
The best mascot matchup of the week:
Titans @ Texans - Everything is bigger in Texas huh? Well your biggest warriors are still not as big as titans. According to Wikipedia, Titans are huge beasts of men capable of eating chainsaws and popping beehives in their mouths like mentos. (well, not really, but i could go add that to the Wiki page right now if it made you feel better). If the Titans were driving around Texas, i might not pick them to win. Driving around Texas can get really boring. But since they are playing football, I like the beehive eaters to defeat the texas residents, 21-10.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
I’m sick and tired of bands announcing to the world that “we feel like this is the best record we’ve ever made”.
Just once I want to hear a band come out and say “You know, we’re actually disappointed in how this thing came out. It’s nowhere near our best stuff. We still hope you buy it, but don’t expect it to be better than the last album. That last album was great.”
Every album that every band puts out is apparently their “best record yet”. I realize why this happens, but it’s getting old and tired.
Or maybe I’m just getting old and tired. Let’s move on.
1. If it’s been a while since you’ve changed the batteries in your smoke detector, you should probably get on that.
2. ALCS Prediction - Cleveland beats Boston. I just have a bad feeling about this. I think both of these games could be 7-4, 8-6 type games and i think the Red Sox might end up on the wrong side of the score because of their shaky middle relief. Man, i hope I’m wrong.
3. My hot water heater stopped working on wednesday. We had it fixed wednesday night and it stopped working again last night. Talk about something you take for granted until it’s gone. This morning’s cleaning was painful. May the fix be easy, cheap, and completed by dinner time.
4. Ever since my birthday a few weeks ago, my 4-yr old son Parker is obsessed with my age. It’s pretty cute. Every time he sees a player with the #31 on his back , he reminds me that I’m 31 years old. Yesterday I came home and he handed me a card he made for me (with my wife’s help) that said “I love you Daddy. You used to be 30. Now you’re 31. Love Parker”. I’ll keep that one for a long time.
Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
1. The AFC West might be worse than we thought. Your current division leader? Oakland at 2-2. KC, SD, and Den are all 2-3. At this point, who is the frontrunner to win the division? San Diego based on what they’ve done in the past? Oakland or KC because of their Defenses? Denver by default? If your life was on the line and you had to pick the division winner right now, who would you go with? I think I’d take San Diego, and I’d vomit every time I realized my life was in Norv Turner’s hands.
2. On the Flip Side, the AFC South is beastly. The division’s last place team, the Texans, would be leading the AFC West with their 3-2 record. As hard as it is to happen, it seems like both wild cards could come out of this division this year. Who’s going to have a better record than TEN and JAX for those two spots? Baltimore? Denver? Oakland? I can’t see that happening.
3. The NFC continues to be a sea of mediocrity. Other than Dallas, which teams scare you as an opponent? Answer: none. The teams playing the best right now are probably the Giants, Redskins, and Packers, but these teams all have huge flaws. Even if they lose to New England this weekend, the Cowboys’ path to the Super Bowl looks pretty good right now. Anything less than a trip to the NFC Championship will be a huge disappointment for Wade Phillips.
4. The worst team in the world? a toss-up between Miami, St. Louis, and New Orleans. With all 3 teams on the road this week, the troika could be a collective 0-18 come Monday.
5. The last-second time-out as the field goal is about to be kicked reared its ugly head again on Monday night. Third time that’s happened this year in the NFL. The thing that amazes me, is that in all 3 cases the kicker made his first attempt. That’s why there is so much outrage to change the rule. Imagine if all 3 kickers missed their first attempt, and because of the timeout where given a second chance? We’d all be calling the coaches idiots for doing this and no one would want a rule change. That’s why i think the rule won’t change, because eventually a coach is gonna get burned doing this.
Angle(s) of the Week
It’s all about the Dallas-New England game this week, and rightly so. Funny that the Colts are off this week. I bet they’ll all be glued to their sets to catch this one.
The key to this game is going to be how Romo throws the ball downfield. I don’t think any team can trade punches with the Patriots. They’ll take your shots and hit you back even harder, eventually wearing you down. If the Cowboys can score on big plays that force the Patriot’s defense to respect the home run, then Romo has a chance to use Witten and Barber to move the ball. It’s a huge test for Romo coming off that 5 INT performance.
With much of the attention on T.O. and Moss, I think Dallas will try to hit Crayton and Hurd with downfield bombs when they are in single coverage.
As for New England, I think they’ll score their 28-31 points like they always do. If they can force Romo into 2 or 3 turnovers, and they can keep Dallas from scoring on big plays, they’ll be able to come out on top.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
Not to go all Peter King on you, but I’m in a Panera Bread in Seekonk, Masachusetts and the guy next to me is yelling into his cellphone. yelling.
“TELL MARIO TO GET THAT CONNECTICUT JOB STAHTED BY THURSDAY”
“HEY KEVIN, I GOT CONFIRMATION FROM MARIO. HE’S WORKING WEDNESDAY, SO CALL HIM AFTAH 10:30. HE’S GOT SOME IDEARS ABOUT THAT PAHKING LOT JOB.”
“HEY JIM, DID YOU ORDAH THE RIGHT DOOR FOR THOSE PANELS OR DID YOU MAKE AN ERRAH?”
It’s good to be back home in Massachusetts. I love the accent. But like i tell my son all the time, let’s use our “inside voice” when we are inside. thank you.
Fantasy is the New Reality
I’m happy to report that Nick Folk’s 53-yard field goal as time expired on Monday Night gave me a 1-point victory in Fantasy, my first since Week 1. Still got beat in my other 3 leagues though. I suck.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket has to do with the pastor who gets busted for speeding on his way to the pulpit, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - CBS has the doubleheader this week. There’s 4 early games, with only Miami @ Cleveland happening without HD cameras. I think the coaches for each team requested the standard definition cameras in hopes that people wouldn’t notice how bad they both suck. The late game the entire country will be watching is Dallas and New England. (except for California and half of Nevada, who are stuck watching SD and OAK).
FOX - FOX has 1 game this week. It will be an early game for you unless you get Carolina @ Arizona, which is in the late game slot. But even if you follow those teams, you’ll still probably watch the New England game anyway.
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage map with your own soul windows, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
This week it’s the gutters. There are leaves in them. But the thing is, there will be more leaves in them after this week. Why not just wait for all the leaves to fall?
Personally, I’ve never cleaned a gutter in my life because we have hardly any trees in our development (it’s relatively new). The thought of getting on a ladder to do that makes me tired just thinking about it.
So get out your ladder, take a peek in your gutters, confirm that there are leaves. Then peek at the trees, confirm that there are more leaves to fall, and go sit back down on the couch.
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: CAR over NO (WIN!)
Record for the Year: 4-1
I like Washington to go into Green Bay this week and beat the favored Packers. Brett Favre will set the all time interception record, Green Bay won’t be able to run the ball, and Jason Campbell will continue his rise to being one of the best QBs in the NFC.
Mascot Wars
This week it’s an MLB edition
Rockies & Diamondbacks - It’s the classic battle of nature. Snakes vs. Mountains. Snakes are crafty, mountains don’t move. Snakes can slither, mountains don’t move. Snakes can shed skin and bite people and constrict on people and can rattle, mountains don’t move. But Blues Traveller never sang a song about snakes, did they? In the words of John Popper, “the mountains win again.” Rockies in 5 games.
Red Sox & Indians - If native americans had socks back hundreds of years ago, perhaps they would have done better in the winters and would have had stronger tribes. Then when the English came over to settle the land, the Indians would have destroyed them in their red socks and none of us would be here today. That would suck. I mean, it was awful what we did to the natives, but I like existing. Red Sox in 6 games.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
Some people believe the two pictures to the left are the same person.
These people also believe that aliens are real and that eating snow actually burns calories because of the energy it takes to melt it, so you shouldn’t eat snow if you are stranded and thirsty in alaska.
One more travel note. I hate Connecticut. It is the WORSE state to travel in. ever. I-95, a major interstate that runs from Maine to Florida, goes down to 2 lanes in Connecticut! 2 lanes! what genius came up with that idea? Not to mention that theres thousands of acres of woods surrounding the highway. You could make the road 25 lanes and it wouldn’t even dent the forestry. This is why I won’t vote for Chris Dodd, because i hold him personally responsible for the cumulative hours of traffic i have sat in in his blasted state.
what’s your most hated travel locale? flying out of a certain airport? a certain road near where you live? I’m curious if I’m the only one who despises stretch of road so passionately.
Note: The Schnoz Report is a column i write each week for the Burnside Writers’ Blog. From Week 5 on, I’ll be posting them here as well. Here were the first four editions: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse, but never right) that you won’t get anywhere else.
(-1.) First let me tell you what we didn’t learn last week. The Patriots are way better than your favorite team. But we already knew that, so it doesn’t count.
1. The Tampa Bay Bucs might not be as good as their 3-1 record. But wait, you say, they won AT carolina. Yeah but Carolina stinks (They’ve only beaten the Rams and the Falcons, two of the worst teams in the league). And look who the Bucs have beaten. The Saints, Rams, and Panthers. Hardly quality wins. I cant believe that one of these teams: the Bucs, Saints, Panthers, and Falcons, will be in the playoffs this year. Mediocre is a compliment to any team in the NFC South. That being said, the Bucs have a chance to knock off the banged-up Colts this weekend. The NFL is crazy like that.
2. Speaking of overrated teams, the Chargers are not very good. They’re just not. Coaching matters. And while we’re here, the Saints, Eagles, and Bears, all supposed NFC Contenders this year, might miss the playoffs. Packers and Cowboys in the NFC Championship game this year? Yeah, most likely.
3.In fact, while everyone is buzzing about the Patriots possibly going 16-0, don’t sleep on the cowboys. Next week the Pats and Cowboys play each other, and while the Pats will be favored, the Cowboys should keep it close. If they can somehow beat the Pats (and assuming they beat the Bills this week), look at the 10 games left on their schedule: home for MIN, WAS, NYJ, GB, and PHI … on the road against PHI, NYG, DET, CAR, and WAS. I’m not saying that’s a walk in the park, but in how many of those games will the Cowboys NOT be favored? The cowboys going undefeated? I’m not saying, I’m just saying.
4. There’s only 4 teams this year who have not given up more than 20 points in a game. can you guess 3 of the 4? I’ll tell you the answers in a second.
5. Look out for those Chiefs, they might sneak into the playoffs. They’re 2-2 with 7 home games left at Arrowhead. Their defense is playing well. They have winnable road games on their schedule against Oakland, Detroit, and the Jets. If they win 5 of 7 at home and 2 of those 3 road games, they could sneak into the playoffs, and even contend for their division, at 9-7.
Bonus: The 4 teams who have yet to give up 21 or more points: Tampa Bay, Jacksonville, New England, and Kansas City.
Angle(s) of the Week
There’s a few teams playing for their season on Sunday, even though we’re only in Week 5.
If the Bears lose to Green Bay in Lambeau on Sunday night, they will be 1-4 and 4 games behind the Packers. While the rest of their schedule isn’t very frightening, their QB situation is (not to mention their banged up defense as well).
If the Chargers lose to the Broncos in Denver, they’ll be 1-4 and in a whole heap of trouble. The division is still wide open, so to say they’d be done would be exaggerating things. But 1-4 sucks. Especially when you were 14-2 last year. Mar-ty, Mar-ty, Mar-ty…
A loss to the Panthers will put the Saints at 0-4. Isnt it weird how this season for the Saints is EXACTLY the opposite of last year. Last year we thought they would suck wind, and they were amazing. This year, we thought they would be amazing, and they suck wind. It’s like those warp zones in Super Mario Brothers that took you to level 8 from level 5-2, only completely different.
This has Nothing to Do with Football
An open letter to anyone who uses a public bathroom,
If you find yourself in a stall taking care of business and there’s someone in the adjacent stall also taking care of business, let’s make sure we don’t see each other afterwards. Is that too much to ask?
Once you hear me starting to wrap things up (the whirring of the TP roll, the flush, the zip and buckle) you need to hang out for a minute so that i can go wash my hands and get out of there.
Once I’m all clear, then you can make your exit. I promise if you start the wrap-up first, I’ll do the same for you.
There’s nothing worse than starting to wrap things up and then hearing the guy in the next stall doing the same thing. What is he trying to do, go for a simultaneous exit? Does he want a high-five at the sink? I don’t want to have to make eye contact with the person responsible for the sounds i was just hearing.
In the public bathroom, anonymity is king. So please, let’s take turns making our getaways and avoid all possible interactions.
Thanks,
The Schnoz
Fantasy is the New Reality
Every week I give you 3 fantasy players that I think will outperform their peers (using my ESPN League’s scoring system). This week we’re taking a break from that so that i can make an announcement.
After going 4-0 in my 4 fantasy leagues in Week 1, I have lost every single game. I am 1-3 in each league, for a total record of 4-12. At least I’m consistent.
No Ticket, No Problem
If your wife thinks the Sunday Ticket is something you get at the movies on the weekend, here’s what you’ll be watching on sunday.
CBS - The Big Eye has a doubleheader this week. The early games are scattered all over the country, with only the JAX@KC game being televised without HD. 90% of the country will see SD@DEN in the late game slot.
FOX - Your lone FOX game will probably be an early start. The only folks getting a late game on FOX (TB@IND) are folks in florida, indiana, new england, and new mexico. New Mexico? how do they decide these things?
If you’d like to take a peak at the NFL coverage map with your own soul windows, be my guest.
Household Chore to Ignore
Each week I’ll be helping you find something around the house that you should feel guilty about not doing because you’re watching football.
This weekend my wife is out of town, so I don’t even have to pretend that I’m thinking about doing housework. I’ll be too busy chasing my kids around. If you’re wife isn’t out of town, you’re on your own coming up with a chore to ignore. Feel free to post in the comments if you have any good ones.
Upset Specials
Each week I’ll pick an underdog that i think can win its game outright.
Last Week’s pick: OAK over MIA (WIN!)
Record for the Year: 3-1
This week I’m taking the Panthers to beat the Saints, despite New Orleans being favored by a field goal. Why are the Saints favored in this game? Are they due because they havent won yet? What if they really are that bad?
Pop Quiz hotshot: Who’s the only team in the NFL without a sack this year? Answer: the Saints. Give me David Carr and the Panthers to pull off the upset.
Mascot Wars
Let’s break down some of the great match ups between mascots this week:
Dallas Cowboys @ Buffalo Bills - What exactly is a Bill? is it a buffalo? Why do the Bills have a buffalo on their helmet, is it for the city or for the mascot? Could they call themselves the Buffalo buffaloes? My head is spinning. Oh and wasn’t Buffalo Bill a person too? wasn’t he a cowboy actually? This game will end in a draw, it will be a shootout, and there will be no winners.
Conspiracy Theory of the Week
This week’s conspiracy theory of the week is the “all you can eat”” special.
How foolish is this concept? Pay one price, eat as much as you like.
The very idea itself automatically makes you want to stuff your face. People who opt for the all you can eat special have on thing in mind: getting there money’s worth. After all, the more you eat, the better your value.
So now we have 340-pound teenagers waddling out of Ponderosa saying, “Hey Bill, do you realize I ate so many chicken legs that they only cost me a penny each?” Unfortunately, the next time that guy sees a penny (or a chicken leg) on the ground, he won’t be able to bend over and pick it up.
If I was king of the world I would immediately outlaw the “all you can eat” special. My motto would be “A portion for every meal”. In fact, I would make the phrase “All you can eat” a cuss word. It would be the equivalent of saying “Screw You!” to someone (or it’s R-rated equivalent).
Someone would cut you off in traffic and you’d scream out the window at them, “Hey buddy, All You Can Eat!” He’d yell back “Bottomless Fries, you Jerk!”.
That’s the kind of world I want to live in.
If Betting were Legal
Last Week: 11-3
Year to Date: 32-30
Last week i kicked tuckus and took names. 11-3 against the spread was good enough to win the week in my 35-person picks league that I’m in. Feels good to know that i can still pull crap like that out of thin air when i need to. Two solid weeks in a row? I doubt it. Here’s my picks…
I love the Boston Red Sox. I was born in raised in Massachusetts, and i have lived through some (though not all) of the disappointments of years past. 2004 was an amazing experience. So amazing, in fact, that i am hoping the Phillies, Cubs, or Indians win the World Series if my Sox don’t. Such a great feeling to watch your team win it all.
Do i want to see the Red Sox go through the yankees to get to the world series (assuming we beat the angels)? Not necessarily. I’m ok with going through whoever is in our way. Those yankee games take years off my life.
If I’m a bit distracted over the next week or two, you can blame it on the playoff baseball. I love it like I love italian sausage and birthday presents.
Has there ever been 1 person who bought a car based on a car commercial?
It’s those freaking greeting cards. 
This is a picture of me eating guinea pig in Ecuador with Cliff Young of Caedmon’s Call in 2004. It tasted pretty good, as far as i can recall. Like chicken, you ask? Yeah, kinda like chicken.
Unlike most of my consipracy theories, this one is actually pretty legit. I’m pretty sure that the real Al Gore has been locked up in Area 51 since the mid-90s and that the Al Gore we’ve seen on TV since then is just a robot.
